The rise of women does not mean the downfall of men. It is not an us and them, we’re all in this together. Equity is for the good of the world and everyone who lives in it regardless of gender (and other intersections). What I’ve seen has led me to conclude that the fear and scarcity around this subject is causing division and it’s delaying progress.
If women gain equity in the leadership space, the pay space and at home does it mean that men lose out? This is the fear. That I might get less if you get more. Equity is not a share of a pie that we’re rationing to go around. There’s enough for everyone and everyone benefits. Add to that of course that minority groups are not asking for more just the same as majorities have always had!
But this is also why people can feel threatened – leading to this fear response, a defensiveness, a scarcity mindset. It’s why allies are so important on this journey.
An ally is comfortable in their own skin, authentic and brave, they also see kindness as a strength, don’t have a scarcity mindset and know they’ll always get a piece of the pie based on their advantage and there’s enough of said pie to go around. These are the men who’ll change the world. They’re also smart because others not on this journey risk getting left behind. They see the world is changing and they’re ahead of that change and adapting with it. Those getting left behind are generally angry, scared and feeling irrelevant, which is why we see some of division and behaviors that go with it. It comes from a place of insecurity and fear, a scarcity mindset. A feeling that I’m losing out and the world is changing in a way that threatens my privilege.
We all have something to offer. Giving a voice to others does not mean mine isn’t heard. The data tells us that if we’re in a majority group we’ll not struggle to get pay increases, leadership roles or any other opportunity available to us.
We’re not wrong for having privilege but we do need to learn how to use it and understand that because of it our experience is vastly different to that of others. Rather than being defensive about this though or feeling guilty if we come from a place of curiosity and learning we can listen to the experience of others, understand how we can support and use our privilege to make the world a better place.
We need to respect everyone’s voice, not cancel out those we think have had the majority of the air time. It needs to be done in a mana enhancing way so that everyone’s heard, everyone’s experience is validated. I think from this comes a willingness to engage, to listen, to understand other view points other than our own and a greater likelihood that we’ll all be part of this journey to embracing equity and making a real difference in the world.
This starts by understanding privilege and unconscious bias. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and being in a vulnerable place of not knowing all the answers or being the only expert in the room. It requires us to listen before we speak and collaborate with curiosity rather than assume my experience is the only one and therefore correct.
For example as a white woman it’s easy to believe all lives matter because mine always has (that’s my experience and privilege). As a woman of colour this experience is vastly different which is why the black lives matter movement is so important. Even as a member of a minority group I don’t except that my experience is the same as others. I can share my views but they’re not the views of all women or all members of the rainbow community. We’re all different which is why it’s so important to listen and seek to understand before we assume our experience is the only one that’s valid.
But it also takes bravery to step into this space. For many men, standing up for women or minority groups or calling out behavior of other men is a risk. When men speak out they also fear what other men think (the locker room chat). Like at school the peer pressure or desire to fit in can play a part here. It’s why helping allies understand what’s in it for me and is it worth the effort is also part of this journey. Men who are comfortable in their own skin, educated, high in EQ and confident in their masculinity don’t have this trouble – these are the ones already speaking out and embracing equity in their homes and workplaces.
If we’re all heard and understood and come from a place of learning to understand then I believe we can all further the progress of equity in our workplaces and the world together. It’ll remove the fear and scarcity, break downs some of the divisions when we realise we’re all in this together – and we’ll make a lot more progress.
“If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far, go together” - African proverb
Find out more about how we can work together to achieve this in your organisation in my new Activating Allies programme.
