It comes up often in our leadership chats as well as the diversity space. The difference between introverts and extroverts and which is actually better? Well despite what one thinks about the other it’s neither! It’s just different and each has it’s own pros and cons.
I’m an introvert so maybe slightly biased but over the years feeling like I should be more extroverted to be liked or promoted I’ve come to see this as a super power.
I used to think it was a weakness, I’m too reserved, I need to speak out more, I need to be the life and soul of the party to be liked. I need to be louder at work to be noticed. It was all very exhausting. I see this in others and on reflection I got noticed because of what I brought to the table, including my introvert advantage, so that’s what I enjoy helping others understand.
Let’s clear up a few misconceptions. In a nut shell introversion or extroversion comes down to how a person responds to stimulation, especially in social settings. Introverts tend to thrive in quiet situations, while extroverts crave the opposite, tending to thrive in crowds or with large amounts of stimulation.
Introverts aren’t shy and around the right people who they know well, or one on one can be very chatty, particulalrly if the conversation is meaningful. Sit me at a dinner table full of strangers or a networking event and I’ll need a day by myself to get over it! Our introvert nature doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy people or socialising, it just means we need time by ourselves to balance this afterwards.
I love being out connecting with people but I also know I need time to myself to refuel. I know I focus better in the quiet, without distractions and create better when I’m in my own head reflecting and considering. It’s why I never liked open plan offices and love working from home! It’s why many introverts have found they’ve thrived in lockdown.
Extroverts on the other hand get their energy from people, they like to think out loud and bounce ideas around with the group. After work they want a dinner party not the couch and a good book.
Of course all this exists on a sliding scale and some might have stronger tendancies in each direction than others. In reality most of us exist close to the middle of that scale as ambiverts with slight tendancies towards either side. It’s less about how we act because we can all do the things at both ends of this extreme but more about how we fill our cup, where we get our energy and what we need to be at our best.
Many women who come to me for coaching are introverts and will ask things like ‘how can i be more extroverted to get ahead in leadership’. My mantra is very much about leveraging the skills we have not trying to be like others or change our unique gifts. But is it true, do extroverts get ahead at work, are they heard more, do people notice them, are they favoured over introverts?
In a world that celebrates ego, noise and attention you’d think so, we’re conditioned to believe that we should be the centre of attention, outgoing is fashionable and attractive and calm and reserved is often considered boring!
Our world is designed for extroverts and we’re all over stimulated. This makes it harder for introverts and more important we understand what we need and what we can bring to the table. But if we’re trying to be more like extroverts or not allowing ourselves what we need we’re missing out on a super power and the world is missing out on our creativity and leadership.
I know many successful introverts, and i am one so I thought it time to share how this quiet, considered nature can actually be a superpower and therefore how to use it.
I first embraced being an introvert and realised this was a super power when I read Susan Cains amazing book Quiet. “Introverts have nervous systems that react more when there's stuff going on around us,” says Cain. “Could be people, but it could also be bright lights and noise and so on. That means that we're feeling at our most alive and in our sweet spot when things are a little bit quieter and more mellow.”
I’ve sat in many leadership meetings where extroverts have thought aloud, repeated what others have said in their owns words, mansplained (even when they’ve not been men) and shot from the hip and we’ve been no further forward in solving the problem. Until right at the end of the meeting when the introvert in the room who’s sat back listened, reflected and not spoken a word all meeting says one thing which adds more value than the previous hour of korero. Our style may mean we need time to consider and reflect but it also taps into an intellect and articulation that means it should be heard not get lost in the noise.
In her TED talk Cain references studies that suggest introverted leaders often deliver better outcomes than extroverts do.
As introverts we listen better therefore understand more (this might explain the impact we have despite saying much less), we consider and reflect weighing up options, viewing risks and making well thought out choices. Obviously we have a duty to speak up and share our ideas but our organisations also need to make space for this to happen, facilitate the conversations to get the best out of both sets of people who sit around the table and invite space and process that appeals to both natures.
Recently I set up our entire home loan over email with a mortgage advisor I’ve never met or spoken to, it was great and I imagine he is also an introvert. I love retreats but prefer silent ones. Where I can avoid the group dinners and have an excuse to be by myself without feeling rude, guilty or aloof.
I suppose it’s also why I love to write books, although that’s lead to a speaking career I never imagined and actually enjoy! When we get what we need introverts thrive and contribute so much more, make a bigger impact and can ultimately change the world.
Give me notice, time to think and a quiet space and you’ll unleash my super powers!
So if you’re an introvert stop thinking you need to be more outgoing. Understand what you need to be at your best, get that solitude you need to recharge. It’s as important to your energy as a good nights sleep.