It’s been a long time coming but I’m finally in my new home and back with my family. It’s everything we wanted and more, like a dream house. Walking around we have to pinch ourselves and remember that we live here, it’s like being on holiday at a luxury airbnb.
Personally it’s been a tough few weeks, moving out of Wellington the day before we went into lock down, being displaced and locked down with the in laws for 6 weeks whilst we wait to get into Auckland. Which eventually coincides with my long awaited trip to see my UK based family who’ve I’ve been apart from for the longest time ever. To then return to MIQ and a 14 day stint locked up and the feelings of guilt that my wife, who’ve I missed, had to move all by herself. Then the resulting hangover from solitary confinement.
So I’m appreciating this so much and so grateful but I’ve also noticed a funny feeling that comes with dreams and goals – a bit of guilt and a bit of who am I to have all this, is this too many dreams?
Over the last 12 months I’ve secured my dream island move, phenomenal business growth and married my wife. Who am I to have all this? Do you ever get this feeling that someone’s going to come along and take it back, say it was a mistake, you got too many dreams, life shouldn’t be this good?
It's true for many women, who grew up in traditional cultures like the one I did. We’re taught to be humble, not expect too much and not to get above your station. Dreams are not for the likes of us, success should be hard work, don’t be an inconvenience to others and what ever you do stay small, don’t be noticed, and definitely don’t outshine those around you.
You see, we’re conditioned to play safe, stay small and not take risks or get ‘above your station’. “Don’t aim too high you’ll only make a fool of yourself. Who do you think you are?” Sound familiar?
It’s something that’s come up as I’ve written about the pursuit of brilliance in my new book. We often fear becoming too brilliant. Those closest too us may discourage us from aiming too high, often out of love and a sense of protecting us.
It taught us to stay small, not take up space and deflect any praise we ever got. To feel guilty in the face of success and constantly worry we were not good enough or deserving of success – that one day it’ll all come crashing down, or we’ll get found out.
What if I fail or even worse what if I don’t and all of a sudden I’m taking up all this space and outshining those around me? These common feelings and subconscious baggage from our upbringings that can lead to self sabotage and imposter experience.
It’s a whisper in the face of your success that says ‘who are you to be here, this space does not belong to you – stick with the script’. I’d actually say, ignore the voice of the past and rewrite the script. Appreciate every moment and yes it won’t always be easy but enjoy being at the summit of the mountain because new peaks come, so do storms and the chances are it’s been a long sweat to reach the top.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?” Marianne Williamson
