Have you ever been told you need to speak up more at meetings? Wish you could think on the spot. Feel the pressure to give your best answer now despite needing to consider and reflect?
Not a fan of the open plan office, envy the life and souls of the party. Did you love working from home during the pandemic getting the quiet to focus. Do you find it easier to participate more on chat than in the room?
The world we live in has been made by males and extroverts for men and extroverts. It’s why our systems and society can feel so exhausting. It’s why we’re often told we need to change or fix ourselves in some way.
As a female leader and introvert myself this has been my experience and all too common in the women I coach where they also identify as introverts. It can lead to self doubt, under rating ourselves, comparison to others, trying to make ourselves different and feeling wrong for the very things that in fact make us amazing.
I used to think it was a weakness, I’m too reserved, I need to speak out more, I need to be the life and soul of the party to be liked. I need to be louder at work to be noticed. It was all very exhausting. I see this in others and on reflection I got noticed because of what I brought to the table, including my introvert advantage, so that’s what I enjoy helping others understand.
Living in a world that’s not made for us can lead to us feeling out of place, like we don’t belong or like there’s something wrong with us. However much of what powers us as introverts and as women are the very superpowers we need to navigate this modern world. It’s something Susan Cain explores beautifully in her best seller Quiet. A must read for all introverts.
Let’s clear up a few misconceptions. In a nut shell introversion or extroversion comes down to how a person responds to stimulation, especially in social settings. There’s a myth that we’re quiet or shy but being an introvert actually means we prize deep and meaningful conversation over small talk, we’ll think before we speak, consider and reflect and we’ll recharge in solitude. We can be great at socialising and stimulating conversation, especially if it’s with like minded people who we know – we just might need a nap afterwards!
Introverts are often more self aware, they listen better so have more information to draw on and we consider and reflect on that information before jumping to a conclusion. Often high in emotional intelligence, quite often the introverts I coach also have a high degree of empathy.
I remember observing a team of leaders in a meeting, extroverts talking over each other and saying the same thing but in their own voice or thinking aloud. There was one leader quietly sat at the end of the table and as we got to the end of the meeting they were asked to contribute and said one, small, articulate point that summed up what everyone else had been trying to say the whole hour. This is the power of introverts.
Many of the women I work with are introverts and will ask things like ‘how can I be more extroverted to get ahead in leadership’. My mantra is very much about leveraging the skills we have not trying to be like others or change our unique gifts. But is it true, do extroverts get ahead at work, are they heard more, do people notice them, are they favoured over introverts?
In a world that celebrates ego, noise and attention you’d think so, we’re conditioned to believe that we should be the centre of attention, outgoing is fashionable and attractive and calm and reserved is often considered boring!
Our world is designed for extroverts and we’re all over stimulated. This makes it harder for introverts and more important we understand what we need and what we can bring to the table. But if we’re trying to be more like extroverts or not allowing ourselves what we need we’re missing out on a super power and the world is missing out on our creativity and leadership.
So how can we thrive as introverted female leaders in a world not built for us? Let’s finish with some top tips:
· Know yourself, your brand, leverage your strengths, stand in your power.
· Mentor and learn from others.
· Know that you need time to think and respond and the response will be far superior as a result.
· Don’t apologise for needing time to yourself and create the space to recharge in solitude.
· Find time to focus and work alone if it helps you do deep work
· Stop feeling like you need to change yourself: know how to value what makes you, you.
This of course doesn’t mean introverts are better than extroverts just that we’re often under rated and need to see our skillset for just that, a skillset not a part of us that needs to be fixed or made more extroverted.
“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are – Brene Brown
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