Saying no to this means saying yes to everything else

At my recent retreat we were talking about boundaries and how, particularly for women, saying no can be difficult.  We feel guilty or selfish, like we’re letting people down.  In addition we’ve often been brought up to be obliging and put the needs of others before ourselves.  It can lead to us burning out, feeling resentful and being last on our own list.

For those who’ve burned out you know that we’re no good to anyone and can’t give to anybody else if we don’t first look after ourselves.  It’s the concept of putting on your own oxygen mask on first or not trying to pour from an empty cup that we hear so often as analogies in this space.

We get told a lot that we just need to learn to say no and set better boundaries but that doesn’t stop the feeling of guilt or pressure (and expectation) we get externally to break our own boundaries for the sake of others.

For many saying no is easier said than done and only once we’ve made the mindset shift can we say no and set boundaries with ease, without the guilt and with the knowledge that it’s best for everyone.

And it’s this simple question that gets us there.  It’s not what I’m saying no to but what saying no actually means because in reality when we say no to one thing we are saying yes to everything else.

·       Saying no to working late is saying yes to my family.

·       Saying no to other people’s emergencies means I’m saying yes to the important deadlines I have on my own schedule

·       Saying no to an extra project because I’m overloaded means I’m saying yes to my health, energy and the quality of what I’m delivering.

·       Saying no to a party after a full week of work means I’m saying yes to myself and avoiding burnout.

So it’s not what I’m saying no to, it’s what I’m saying yes to by setting boundaries.  When we focus on what we’re saying yes to the boundaries become much easier to put in place.  We’re leading with our priorities and focusing on what’s important.  Reframing the no from a negative into a positive.

It can be quite impactful in terms of giving us permission to say no by focusing on what we’re actually saying yes to.  Remember; when I say no to this I’m saying yes to everything else.