Because we’re good at something, we tend to think everyone else must be good at it too – so we don’t value it, we don’t think it’s anything special. It’s why we struggle to answer the question ‘What are your strengths?’.
If it’s effortless and easy (as strengths generally are), we don’t think it’s worthy of a mention. This combined with our concerns about boasting, not being modest or being seen as a tall poppy is a perfect storm for undervaluing our strengths.
We’re very good at focusing on our weaknesses; it’s why our strengths don’t come to mind so easily – we don’t think about them, we’re not aware of them and then we feel guilty/immodest for having them.
We’re also very quick to move on to the next thing in our modern world so don’t spend time reflecting on the positive, what went well, why, what strengths we used. Whether it’s our culture, our imposter syndrome or our negativity bias the result is the same – we don’t know what we’re good at and overlook the very skills that are in fact our super powers.
Culturally we tend to err on the side of modesty to a point of self deprecation and believe that by having strengths we are in some way arrogant or boastful. We blur the lines between quiet confidence and arrogance. Humility and Egotism. Having strengths doesn’t make us conceited, it makes us successful and we can still do this in a modest, unassuming, unpretentiousness manner.
It’s about owning our super powers but first we need to know what they are and feel comfortable having any – this is what my talk is about and follows the research and training developed following the launch of my third book in Wellington, The Superwoman Survival Guide.
Research has proven focusing on our strengths makes us more successful, but first we have to know what they are. Global performance management company Gallup has surveyed more than 17 million people worldwide and has found if we focus on our strengths, we’ll be six times more likely to be engaged at work, 8% more productive and three times more likely to have an excellent quality of life.
Once we know what our strengths are we can train the brain to notice more of our successes, but we have to own it. This can be the toughest part, because we’ve been taught to be modest, to not boast about our achievements or fear being seen as a tall poppy.
Since the launch of my last 2 books I’ve become known as an Imposter Syndrome expert and teach this topic across communities and businesses in NZ. Owning our strengths is something that constantly comes up in offsetting our Imposter Syndrome.
Most of us feel uncomfortable accepting praise, and the negativity bias in our brain means we’re wired not to think of the positives so much – this combined with our modest culture and upbringing of course! We are predisposed to focus on the things we’re not good at rather than the things we are. We also emphasise this by spending a lifetime dwelling on this stuff and searching out evidence to prove ourselves right: we’re not as good as people think, and there are some fatal flaws within us that mean we’re not worthy and probably won’t succeed.
Our brains are predisposed to think more negatively. It’s how we’ve evolved and used to keep us safe. If we’re constantly scanning the horizon for the worst that can happen, we are able to react and prepare for that, which helped us survive back in the days of sabretooth tigers. However, in our modern life, this translates to noticing all the things we don’t like about ourselves, the things we’ve not got yet and what’s not gone well for us at work.
If I ask you to think of one negative thing that’s happened this week, it’ll probably come quite easy. Something that didn’t go well, someone who upset you? You’ll have probably been thinking about it for days since it happened and ruminating on it at night. Now, if I ask you the same question about something positive, it’s harder to recall; even if the positives outweigh the negatives for you this week, it’s the negatives we remember and reflect on.
Life has evolved at an amazing pace, and we’ve not caught up. Dr Barbara Fredrickson did a research study on positivity ratios and found to offset this bias that exists in the brain, we need a ratio of 3:1. That’s three positive thoughts, emotions or experiences to every one negative.
There’s a lot of work to be done in this space, as our negativity bias is like a well-worn walking track; we use it often so it’s smooth and easy to navigate. To even this out, we need to start firing more of the positive neural pathways and breaking down a less-travelled path in the brain, an overgrown track – you know those huts you find up in the mountains that have only been slept in once this year and are covered in moss? It’s like that and the chances are the track is more difficult to navigate, overgrown and steep.
So how can we counter this negativity bias and help train our brains to be a more positive place to be. It takes time, like training a muscle. We don’t go into the gym and pick up the heaviest weight, and this is similar. It’s not an overnight thing; we start small and build up – it takes practice.
The more we fire those positive neural pathways the more we’ll even out the bias and a more even positive distribution of thoughts will become our default state. It’s not that life changes but the lens we view it with does. We start to see the positives as well as the negatives.
It comes up often in my Imposter Syndrome courses. If we’re asking ourselves if we’re as good as people think or course a negative brain will only see evidence of why this is not true – further evidencing these feelings of not being good enough. However if we even out this bias to be a better reflection of reality that next time we ask ourselves that question we’ll see the answers have more evidence stacked in the positive corner to evidence what people are telling us – we are as good as they think!
One of the tools I love using for this (and still use today) is keeping a success diary.
This is my favorite strategy and started because I had a poor memory and wanted to prepare better for my annual performance reviews. By writing down the successes throughout the year, I got a lift each time I reflected on them. It provided evidence to offset my negativity bias and a place I could go to each time I doubted myself. These days, it’s an icon on my desktop because I’ve advanced technologically over the years, but choose what works for you. An inbox folder, a desktop icon and old fashion pen and paper journal or even a corkboard in your office with achievements and feedback from customers/clients attached.
Every time we add to this we’re walking down those overgrown tramping tracks and helping our brain retrain to see more of the positive. The negative will still be there sure but the voice won’t be as loud because we’ve been able to see a more even distribution of reality that includes some positives too.
It was Jackie Clark of family violence charity The Aunties I first heard use this phrase, and it sums it up beautifully: ‘Own your shit, own your shine.’ This is what standing in your power is all about.
Yes, we all make mistakes, have weaknesses and may have done things in our past differently if we got the chance, but rather than beating yourself up about these regrets, own them and know they help shape who you are today.
The next time someone is giving you praise or recognition, know you’ve earned it – we don’t give that stuff out for free. Own it! If all you can say is thank you because anything more feels like boasting, then start there. And know that owning your shine is not being immodest; it’s standing in your power and owning your super powers, and it inspires others. It also makes you more shiny.