It’s something we’re good at as women, pushing ourselves, operating close to our edge, taking on more, giving to others. As people pleasers we tend to put others before ourselves, we don’t like saying no and hate letting people down. It’s why so many of us run on empty, operate close to exhaustion and often don’t stop until we’re forced to – when we fall over that edge.
It’s something I’ve experienced recently and I should know better! I’ve written books and delivered countless workshops on this topic and have all the tools. Yet I’m also not immune to the people pleasing, achievement drive and the busyness epidemic so many of us experience.
I’ve recently reached my edge and the problem for me was that it was three days out from my wedding. My normal advice would be to stop and rest but I kept pushing. I didn’t want to let people down and of course I wanted to be at my wedding! I continued to entertain family members who arrived the week leading up to the wedding, organise the last minute event details, worry about what might go wrong and squeeze in clients who wanted to see me before I took 10 days off. I rationalised it by saying I could rest on honeymoon so it was ok to keep going despite my body telling me I needed to stop.
I’d also fallen into some bad habits and noticed those early signs of nearing the edge. Reaching for a wine on a Friday night to unwind, losing the motivation to go to the gym, not making time for my usual yoga classes and eating all the wrong things. I know these are my early warning signs but kept pushing regardless, and of course these things as well as being my warning signs also increase the toll I’m placing on myself as I dance around the edge.
It almost cost me my wedding day as I limped across that finish line, medicated by my doctor to get me through the symptoms of sickness I’d been trying to stave off. Fortunately it was a lovely day and one I thoroughly enjoyed but what came after was the crash. A tiredness that you feel deep in the bones, being close to tears, struggling to string words together - even looking for a car park became a task too much. I slept through most of the honeymoon, 12 hours a night and then afternoon naps on top. Thankfully I’m recovering and those few days off in beautiful Queenstown relaxing with my new wife were just what I needed.
I took some additional days off this week to ease back into work and have noticed I’m still not as motivated and energised about my work as I normally am. A lingering cough sticks around reminding me of my edge. I know the signs, I also know the tools but we still have to battle with years of conditioning and societal norms as women to say no, let people down, put us first and take the rest we need. We’ll always have more things to do than time to do it in and if you’re a high achiever you’ll also be driven to do more and over-achieve goals and milestones. Know the signs and reflect on what pushes you to your edge and how to stop yourself from going over it.
On reflection I can see I made some bad calls. I should have protected more of my time, said no, took time off leading up to the wedding – basically the advice I give others, so why didn’t I?
I’m aware that I took on more than I needed to, jobs that could have waited until after the wedding that I pushed ahead with, additional projects I took on that didn’t need to have such early deadlines. I’d misjudged the emotional transition of getting married with the additional emotional toll of my UK based family not making it because of Covid. On reflection I’m guilty of throwing myself into work to avoid feeling difficult emotions despite the intellectual understanding I have of this to know otherwise. As I often say though ‘knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing’. We know a lot of this already but what we end up doing, especially in times of stress, can often be different.
I share this to show we’re all in the same boat and none of us are immune, knowing this and being mindful of where our edge is and how close we are to it is a good reminder for us all to prioritise self-care and keep an eye on this trap to avoid falling into it more often. It’s also a great time to note that we’re not perfect and sometimes we’ll make these errors despite our better judgement but each time we learn a valuable lesson. Know the signs for when you’re nearing your edge and take action before you go over the top. I’m recovering well and happy to be able to put the knowledge I have into practice and use this reminder to ensure my edge becomes something I’m less frequented with!