Today I’m thinking about the humble bell curve, which can apply to most trends and I think applies to Allyship too. As with most things there are the minority at the top already doing the mahi and succeeding, there are those at the bottom not the least bit interested (and in some cases actively working against allies) and then there’s most others who sit somewhere around the middle.
In a bell curve for Men as Allies we’ll often find in the bottom minority the misogynists (potentially lost to the cause and likely to get left behind - I see some of them occasionally trolling my linked in feed!) The top of the curve are the amazing minority at the other end of the scale. They actively speak out and don’t fear the backlash from other men, they are all about staying ahead and comfortable in their own masculinity they don’t see equity as a threat, they see is for what it is – good for the world. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a few of these men. Then there’s the majority in the middle. Good men who want to help but don’t know how or are worried they’ll say the wrong thing or just blissfully unaware that the world is any different to anyone else without their privilege. Changing the majority shifts the curve as we know. Look at the example with Te Reo in the workplace. A decade ago we barely heard it outside of Kaupapa maori organisations and now you’re the odd one out if you can’t do your pepeha to welcome a new staff member.
Those men who are at the top end of this curve are generally high in EQ, they are courageous so don’t fear standing up for those with less privilege than them. They understand that’s what’s required to create a better world and are often more open, collaborative and empathic. They want to use their privilege for good and don’t fear the locker room boys chat or questions from men who get more scared when they stand up for women. Anyone who does this has to be comfortable in their own skin, authentic and brave, they also see kindness as a strength, don’t have a scarcity mindset and know they’ll always get a piece of the pie based on their advantage and there’s enough of said pie to go around. These are the men who’ll change the world. They’re also smart because others not on this journey risk getting left behind. They see the world is changing and they’re ahead of that change and adapting with it. Those getting left behind are generally angry, scared and feeling irrelevant, which is why we see some of the behaviors we do. It comes from a place of insecurity and fear, a scarcity mindset. A feeling that I’m losing out and the world is changing in a way that threatens my privilege.
So how do we bring everyone on this journey and ensure the curve shifts. With more allies the equity journey becomes so much easier and it’s one that everyone is traveling then too.
In my activating allies programme there are 3 steps: Awareness, Understanding and Action
First we need to become aware of our own privilege and aware of the experience of others, how this differs and why allies are so important.
Then to understand what this is about, how I get involved and how to do that in a way that gives me confidence I’m not going to say or do the wrong thing. I also need to understand the why and what’s in it for me so I can buy into the effort this requires on my part too.
I also think there’s an important part of the journey here when men not only understand their role and why this is worth the effort but have the opportunity to share concerns and worries. To unpick the scarcity that can come from giving up space for others that has only been ours for so long. To be heard and not feel canceled. This needs to be done in a mana enhancing way to ensure everyone can move forward together.
Once I understand and believe in the Kaupapa I’m empowered to step up and make small steps to becoming an Ally. I’ve learned what to look out for and what small changes I can make to use my privilege well and support others who don’t have the same privilege.
This increased understanding and ability to make a difference means I’m less fearful of what I might lose and aware of what everyone stands to gain. I’m doing my bit and it feels good.
When this happens others start to follow suit, we see a shift in the curve as we move to the right and progress. I’m reminded of the 90’s when moisturizer became a thing for men, pink shirts and everything else my fathers generation would never been seen dead doing!
In this space the scarcity disappears I feel heard and I’m not canceled. Equity is not an us and them journey but one we’re all in together for the good of our organisations, our families and the world.
The bottom line is the world is changing, we are progressing and those at the bottom end of the bell curve may get left behind but the majority in the middle are an important part of our success and in many cases open and willing to come along on this journey when activated.
Find out more about my activating allies programme here.