Chasing Rainbows: the power of authenticity

Every time we celebrate pride I’m encouraged to reflect on my own journey and the fortune I have to be around supportive people and in a (generally) tolerant country.  But long after I came out I still felt uncomfortable talking about it publicly or referring to myself as gay and it isn’t always safe.  After seeing so many rainbows around of late I felt proud and inclined to write about my journey to this point.

You see, sometimes it’s hard to be proud of who you are when society has been asking you to be something different all your life.  Even the inadvertent family ads featuring a husband and wife, and the assumptions of ‘he’ when you talk about your partner – it doesn’t have to be explicit to be continuously reinforced.

I’d always wanted to please people, I wanted to make my parents proud and achieve the approval of anyone and everyone; my family, friends, partners, bosses, teachers.  I would change myself and my desires and sometimes even my opinions to fit into whatever mould was required at the time. 

I spent years following the norms, trying to fit in and trying to be who I thought I should, trying to fit the mould.  Dating men and wondering why it didn’t work, settling down with a male partner and wondering why I was unhappy.

Interviewers often ask me “what was it like living a lie when you knew deep down that you were gay?”  It wasn’t that I was consciously living a lie but had something buried so deep within I wasn’t even aware it existed.  It wasn’t a case of choosing not to share it because I didn’t know there was a choice or, for many years, that I had something to share.

For many years it was buried so deep it didn’t even exist, I was so unaware, but I still couldn’t figure out why relationships with men didn’t work.  But even as I started to gain some self-awareness and begin to put the pieces together of who I was and what I wanted feeling this and actually accepting it were two completely different things.

I’m from a small rural, conservative English town.  There weren’t many gays at school and those who were got bullied.  My family are from a traditional Christian background where homosexuality was not acceptable and women were expected to grow up, marry men and have a family.  I was so worried that, not only would my family be disappointed but, they would love me less.  I was worried that my colleagues may treat me differently, my friends would disown me and that those around me would disapprove.  I struggled to come to terms with who I was as it didn’t fit the version I’d been sold of who I should be. 

It was tough, one of the toughest things I’ve done (that’s why it took me 10 years) but in hindsight not a tough as living a lie would have been for another 10 years.  Once I knew of course I had to do something about it, I had to be true to my authenticity now I’d discovered it - but that’s easier said than done!

The ironic thing of course is that no-one did really mind and some weren’t even surprised.  Apparently the only person I’d been keeping it a secret from was myself!  When I look back now and wonder why it took me so long I can see it was fear of judgement, disappointing people, feeling like an outcast.  All these things keep me hanging out in the closest hoping it would go away and I’d be ‘normal’ until it becomes unbearable enough that I had to break out only to find that no-one really minds, in fact they all kind of knew already.  It’s taught me that everyone’s scared of something, we all have to face fears and build our courage what ever it is we’re facing.

I feel comfortable in my own skin, I’m no longer living a lie.  I know who I am and can share this with those I care about at last.  I no longer feel the need to accommodate others and have realised the people who love you will accept you just the way you are.  I love myself and know that people love me, for who I am not who I’m pretending to be.

If we do not live a life true to ourselves and feel as though we have meaning and purpose we’ll never be happy.  In fact the suppression will lead to an unhappiness that can impact on our health.  Stuck between a rock and a hard place, suppression of our true self is damaging but it’s just as hard sometimes to allow it to shine through.  Especially if it’s different to the expectations society has placed on you.

I remember reading Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection before I came out and this excerpt really stood out.  “I think we should be born with a warning label similar to the ones that come on cigarette packages: Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”

These days I’m lucky to have a partner and friends who make me feel like I fit in the world just as everyone else does and that I can be accepted just as I am, but most importantly I feel like i fit in my own skin at last.  I’m also fortunate to live in a place like Wellington where people rarely bat an eyelid when I refer to my partner using the pronoun ‘she’.  This is how it should be yet I’m aware so often isn’t.

I know there are others who have a very different experience of this and still live in places where the acceptance and freedom is a distant dream and the discrimination and sometimes risk of life a daily reality.  I know we’ve not all had smooth journeys towards coming out and that hate and violence still exists in all corners of the world, so I consider myself very lucky and my heart goes out to those who are not as fortunate.

Why is Imposter Syndrome prevalent in women and 5 ways to overcome it

According to the International Journal of Behavioral Science 70% of us think we’re not as good as others believe we are, it’s called Imposter Syndrome. It’s exacerbated by our fear of failure, trying to please everyone around us, striving for perfection but worried we’re falling short all rolled into one! It’s particularly prevalent in women and high achievers and is often the underlying reason we’re driven to over achieve – to ensure we’re not found out and to prove to ourselves we’re capable!

Imposter syndrome is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud.” It’s that voice of self-doubt that, despite our successes, keeps us feeling like we might fail, we might not be good enough, and we might get found out.

Those with imposter syndrome have a tendency to attribute their success to external factors—like luck, or the work of the team. It takes courage to take on challenges and pursue dreams that leave you open to the risk of failure, falling short, losing face, and being “found out.”

Research has found this to be particularly prevalent in minority groups.  For women, especially in business or around leadership tables it makes sense that we may feel like an imposter in an environment for centuries we were told we didn’t belong in.  Our heritage and cultural norms around this evolution of our place in the workforce (particularly in authority) means we’ve have this societal hangover and need to prove our worth, earn our seat and show hundreds of years of gender inequality that we are not indeed frauds and more capable than we’ve been lead to believe.

So yes men do suffer from imposter syndrome but when we look at any minority or under represented group of course we’re going to again be at a disadvantage in this space given we’ve been made to feel like actual imposters in positions of power and have centuries to undo in terms of proving ourselves.

Makes sense right?  But regardless of what contributes to us feeling this way, what do we do about it?

It’s not something that we overcome rather we navigate it as it appears in our life.  It may always be there but have varying degrees of impact on us given how loud we turn the volume up.  It can be different at various times of our life or different areas of our life.  For some it surfaces at work, for others it’s in relationships.  It can be dormant for years and rear its head when we start a new job, get a promotion or return to the workforce after having children.  Check below and see if this sounds familiar?

o   I find it hard to accept praise

o   I tend to focus on the things I’m not good at rather than my strengths

o   I think people over rate me and worry one day they’ll find out I’m not as good as they think I am

o   I often succeed despite being convinced I’ll fail before I begin.

o   I think those around me are better

o   I hate asking for feedback on my performance

Generally the more of those that apply, the more likely Imposter Syndrome is to be at play and therefore impacting you.  It’s not uncommon for people to experience more than one of the above statements during bouts of imposter syndrome.

It can feel like we’re the only ones experiencing this as it’s not much talked about, particularly in the workplace, we therefore assume it’s a character flaw in us and a weakness we must overcome – further evidencing these feelings of Imposterism.

However, we’re not alone, many people experience Imposter syndrome, especially high achievers and even those we look up to and aspire to be. 

It can lead to us playing it safe to avoid failure and having to work twice as hard to prove ourselves wrong and not get ‘found out’.  Perfectionism can often be driven from a place of Imposterism and it can impact our brand and credibility if we’re constantly downplaying our achievements and not owning our successes.

Sadly, it’s not something we can easily overcome—but we can learn to navigate it and succeed anyway. Here’s how:

1. Own your successes.

We tend to be modest when it comes to our achievements, and have been brought up not to boast about our strengths. We feel uncomfortable accepting praise and our negativity bias in our brain means we’re wired not to think of the positives so much.

The most important thing to remember is that if we’re getting praise or positive feedback, it’s because we’ve earned it and deserve it. Own it and let it help counter some of those moments of self-doubt.

2. Give it your all and know it’s enough.

Sometimes our imposter syndrome is due to our fear of failure and our perfectionism manifesting all at once to give us this fear of not being good enough. We fail to meet our own unrealistic ideals of perfection—either in the way we look, our abilities in life, or our achievements at work. Perfectionism so often sets us up to fail and feeds these feelings of self-doubt.

Overcoming imposter syndrome requires self-acceptance: you don’t have to attain perfection to be worthy of the success you’ve achieved. It’s not about lowering the bar, it’s about resetting it to a realistic level. You don’t have to be Einstein to be a valuable asset. Nor do you have to attain perfection to share something with the world.

3. Don’t let your doubt and fear stop you.

We need to continue to take risks and challenges even though we might not think we’re ready. Too often, we stand back and let the opportunities pass us by because we doubt our abilities. The best way to see if you’re ready is to dive in and take on the challenge!

There will always be a feeling of fear and the risk of failure—we grow and develop by facing these fears and getting outside of our comfort zone. Don’t let your worries hold you back.

One of the ways we can navigate these feelings is by proving we’re capable, this capability brings with it confidence and less power in self-doubt, increasing our comfort zone and our confidence by proving we have the competence and capability.

4. Remember: your thoughts are not common knowledge.

I know how it feels to be gripped by imposter syndrome—we spend all our energy trying to prove our worth to everyone else to make it go away. The funny thing is, only we believe that we’re not capable. For example, we wouldn’t have been offered the job if people didn’t think we were capable. Often the only person we need to prove anything to is ourselves.

5. Acknowledge it and know it’s not just you.

We need to be mindful that the voice in our head is often swayed. We are wired to see the glass as half empty, to focus on the negative. This comes from evolutionary times when it was helpful for us to scan the horizon for the worst that could happen in order to survive.

What this can translate to in our modern world is a constant focus on what we’re not good at, things that went wrong, and why we’re not enough—in our jobs, how we look compared to our friends, who we are as a person, or what we’ve achieved in life.

To counter this negativity bias, we need to focus on what we have, not what we haven’t, to direct our energy toward the things we’re good at rather than on what might go wrong and where we might fail.

We are all capable of more than we know, and we can do amazing things if we’re not busy doubting our abilities. Next time that negative voice in your head starts to speak, turn down the volume.

What matters most is not whether we fear failing, looking foolish, or not being enough; it’s whether we give those fears the power to keep us from taking the actions needed to achieve our goals.

Join my live 4 week online course and work with me to overcome your imposter syndrome and learn more practical tools and strategies to build your confidence

Owning your superpowers in a tall poppy culture

Because we’re good at something, we tend to think everyone else must be good at it too – so we don’t value it, we don’t think it’s anything special. It’s why we struggle to answer the question ‘What are your strengths?’.

If it’s effortless and easy (as strengths generally are), we don’t think it’s worthy of a mention. This combined with our concerns about boasting, not being modest or being seen as a tall poppy is a perfect storm for undervaluing our strengths.

We’re very good at focusing on our weaknesses; it’s why our strengths don’t come to mind so easily – we don’t think about them, we’re not aware of them and then we feel guilty/immodest for having them.

We’re also very quick to move on to the next thing in our modern world so don’t spend time reflecting on the positive, what went well, why, what strengths we used. Whether it’s our culture, our imposter syndrome or our negativity bias the result is the same – we don’t know what we’re good at and overlook the very skills that are in fact our super powers.

Culturally we tend to err on the side of modesty to a point of self deprecation and believe that by having strengths we are in some way arrogant or boastful.  We blur the lines between quiet confidence and arrogance.  Humility and Egotism.  Having strengths doesn’t make us conceited, it makes us successful and we can still do this in a modest, unassuming,  unpretentiousness manner.

It’s about owning our super powers but first we need to know what they are and feel comfortable having any – this is what my talk is about and follows the research and training developed following the launch of my third book in Wellington, The Superwoman Survival Guide.

Research has proven focusing on our strengths makes us more successful, but first we have to know what they are. Global performance management company Gallup has surveyed more than 17 million people worldwide and has found if we focus on our strengths, we’ll be six times more likely to be engaged at work, 8% more productive and three times more likely to have an excellent quality of life.

Once we know what our strengths are we can train the brain to notice more of our successes, but we have to own it. This can be the toughest part, because we’ve been taught to be modest, to not boast about our achievements or fear being seen as a tall poppy.

Since the launch of my last 2 books I’ve become known as an Imposter Syndrome expert and teach this topic across communities and businesses in NZ.  Owning our strengths is something that constantly comes up in offsetting our Imposter Syndrome.

Most of us feel uncomfortable accepting praise, and the negativity bias in our brain means we’re wired not to think of the positives so much – this combined with our modest culture and upbringing of course!  We are predisposed to focus on the things we’re not good at rather than the things we are. We also emphasise this by spending a lifetime dwelling on this stuff and searching out evidence to prove ourselves right: we’re not as good as people think, and there are some fatal flaws within us that mean we’re not worthy and probably won’t succeed.

Our brains are predisposed to think more negatively. It’s how we’ve evolved and used to keep us safe. If we’re constantly scanning the horizon for the worst that can happen, we are able to react and prepare for that, which helped us survive back in the days of sabretooth tigers. However, in our modern life, this translates to noticing all the things we don’t like about ourselves, the things we’ve not got yet and what’s not gone well for us at work.

If I ask you to think of one negative thing that’s happened this week, it’ll probably come quite easy. Something that didn’t go well, someone who upset you? You’ll have probably been thinking about it for days since it happened and ruminating on it at night. Now, if I ask you the same question about something positive, it’s harder to recall; even if the positives outweigh the negatives for you this week, it’s the negatives we remember and reflect on.

Life has evolved at an amazing pace, and we’ve not caught up. Dr Barbara Fredrickson did a research study on positivity ratios and found to offset this bias that exists in the brain, we need a ratio of 3:1. That’s three positive thoughts, emotions or experiences to every one negative.

There’s a lot of work to be done in this space, as our negativity bias is like a well-worn walking track; we use it often so it’s smooth and easy to navigate. To even this out, we need to start firing more of the positive neural pathways and breaking down a less-travelled path in the brain, an overgrown track – you know those huts you find up in the mountains that have only been slept in once this year and are covered in moss?  It’s like that and the chances are the track is more difficult to navigate, overgrown and steep.

So how can we counter this negativity bias and help train our brains to be a more positive place to be.  It takes time, like training a muscle. We don’t go into the gym and pick up the heaviest weight, and this is similar. It’s not an overnight thing; we start small and build up – it takes practice.

The more we fire those positive neural pathways the more we’ll even out the bias and a more even positive distribution of thoughts will become our default state.  It’s not that life changes but the lens we view it with does.  We start to see the positives as well as the negatives.

It comes up often in my Imposter Syndrome courses.  If we’re asking ourselves if we’re as good as people think or course a negative brain will only see evidence of why this is not true – further evidencing these feelings of not being good enough.  However if we even out this bias to be a better reflection of reality that next time we ask ourselves that question we’ll see the answers have more evidence stacked in the positive corner to evidence what people are telling us – we are as good as they think!

One of the tools I love using for this (and still use today) is keeping a success diary.

This is my favorite strategy and started because I had a poor memory and wanted to prepare better for my annual performance reviews. By writing down the successes throughout the year, I got a lift each time I reflected on them. It provided evidence to offset my negativity bias and a place I could go to each time I doubted myself. These days, it’s an icon on my desktop because I’ve advanced technologically over the years, but choose what works for you.  An inbox folder, a desktop icon and old fashion pen and paper journal or even a corkboard in your office with achievements and feedback from customers/clients attached.

Every time we add to this we’re walking down those overgrown tramping tracks and helping our brain retrain to see more of the positive.  The negative will still be there sure but the voice won’t be as loud because we’ve been able to see a more even distribution of reality that includes some positives too.

It was Jackie Clark of family violence charity The Aunties I first heard use this phrase, and it sums it up beautifully: ‘Own your shit, own your shine.’ This is what standing in your power is all about.

Yes, we all make mistakes, have weaknesses and may have done things in our past differently if we got the chance, but rather than beating yourself up about these regrets, own them and know they help shape who you are today.

The next time someone is giving you praise or recognition, know you’ve earned it – we don’t give that stuff out for free. Own it! If all you can say is thank you because anything more feels like boasting, then start there. And know that owning your shine is not being immodest; it’s standing in your power and owning your super powers, and it inspires others. It also makes you more shiny.

What lens are you looking through?

I recently had a day where everything felt wrong and everyone felt annoying.  It was a day before my period so hardly surprising.  I’ve suffered from PMS since I was a teenager and I’m aware these moods are a lens I look through at this time of the month rather than reality.  These people are not as irritating any other time of the month.  In fact just 2 weeks prior my wife told me she was finding me irritating (a day before her period).  I realised it was probably not the right time to point out that I might not be anymore irritating today as any other day it was just the lens she was viewing me through!  It’s the same reason we talk about optimists looking through rose tinted glasses or why skinny people see an overweight person in the mirror when they’re looking through the lens of an eating disorder.  What we see of reality will be skewed by the lens we look through and what it’s clouded by.

When I talk about our brains negativity bias and Imposter Syndrome it’s a similar principle.  Our feelings of not being good enough are simply the lens we look through.  The reality is that we’re performing well and we’re the only ones worried about getting ‘found out’.  If we clear this lens that’s clouded with a negative bias we see this reality rather than what our Imposter glaze on that lens will have us fear.

Our negativity bias means we’re wired to see the worst in ourselves and when we look through this lens of course what follows is self-doubt, lack of confidence, fear of being found out and a comparison to others that leaves us falling short.  Sound familiar?

What would it be like to clear this lens, to lift the cloud of our inner critic from our vision and see the reality of who we really are?  That’s exactly what we do in my Imposter Syndrome work and coaching programmes.  With strategies and practical exercises to help you lift this lens and clear your inner critic out of the way of reality to allow you to realise your potential.

It’s a stressful place to be otherwise as it leads to stress, eroding confidence, not feeling enough and always trying to prove ourselves.  It doesn’t have to be this way though.

Get your place on this years 4 week course and see how we can clear the lens we look through an alter our mindset.

How Jacinda Ardern overcame her imposter syndrome

I really enjoyed watching Jacinda Arderns chat about self-care with Sir John Kirwan especially given that at 4 minutes they touch on Imposter Syndrome.  I love it when celebrities talk openly about this kind of vulnerability because it normalises it for everyone else.  We know Imposter Syndrome is the domain of high achievers but those who experience it still see it as some fatal character flaw and a weakness.  When people as successful as this admit to it, we all get some hope and optimism!

John Kirwan talks about his try in the world cup and thinking when he came off that it was just luck and he was on the verge of being dropped.  Jacinda Ardern has long talked openly about her Imposter Syndrome and in this interview admits to not feeling it as much these days.

Imposter Syndrome is something I’ve spent the last few years writing about, delivering coaching and workshops on and seeing the potential people reach when they learn to overcome it not to mention the reduction in stress when they’re no longer overworking to try and prove themselves.  In fact it’s a workshop I presented to the Office of the Prime Minister a couple of years ago to staff (unfortunately the PM was out of the country).

I take people through strategies to offset Imposter Syndrome but I can also tell you why Jacinda Ardern refers in this clip to ‘it not being as pronounced for me this last year’

It’s something I refer to as the competence confidence loop.  When we try something new for the first time and get out of our comfort zone, like a new job or challenge it’s where we can feel Imposter Syndrome the most.  But as time goes on and we learn and grow in the role and overcome the challenge the feeling lessens.  It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when we get out of our comfort zone, to worry about failing or not being as good as people think.  But when we try and succeed we collect evidence of our competence and this in turn boosts our confidence.  Now in the last year Jacinda Ardern has been re-elected as PM (a great vote of confidence I’d say) and being internationally acclaimed the world over appearing in Vogue, Time magazine and more.  That’s pretty solid evidence of your competence and an evidence portfolio any Imposter would struggle to argue against.  No wonder it’s not as pronounced for her this year!

Now we’re not all going to have Time and Vogue cover stories to boost our confidence, nor are we going to have the success of navigating a global pandemic to point to but the principles are the same.  When we prove ourselves competent we grow in confidence but this only happens by facing the fear in the first place and getting uncomfortable.

When we get out of our comfort zone one of two things will happen.  Either we’ll succeed (and enter that competence confidence loop) or we’ll fail – and learn something that helps us succeed next time around (with the same impact on our competence confidence loop).  Too often we think that failure is a negative, that it’s proof our imposter syndrome is right but it’s often part of the competence confidence loop, the longer way around to the same destination.  A harder path to travel but one that also helps us offset our Imposter Syndrome.  Our PM also talks about mistakes she’s made and lessons she’s learned and it’s often this stuff that allows us to be as successful as we are thus completing the competence confidence loop as well as turning down the volume on our Imposter Syndrome.

I remember feeling like an Imposter, ironically when I was being called the Imposter Syndrome expert in the media. I’d written about it in my book but I’d not delivered too many workshops by then and was still researching more of the data and content so feeling like anything but an expert. I’d worry that interviewers were going to ask me questions I didn’t know the answer to or that I’d get ‘found out’. A year on and a few more workshops, conferences and interviews under my belt and I feel the benefit of the competence, confidence loop and the feeling of being ‘found out’ is replaced by one of confidence.

Find out more on my website and download your free guide to overcoming imposter syndrome.

Life lessons from my time with Buddhists

It’s just over a year since the passing of my teacher, friend and Buddhist nun Kelsang Gen Demo.  For a decade she not only taught me how to meditate but many more valuable life lessons.  This was further cemented in my mind whilst spending time in France at Thích Nhất Hạnhs Plum Village, visiting Bhutan, the kingdom famous for gross national happiness in place of GDP and teaching English to Buddhist monks in northern Thailand. 

I’ve never been religious but I am a life long learner and believe we can learn so much from others.  I’m curious and open and I remember Demo telling me on one of my first classes.  Take what works for you and the bits that don’t resonate just leave them to one side.

There’s so much we can learn from ancient traditions that translates into our modern lives and these lessons have been the cornerstone of me living a healthy, happy life so I thought this was a perfect time to share a few.

Equanimity – A calm mind. One of my biggest aha moments came when I learned how important our minds are and how we can train them.  I’d spent many years on diets, gym classes and pursuing physical health goals but I’d never considered to do the same for my mind.  Yet it’s so important.  Everything starts in the mind.  What we think becomes how we feel and that becomes how we act.  If we have an unpeaceful mind we will have an unpeaceful life it’s that simple.  You know when you get out of bed on the wrong side and everything and everyone irritates you – that’s the mind doing that!  If our minds are busy, stressed and tired of course life is going to be harder.  Stilling the mind has been without doubt the biggest change in my life. 

In a world when I was encouraged to multitask, the busier I was the more successful I’d become and sleep was for the weak this is a full 360 in terms of my beliefs!  I used to think that down time was a waste of time and pressed myself to be doing something ’productive’ with every second of the day.  I now know that being productive also means resting, stilling the mind and taking a break.  Pressing pause in our busy days is as important as anything else on our to do list because it makes us more effective, it’s critical in helping us to everything else that’s on that to do list.

So check in on your mind?  How busy is it, are the thoughts positive or negative?  What impact is it having on your life.  A great analogy Demo taught me was imagine a megaphone above your head playing your thoughts out loud as you went about your day – you probably wouldn’t have a job by the end of it, fewer friends and maybe a strained marriage!  Given we know the impact of our thoughts on our mental health we should be more mindful of what thoughts we’re allowing to occupy space in our brain.

Sitting still for 10 minutes a day focusing on my breathing is my number one wellness tool.  It calms my mind, helps me think more clearly, makes me more productive and creative and I’ve become so much more self-aware.  It helps open up space between my thoughts, feelings and reactions.  Do I still have a busy brain, god yes.  Do I still have negative thoughts – of course I’m human.  The difference is that now I notice them and have small pauses to chose to respond rather than react.  My meditation practice helps me calm these thoughts and allow them to pass through rather than becoming attached or carried away by them.

Being able to focus on the breath and watch the mind also helps us be more present and that leads to our next lesson.  Happiness is now!  So often we’re worrying about the past or planning for the future that we are not in the present.  We miss life because our minds are always somewhere else.  The happiest people are those that are present and when we focus on the now it stops us worrying about the future or regretting the past – a source of our anxiety and overwhelm so often.  Happiness is not in some far off place we dream off – when the kids have left home, when I retire or when I win lotto.  It’s now, we just have to learn to be with it.  We wait all week for the weekend, all year for summer and all life for happiness if we’re not careful.

This training of my mind has also allowed me to gain so much Perspective – I’ve learned that its not what happens to us but how we react to it and that we have a choice.  This has been instrumental in changing the way I react to challenges.  So much of what happens we can’t control and this can leave us feeling helpless like victims.  When we focus on what we can control we become empowered and this is where we get to chose.  The analogy Demo used I refer to now as the second arrow.  If you get shot in the arm by an arrow it hurts, you’ve got a problem and it probably wasn’t your fault.  Your reaction though is often like being shot in the arm by a second arrow in the same place, now you’ve got two problems, double the pain.  The difference is you shot that second arrow yourself.  You’ve got in the car to go to work, you’re running late and it won’t start (that’s your first arrow, it’s a problem that’s causing you to suffer).  You can chose to get angry, kick the tyres and complain about being late.  Or you can ring the road side assist and postpone your first meeting or check when the next bus leaves (this is your second arrow and this is where the choice comes in).

Of course sometimes the first arrow is so big and the pain so great there’s not much we can do about it and this is when we come to our next lesson Acceptance. 

As humans we spend so much time trying to avoid suffering and chase after the good feelings.  We want life to be good all the time and are uncomfortable sitting with sadness and suffering.  It’s why addiction is so prevalent, we attempt to numb the suffering and replace it with a ‘high’ whether that’s from food, drugs, alcohol, shopping or something else. 

We chase after the highs in our life (the perfect job, house, partner) and then when we get it we cling on to it and hope it never leaves.  Likewise when we feel sad we desperately want it to pass and to feel happy again.  Whoever we are there will be a mixture of good and bad in our life.  We all have challenges, the good news is they don’t last.  These feelings we want to avoid don’t last – but nor do the good ones.  Everything comes and goes, this is the nature of life.

“if we have a problem there’s always two options either 1) there’s a solution in which case great, there’s no need to worry about it.  Or 2) there’s not a solution, in which case there’s no point worrying about it.”

This valuable lesson taught me that suffering is inevitable, misery is not.  If we can accept the things we can’t change it allows us to make peace and move on.  Good and bad will always come and go, sit with what is and accept what we can’t change.

This segways nicely to another important lesson Impermanence.  Everything will come and go whether we like it or not.  None of us will live forever, everything we have we can lose.  It’s why attachment in Buddhist teaching is the root of suffering. 

You see one thing we all know for sure is that we will die, there’s no greater certainty, yet we live like we’ll live forever and it’s an utter surprise to us when we lose someone we love, we’re completely unprepared.

Demo likened it to staying in a posh hotel.  We know we’re only there for short time, we make the most of the fine white sheets, the fluffy bath robe and free shampoos.  We enjoy it, appreciate it but we don’t believe we’ll take any of it with us or cry when we leave because we knew right from the start that we’d be checking out.

It doesn’t diminish the pain this kind of suffering causes though and that brings me to my next point.

Suffering is hard, even if we can accept it.  We don’t like to suffer, but it can also be where our biggest lessons come from.  During my time at plum village Thích Nhất Hạnh’s place in France I read his famous book ‘No mud no lotus’  In fact I now have a lotus tattooed on my foot as a result of this very important lesson.  The lotus is a beautiful flower that grows from the mud.  We too grow from our challenges to bloom into the beautiful humans we are.  It’s because of the mud that we become a lotus and without the mud we wouldn’t bloom.  Suffering is part of the human condition and it’s ok not to be ok.  If we get sick or lose someone we love of course we’ll suffer but sitting in the mud is often how we get through those times and over time the lotus starts to bloom.  So often it’s our deepest scars that can lead to our biggest gifts.

Dharma is a Buddhist term for purpose, your gift to the world, your work.  It’s how we serve.  For many of us in the western world work is now all about money and we’ve lost tough with our sense of purpose that we get from the work we do.  It gives us a reason to get out of bed in the morning and that feeling of making a difference in the world.  It’s usually related to helping others too because as Buddhist’s tell us “all the happiness there is in the world arises from wishing others to be happy”  kindness and compassion makes us feel good and have been under rated for too long in our survival of the fitness, me first mentality.  But back to purpose.  This was a big learning for me and resulted in me walking away from my corporate job, six figure income, company car, and ‘successful’ career.  It shifted my thoughts from money and status (that did not bring me joy) to how I could use my skills to make a positive impact around me.  I realised it’s not what you do but why you do it, your gift and how it impacts the world.  This is now my dharma, writing books and delivering talks and coaching to help people be their best and align to their purpose.  Of course this still earns me money and quite frankly it needs to otherwise I’m not able to do this work if I can’t afford my food and bills that power this work.

Simplicity This was a revelation to me as a corporate high flyer always wanting more, buying my way to happiness, hung up on ego and status.  None of this made me happy and yet when I lost it all (voluntarily) I’d never been happier.  It was a feeling of freedom, an opportunity to rediscover what matters.  It taught me to love what I have rather than constantly chase after more.  We tend to think in our modern world that more is better and this pursuit is like a bottomless bucket, a constant craving because of course there’s always more to have/do.  We think that to be happy we have to have things when in fact the opposite is true.  Having less has shown me the path to enjoying more.

The more we have, the harder we have to work to pay for it and the more worry we have over losing it!  Life is more simple these days and I’m much happier as a result.  It’s not about getting what you want but loving what you have and knowing that in the developed world most of us already have everything we need. 

At some point in our lives we are forced to reduce the amount we have, whether it’s financial reasons, divorce, sickness, natural disaster or eventually death. Guess what we won’t take with us when the inevitable happens, everything. Having less stuff does not mean less quality of life and this is clear to me now. It opens more space in our life for the fun stuff, the things that really matter, there’s less to clean, insure and pack each time you move. Spending time living the simple life I realised how little we actually do need and by not having it, how much more room we have for things in our life that really matter. 

What 2020 has taught me

It was a year of uncertainty for many and challenge.  Most of our plans this time last year changed dramatically over the course of 2020.  Yet there’ll still be some progress we’ve made and things we’ve achieved, probably more so, given what we all had to overcome in the year of the pandemic.

A good visual record of this is the top nine doing the rounds.  Our photos on our phone capture our moments, look back on yours from 2020 and collect the best.  Ask these questions to help review your year and set yourself up for 2021.

·        What’s gone well?

·        What have I learned?

·        What can I do now that I couldn’t do this time last year?

·        What do I need right now?

·        What’s in my highest good?

·        What do I need to let go of?

As I reflect on the last year these are the lessons I’ve learned:

Resilience is something I talk about a lot and no doubt a muscle we’ve all had to flex this year.  We like to think everything will go well and to plan and yet it rarely does!  Life requires us to be uncomfortable with uncertainty and yet so often it’s the root of our suffering.  We tend to chase after and hold onto the good times not wanting them to end whilst avoiding and numbing out any bad times rather than just accepting what is and the nature of lifes ups and downs - this can often be the biggest lesson in resilience and one I’ve learned this year.

Rest has been something I’ve enjoyed over the last week or so but was also enforced on many of us during lockdown.  We noticed the void that comes with stopping and the uncomfortable moments of being too long with our own thoughts or having too much time on our hands – a novelty we’ve not been used to.  I’m also one for striving and doing and yet I’ve learned that sometimes stopping is starting.  When we stop we solve the problem, find the answer, listen to our gut, remember where we put the car keys, get that great idea.  Whilst we can be so busy trying to do all of the things sometimes the answers we seek arise when we stop doing.

Gratitude is another favourite topic of mine and this year has forced me to be more mindful of looking for the positives.  It’s helped me see that often the small things really are the big things and we’ve always got so much to be grateful for.  It’s often the stuff we take for granted too.  It brings to mind a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson about the night sky.  He said that if the night sky was a once in one thousand year occurrence we’d all go out and be amazed, religions would be created overnight and the world would stop as we gazed in awe.  But the nights sky stars happens every night so we all just watch TV instead.  It’s true that the things we have everyday we take for granted and almost stop noticing until they’re taken away.  Like our ability to gather, go to cafes with friends, see our family or go to the beach.  Lockdown was a lesson in appreciating all the things we took for granted, do we still appreciate them in the same way six months down the track?

You know I’m big of looking for the silver lining in the clouds and that clouds are an expected part of our life as we navigate the ups and downs and the uncertainty that is a normal part of human life.

Despite cancellations of events I was able to go online (silver lining)

Despite not being with friends and family in UK as they contracted covid-19, so far all have recovered and whilst I wanted to be there I’d have been in lockdown so of little use.  Being so far away might be hard but it also means I get to be in NZ and live freely for most of this year (another silver lining).

Despite not seeing my UK based family this year or having them at my wedding I was still able to get married.  Despite the restricted audience numbers I managed to perform live on the TEDx stage.  Despite launching a book in look down the first shipment of the Superwoman Survival guide sold out.  You get the idea!  There’s a lot to be grateful for and I’m a big believer in focusing on what we have rather than what we may have lost. 

As a nomad I love to travel and have been back to see my UK based family every year without fail since I left a decade ago.  However being confined to NZ has allowed me to travel locally, appreciate my own back yard and get to some places I’ve not been to before.  We really are very lucky that we get to call NZ home.

I hope you’ve had a great summer break and have reflected on your progress and lessons from 2020 to set you up for success in 2021.

ngā mihi o te tau hou

Jess

The self-improvement myth

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” Brene Brown

Whatever you call it; personal development, self-help, self-improvement, it’s a massive business and a billion dollar industry.

Whether we’re focusing on career progression, physical health and appearance, mental resilience or simply being the best we can be in daily life the same point is implied – that we are not already enough as we are, that we need to be different in some way.

I’m a massive fan of personal development and I’m part of the industry I mentioned above but I don’t buy into the self-improvement theory.  I don’t believe we should all feel the pressure to change or be something we’re not and I don’t believe we’re falling short in the way that so many of us feel.

You see I think self-improvement is all about being the best version of you, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly – it’s always going to happen, it’s its destiny but it takes time, some are quicker than others and some butterflies are more beautiful than others, some have missing bits or imperfections but that’s what makes us unique and it’s about uncovering that beauty not trying to change it or wishing we were something or someone else.

I’m different now to who I was then but underneath it’s all the same – it’s all me.

The difference is I used to be confused about who I was and what I wanted, I was too busy trying to fit the mould to figure out who I was and what I wanted and I lacked the confidence to believe there was another way. I’d never heard of values, I certainly didn’t know I had them inside and authenticity filled me with fear because I desperately wanted to fit in.

I went on a journey of self-discovery, I travelled the world in search of answers, I walked away from a corporate career and rebuilt a life around my dreams. I figured out what my values were and how to live with meaning and purpose and I became more aware of who I was and what I wanted.

This gave me the confidence to start my own business, write a book and leave a relationship of seven years with a man because I was gay.

It’s a slow journey, one that takes time, one in which we learn from our mistakes and our experiences and each day we grow stronger and more beautiful like the butterfly. But it doesn’t stop there, I don’t think there’s ever a day that we’ve made it and all our dreams come true.

We continue to grow, learn and develop whether we’re 21 or 71.

It’s not about changing who we fundamentally are – about improving ourselves or being different but uncovering our true potential, growing into the person we’re capable of being and embracing that greatness that has been there all along buried deep within us – that’s development, that’s being awesome and it’s something we’re born with.

Much of the time we’re worried we should be better than we are or that we’re not as good as someone else. We worry about what others think when they judge us or why we’re not measuring up to others we are judging. We’re all worried about what people think of us yet the irony is no one is thinking half the things about you that you dread, do you know why?  Because they’re all too busy worrying about what other people think of them.

Unfortunately there will always be someone more beautiful, clever, talented or stronger than you. But the reverse is also true: there will always be people less than you in all of these areas.

So instead of comparing yourself to others, look to see if you’re fulfilling your own potential and celebrate the things you already have.

We are inclined to think more negatively, especially where our flaws are concerned and we’re designed to notice this above the positives. We spend more time focusing on our weaknesses than our strengths.

Everyone has weaknesses and no matter how hard we try we’re never likely to be great at this but if we focus on our natural skills and abilities – this is what helps us grown and be successful and the things others admire in us.

We often view our weaknesses as fatal flaws which need addressing yet everyone has them and we all have strengths too. By virtue of being human we’ll have a collection of both.

The trick is to focus on leveraging our strengths and accepting our weaknesses.  There’s a element of vulnerability to admit there are certain things we just can’t excel at (spreadsheets and accounts in my case!) yet that doesn’t make us useless or broken or defect in some way. There are also many things we excel at and strengths we have and embracing both sides of this coin is key to our success.

Being authenticity you, true to all you are and all you believe in is the shortcut to being awesome and it’s an authenticity that develops as we age but exists within us all along, it’s our true heart and soul and when we’re are in touch with this, acting in accordance with this we’ve not need to improve ourselves or feel like we need to be different in anyway.

It’s not an excuse to sit and do nothing and to stay in a place that’s comfortable even when we know we can do better but it’s about being real with ourselves and allowing us to develop in our own time, pushing our limits and facing our fears but being patient, accepting and not beating ourselves up when we fail or when progress feels too slow.

This is awesome and this is being our best selves and by feeling comfortable and confident we show up beautifully in everyday life and inspire others with our flaws and imperfection and all. 

It doesn’t stop us, it helps shape us into the best version of ourselves, no improvement necessary.

Find out more and join us for this New Year webinar

From empty community halls to celebrity stages

When I came to Wellington I had one book published to my name, no-one had really bought it and I knew no-one.  I set up a meet up group and started to put on free events in a bid to build my network and share my message.  I rented a community hall for $10 and sometimes sold a book at these events, but sometimes I’d be all set up like this (image above) and no-one would show up – even though it was free to attend!

I felt like a failure but it also made me realise there was a lot I needed to learn about marketing and events, so I set about learning.  I built a website, learned how to use social media effectively and started to build a database.  I had flyers printed and began sending messages to other groups who might let me speak at their events.

I could have quit, it was tempting at times, I thought about giving up.  But I knew I could succeed if I just learned what I didn’t know.  I was driven to make this happen but I was also open to failing along the way as an inevitable part of the process.  Not seeing it as proof I’m not cut out for this but a lesson I need to learn.

Slowly work of mouth grew and by the time I launched my second book in Wellington I’d been here 2 years and filled the venue with a crowd of people who outnumbered my friends and family (who I expected to be there!) – even the president of the National Council for Women came, along with my PR agent.  Times had changed and things continued to grow from there along with my confidence. 

The same strategies and tactics landed me this speaking gig alongside Mike King just one year later (see below).  During the same year I appeared on TV, in magazines and on the radio.  I became known as an expert in my field and now rather than chasing speaking gigs I was being sought out and paid thousands.  This was my dream but it took a lot of hard work to get there.

It’s also worth mentioning that this big event, which should have taken place this week was cancelled due to Covid-19 border restrictions so it felt timely to reflect on how far I’ve come rather than what could have been this week!

I share this because so often we see failure as the end of the road, proof we’re not cut out for this.  Yet no-one writes a book and turns into a best seller overnight (unless they are a celebrity), no-one becomes a speaker and get’s the big stage on their first gig.  We all have to start somewhere and practice, we have to make mistakes to learn and we have to learn to grow and as part of that journey we will experience failure.  It’s part of the process. 

This process has taught me the value in failure and learning from mistakes.  It has also helped me grow and build my confidence so I can feel like I own my place on these stages now.  I wouldn’t have done a few years ago, I needed that practice and learning to feel comfortable and confident doing what I do now.

When we get out of our comfort zone we’ll either succeed or fail and learn something we needed to know in order to succeed, either way the path leads to the same place.  When we prove ourselves competent our confidence grows and it’s then we step into our power and succeed in our goal.

This also now adds to my credibility.  It becomes like a snowball this competence, confidence loop and the more success you experience and growth you have the more opportunities it leads to, including taking the TEDx stage for me this year.

Even those you look up to and aspire to be had to start somewhere and have probably learned a lot along the way.  With consistency and being open to failure we can go far, this has certainly been my experience.

My top five wellness rituals that keep me at my best

There are so many articles out there from the rich, famous, successful people on how they remain at their best, what they put their success down to.  Their health hacks through to their morning routines and everything in between.  Where wellness impacts us the most is in this space of success.  If we’re not well we can’t be successful.  We can’t have great ideas, get through the workload or have the energy to inspire others.  The healthier and happier we are as individuals the more effective and therefore successful we’re likely to be.  It’s why wellness has become big business, in business.

It’s something I discovered the hard way burning out in a senior corporate role at one of the biggest companies in the country.  Back in the days when I put hard work at the top of my to do list and deprioritised taking time off.  I saw down time as a waste of time – unproductive! The result? My performance suffered and ultimately my health.

It’s why these lessons have become the strategies I swear by not just to keep me functioning well but to help me go that extra mile in terms of the ideas I have the work I produce and the impact it has.  These are the strategies I attribute my success to and are what keep me bouncing out of bed each morning to do it all again – even on the hard days.

We’re only at our best when we feel healthy and well.  It means we’re able to achieve so much more.  When I’m well rested and at my best I come up with great ideas, I have more energy when I present and my mind is clearer when I sit down to tackle the to do lists.  I can get done in a day what it used to take 3 days to do – and it’s better quality.  From a performance perspective who wouldn’t say no to this?  If this was a pill I was selling with the same results it’d be one of the best selling drugs of all time.  There are similar themes that arise when CEOs and celebrities share their tips around wellness and what keeps them at their best, some you’ll recognise here.  It’s not a coincidence.  These are the things I swear by to keep me performing at my best.

Meditation – this has been life changing and over the last decade continues to be the number one skill I’ll always point to as the most important one I’ve ever learned – it’s also very simple.  I sit for ten minutes each morning and observe my breathing, sometimes with the support of an app.  Some days my mind is busy and other days peaceful but regardless of what I find this practice ensures I can cultivate calm and composure throughout the day.  It has helped me become more self-aware, control my thinking patterns, handle set backs, respond rather than react and regulate my emotions as well as become more present and therefore more aware of what’s going on around me.

Movement – for me it’s yoga because it grounds me as well as stretching my body and strengthening my muscles.  We’re all different though so it’s not really about what exercise you do it’s about making sure you move your body in a way that works for you.  I also enjoy getting my heart rate up, even if that means a trip to the gym – the exercise endorphins make me happy and the fitness makes me healthy.  I also appreciate the post workout sauna and my muscles relax and I get some thinking space – I’ve had many good ideas in the sauna post workout!  I’m also a fan of walking though and for reasons well beyond the exercise – this also allows me to get out into nature which is also key for my wellness, I love the sunshine and feel the effects of a daily dose of vitamin D when I get outside.

Solitude – as much as I love public speaking, connecting with people and delivering workshops I know I need to couple this with some alone time.  As an introvert being around lots of people exhausts me so when I’ve had a speaking heavy week I know I need a day to myself.  I’m a thinker and without this quiet time to process my thoughts they get a bit jumbled.  In a world of busyness and noise we’ve lost touch of the benefits of silence and time to be by ourselves.

Making sure I get an early night is key, I know I need my sleep and I know I’m not as effective without it, in terms of energy but also temperament and my ability to think clearly (therefore make decisions and problem solve).  I’ve also got a lot better at saying no.  I used to have a tendency to want to do all of the things – either because of FOMO or because I didn’t want to let people down.  Now I experience the opposite JOMO and the joy of missing out by taking a bath and going to bed early whilst everyone else heads off to that post conference party.

Rather than waste energy on things I can not change or worry about what ifs I like to ensure I get perspective.  I do this through a gratitude practice, that helps me see the positives in my life and my business and train the brain to offset its negativity bias. I also like to be aware of when my thoughts do tend towards the negative and why – what am I worrying about and what can I do about it.  I keep the Dali Lamas saying close by at times like this “if there’s a solution to your problem great don’t worry.  If there’s not a solution to your problem, there’s no point worrying”

Learning the art of acceptance and letting go of what we can’t control has been a game changer.

I notice when I don’t get time to devote to this stuff that my energy drops and I become less effective.  My health and mood suffer too.  That’s why these rituals sit at the top of my to do list.  It’s critical for me to survive and be at my best.  Not a nice to have, luxury item that I get around to at weekends or when I’ve done everything else on the to do list - because that never happens!

Of course this doesn’t make me immune to over doing it – taking on too much because of the high achiever drive or not saying no often enough because of the people pleasing tendencies.  I also notice when I get busy I need to focus on this stuff more – and it’s ironic because it’s at that point we have the least time to devote to it!  When I notice I’m in this space I spend less time on my device, cut down on what I’ve begun to drink as a coping mechanism or to ‘unwind’.  I make an effort to eat more fruit and veg and get more sleep. It’s a great kick start that helps me find space to pause and breath and focus back on my wellness tools.

So now you know my secret to success, what’s yours?  What keeps you functioning at your best and are you prioritising that?

Find out more on this free lunchtime webinar 16 December 2020

Building a buffer into your schedule

Recently I’ve been working on getting myself back to 100% after hitting a bit of a wall.  One of the things I had to do was regain control of my schedule so I could carve out some me time and time off.  I don’t know about you but I struggle to say no, I always want to help people out, take on more and often bite off more than I can chew or struggle to leave enough time for myself.

This year I set up automatic scheduling for all of my appointments which has been great for saving time, but I also noticed I’d end up with far too many appointments and struggle to fit in the stuff I needed to do for me as well.  On reflection this freedom was one of the reasons I chose to work for myself and I’d seemingly given it away to an online scheduling tool!

I discovered that my scheduling tool actually has a buffer setting.  This is a time limit you can set at the start/end of each meeting it books to give you time to breathe. 

So often we find ourselves in back to back meetings without time to eat away from our desk or even go to the bathroom.  To be our best we often need time between meetings to collect our thoughts, prepare, take a breath or at least a transition.  Do you have a buffer?  How can you create one?

It might not be via an electronic scheduling tool but the principle is the same.  How can you create space in your schedule for you, time to breath and an effective transitions between activities?  This used to be in the form of travel between meetings and home but these days the amount of time we spend on zoom or working from home these transitions and buffers are disappearing.

So now although I’ve handed control of my diary to an online scheduling tool I have regained control of keeping time back for me.  I’ve also blocked out a day a week in my diary for me – whether that’s to catch up on admin or get to the gym.  It gives me breathing space, a buffer and some flexibility in the busy weeks.  I also know there’s one less excuse now to find time for the things that keep me effective, help my wellness and are so critical to keeping us at our best.

You are your first teacher

I love my lunchtime yoga classes at SPACE, it breaks up my day and gets me out of the office.  Recently in class I was reminded of something I learned during my yoga teacher training 5 years ago in Byron Bay.  You are your first teacher.  I’d been into yoga for sometime before I did my teacher training.  I’d also pulled muscles and injured my back in pursuit of the perfect pose.  To look like the others in the class and to push myself to be better.  After all isn’t this what we do in most areas of our life?

I hadn’t appreciated before that we know our own bodies best.  I hadn’t been accustomed to listening to my inner voice or intuition.  My focus was always external and more was always better.  That’s how I ended up in my career, relationships and life burned out, injured and feeling like a failure.

Fast forward 6 years and a lot of yoga and soul searching and I’m more inclined to be comfortable with doing what I can, on the day I get, with the body I have and knowing that this is different.  Same in life.  Just because we’re capable of brilliance, doesn’t mean we’ll be brilliant every day.

Listening to ourselves has been undervalued for so long.  Whether it’s that headstand in yoga that someone else is doing or the promotion your parents think you should go for.  What do you feel?  What’s your intuition telling you?

We are conditioned to compare ourselves to others, it’s our human nature in the developed world.  This then leads to us wanting to be more like others and less like ourselves – to push.  Now we can learn a lot from those around us but we should still be in the driving seat with that information rather than allowing it to influence us or wind up doing what we think we ‘should’.

It's something I shared in this recent video blog, using the analogy of my home grown tomatoes.  So often it’s the impatience of wanting to bloom or the comparison to how others bloom that leads us further from ourselves and closer towards discontentment.

How many times have you done a pose in class even though your body is screaming no at you through your joints.  How many times have you stayed late or replied to that email at 1030 even though you’d rather have been doing other things at home?  But everyone else is, what will they think of me, I don’t want to let them down??  The common thoughts that run though our mind when we’re operating from a place of ‘should’.

 This isn’t just about overstretching at yoga.  It’s leaving the relationship before it’s too late, it’s saying no the a few more wines even though everyone else wants you to join them in another bottle, it’s telling your boss about your boundaries or calling out a friend for not being around unless they want you for something.

 You are your first teacher and you know yourself better than anyone.  So if you want to be in childs pose not headstand do it, if you want to be a yoga teacher instead of a lawyer, do it.  If you want to leave your marriage to set an example to your kids about love and what you settle for, do it. 

Your gut feeling is there for a reason, it helps us become our authentic self, you are your first teacher.

Tattoos and transitions - no mud, no lotus

Last week I got a tattoo to mark my New Zealand citizenship.  It’s not my first tattoo but my first for 5 years at least.  It’ something I seem to do to mark a transition.  In fact if we look back at where tattoos come from they’ve always been used as part of ancient cultures to mark transitions, ceremonies and tribal belonging.

My last tattoo was the lotus on my left foot.  Synonymous with Buddhism I got this when I returned from a big trip that followed me leaving the corporate world and leaving my long term relationship to come out.  I spent time in Bhutan (the kingdom famous for Gross National Happiness in place of GDP), I taught English to Buddhist monks in northern Thailand and I spent time in Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village in France.  Teaching Mindfulness and immersing myself in other cultures helped my own transition and self realisation.  It’s where I began to understand the metaphor that Thich Nhat Hanh himself wrote about – No mud, no lotus.

It’s easy to be happy when life is going well, we know that.  It’s a much bigger ask when challenges present, when things happen outside of our control, when life gets tough.

The lotus grows in the mud before it blooms above the water line and without the mud we don’t get the beautiful bloom – no mud, no lotus!  It can seem like this as we transition through life’s big moments, challenges we overcome.  The things that help us grow and make us stronger often feel like the very mud we’d rather avoid.  Without the mud and our challenges we would not experience the lotus or joy in our life as well.  Without the mud we don’t bloom into the lotus either and it’s through this growth process that we become who we are.  This has always been an important lesson for me – hence the tattoo!

Over the years I’ve learned that happiness is not the mere absence of suffering or temporary cessation of unhappiness.  It’s less about elation and perfection more about purpose and fulfilment, being connected to who you are.  A big part of this is resilience, tough times will come to us all.  It’s how you deal with it and bounce back that impacts your happiness. 

Being happy doesn’t mean there is no suffering and as Thich Nhat Hanh says in his book ‘No Mud, No Lotus’; “the art of happiness is also the art of suffering well.”  To be happy it is critical we embrace and manage our suffering.

We have an inbuilt predisposition to run from pain and although suffering is inevitable, avoidance of pain is such a major preoccupation for us.  The methods we employ to achieve this often contribute to more of the very pain we are trying to avoid; addictions, eating disorders, debt, etc.

Suffering is hard, even if we can accept it.  We don’t like to suffer, but it can also be where our biggest lessons come from.  Suffering is part of the human condition and it’s ok not to be ok.  If we get sick or lose someone we love of course we’ll suffer but as we sit with these feelings, sitting in the mud – what we realise is that over time the lotus starts to bloom.  So often it’s our deepest scars that can lead to our biggest gifts.  Standing in our power involves owning the past that got us here – the good and the bad.

Whether it’s being made redundant and having to find a new job not on your terms or finding yourself single after 20 years of marriage and forging a new life.  Regardless of the pain you may experience each experience provides an opportunity for a clean slate, a blank canvas for you to create the life you’ve always wanted.

Book your free 20 minute consultation call here to see how I can help you

Where's your edge and how close are you?

It’s something we’re good at as women, pushing ourselves, operating close to our edge, taking on more, giving to others.  As people pleasers we tend to put others before ourselves, we don’t like saying no and hate letting people down.  It’s why so many of us run on empty, operate close to exhaustion and often don’t stop until we’re forced to – when we fall over that edge.

It’s something I’ve experienced recently and I should know better!  I’ve written books and delivered countless workshops on this topic and have all the tools.  Yet I’m also not immune to the people pleasing, achievement drive and the busyness epidemic so many of us experience.

I’ve recently reached my edge and the problem for me was that it was three days out from my wedding.  My normal advice would be to stop and rest but I kept pushing.  I didn’t want to let people down and of course I wanted to be at my wedding!  I continued to entertain family members who arrived the week leading up to the wedding, organise the last minute event details, worry about what might go wrong and squeeze in clients who wanted to see me before I took 10 days off.  I rationalised it by saying I could rest on honeymoon so it was ok to keep going despite my body telling me I needed to stop.

I’d also fallen into some bad habits and noticed those early signs of nearing the edge.  Reaching for a wine on a Friday night to unwind, losing the motivation to go to the gym, not making time for my usual yoga classes and eating all the wrong things.  I know these are my early warning signs but kept pushing regardless, and of course these things as well as being my warning signs also increase the toll I’m placing on myself as I dance around the edge.

It almost cost me my wedding day as I limped across that finish line, medicated by my doctor to get me through the symptoms of sickness I’d been trying to stave off.  Fortunately it was a lovely day and one I thoroughly enjoyed but what came after was the crash.  A tiredness that you feel deep in the bones, being close to tears, struggling to string words together - even looking for a car park became a task too much.  I slept through most of the honeymoon, 12 hours a night and then afternoon naps on top.  Thankfully I’m recovering and those few days off in beautiful Queenstown relaxing with my new wife were just what I needed.

I took some additional days off this week to ease back into work and have noticed I’m still not as motivated and energised about my work as I normally am.  A lingering cough sticks around reminding me of my edge.  I know the signs, I also know the tools but we still have to battle with years of conditioning and societal norms as women to say no, let people down, put us first and take the rest we need.  We’ll always have more things to do than time to do it in and if you’re a high achiever you’ll also be driven to do more and over-achieve goals and milestones.  Know the signs and reflect on what pushes you to your edge and how to stop yourself from going over it.

On reflection I can see I made some bad calls.  I should have protected more of my time, said no, took time off leading up to the wedding – basically the advice I give others, so why didn’t I? 

I’m aware that I took on more than I needed to, jobs that could have waited until after the wedding that I pushed ahead with, additional projects I took on that didn’t need to have such early deadlines.  I’d misjudged the emotional transition of getting married with the additional emotional toll of my UK based family not making it because of Covid.  On reflection I’m guilty of throwing myself into work to avoid feeling difficult emotions despite the intellectual understanding I have of this to know otherwise.  As I often say though ‘knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing’.  We know a lot of this already but what we end up doing, especially in times of stress, can often be different.

I share this to show we’re all in the same boat and none of us are immune, knowing this and being mindful of where our edge is and how close we are to it is a good reminder for us all to prioritise self-care and keep an eye on this trap to avoid falling into it more often.  It’s also a great time to note that we’re not perfect and sometimes we’ll make these errors despite our better judgement but each time we learn a valuable lesson.  Know the signs for when you’re nearing your edge and take action before you go over the top.  I’m recovering well and happy to be able to put the knowledge I have into practice and use this reminder to ensure my edge becomes something I’m less frequented with!

Start with the end - the launch of my new book

I’ve recently embarked on writing my fourth book.  In fact many of you helped give me your thoughts on the cover design which you’ll see below. It was a close call between the top two which also happened to be my favourites but it turns out the other design has been used often in other forums, this one is unique.

Anyone who writes books knows this is a long process, well after the words hit the page as a first draft manuscript.  It’s a process I learn more about each time I publish a new book and hopefully improve as I go.  One of the tricks I’ve begun to employ for the last couple of books is to schedule in a launch date as I put pen to paper.  I don’t just mean in my diary in pencil so I can cross it out.  I mean publicly on Facebook, booked venues and informed the editor and print team – a real commitment.  Why?

I find that starting with the end gives us something to aim for, a deadline to work to but also helps me visualise success.  I can see the launch now and me signing the new book (which I’ve not finished writing yet).

I don’t pick a date that’ll put undue pressure on me, it leaves a month flex in case of emergencies (launching in lockdown this year taught me the value of that lesson!) having that date means I’m less likely to procrastinate.  I can work back from that date knowing my deadlines for the manuscript to be at the editor and then the printer, when I need the cover design signed off and when the PR campaign should commence.  Starting with the end often helps us work back and highlight key milestones along the way. 

Otherwise it can be a big job and sometimes hard to put one foot in front of the other to progress unless we have some direction.  It’s also one of those jobs that can take 3 months or 3 years depending on what else gets in the way, how much we procrastinate or the flexibility we allow ourselves.  If I don’t put a deadline on this it’s too easy to push it out and let other stuff get in the way.  It becomes less of a priority when there’s no deadline attached.  This helps keep me honest and on track.

It also helps me see the finish line.  When I look in my diary I can see my goal being achieved.  When people begin to book I can visualise the reader and my book being a finished product.  All of this mentally helps me feel the goal is more achievable and experience the success well before I’ve hit the finish line.  It’s the same reasons athletes visualise themselves winning races or standing on the podium.  Once we image it and live it through our minds it’s so much easier to recreate in real life.

So what goal are you procrastinating on, have you set a deadline?  What does success look like and can you visualise your finish line?

And just to prove I’m true to my word and take my own advice.  You can book your space on the forthcoming book launch (for this book I’ve yet to finish writing!) here.

Are you busy or productive?

It’s an interesting question because most of us have been conditioned to believe that the busier we are the more productive we’ll be.  We live in a world that prioritises quantity over quality – more is always better.  The more hours you work the more valued you are as an employee, the more successful you’ll be, the more you’ll earn.  Until we burn out.  Then we’re not productive or valuable to anyone! 

Busyness is fashionable, we wear busy like a badge of honour.  It means we’re needed, valuable and productive.  This attachment to busy has become a marker of our self-worth and we cling to it.  

High achievers have this drive to do more or better, the need to prove ourselves.  What ever we achieve, it’s never quite enough.  We rush through life like its one big emergency trying to be all things to all people.  Then when we burn out we feel guilty for letting people down.  Sound familiar?

I was lucky enough to spend time in Bhutan, the kingdom famous for Gross National Happiness in place of GDP.  On a hike in the beautiful Himalayan mountains I asked a much older but more nimble monk

“how far is it to the top?”

“it’s better to travel well than to arrive” he said ie slow down, enjoy the view.

Our societies attachment to busy means we no longer value the opposite of busy – we see down time as a waste of time.  Do you feel selfish or guilty for taking time out for you?  Even though it’s not just you that benefits from that time out.  Imagine what a better partner, parent, worker, person you are when you’re not stressed out and tired?  I know that everyone in my house benefits when I’ve had a good nights sleep!

It’s a concept I refer to as slowing down to speed up which I know sounds counter intuitive but bear with me!  If we slow down, take time out, make time for self-care we find we become more effective and therefore speed up.  Because tasks don’t take as long, decisions are easier to make and problems easier to solve, we can think clearly and we make less mistakes.  This is the concept of slowing down that then enables us to speed up because we’re more effective.

Take the recent research into the 4 day week.  Initially we thought there’s be a loss in productivity if we worked one day less – sounds logical right?  What we find though is that we’re just as productive if not more in the shorter time because we’ve had down time, because we’re able to function at our best.

It’s this difference between busy and productive and they don’t mean the same thing.  In fact the busier you are the chances are the less effective you’re going to be.  We know that when we focus on one thing at a time one moment at a time we give it our full concentration and if we’re well rested, happy and healthy the quality of that concentration will be our best.  Now compare that to trying to do a thousands things at once with the pressure and stress of diminishing hours in the day, you’re tied, the to do list is overflowing and you’re brain feels overwhelmed.  What do you think the quality of that work you’re doing is like?

HBR reported a study that showed when we think we’re multitasking what the brain is actually doing is switching from one task to another in very quick succession, often micro seconds making it appear like we can multitask.  But how good are those thoughts if we’re running so many of then through our brain in such quick succession?  Could this be why we feel tired and overwhelmed so often and mental health issues continue to be on the rise?

Our glorification of busy and association between busy and success means that most people you ask at work about their day will tell you how busy they are – we think it means we’re productive.  It means we’re not being as effective as we could be so don’t be busy, be productive.  If you take time out and slow down what you’ll find is that you perform better and therefore are more effective and productive.

Uncertainty, change & focusing on what we can control

This year has been one out of the box for most of the world, and continues to disrupt in a way we’ve never seen before.  It’s been a great lesson in dealing with uncertainty as the on off nature of life continues.  We talk about returning to normal, or a new normal but what is normal anyway and is this really new?  We’ve not had Covid-19 before but we have had earthquakes tsunamis, terrorism and other global events that have disrupted our lives and wrecked our economy.

To me this is just another event we navigate in the uncertainty of life and this is not new but it is normal. 

There’s so much about life we can’t control but we like to think we do.  My making plans, having goals and living inside our rituals we appear to have it all planned out – until we don’t.  Until we lose our job, have to cancel our wedding, run out of business or get sick.

I’m reflecting on this as I hear one of the biggest conferences I’ve ever spoken at in terms of line up and celebrity notoriety is cancelled – I wonder when I’ll next be speaking at a conference, particularly outside of NZ.  I’m due to get married  this month but that’s been on and off as we fluctuate between lockdown levels.  A few weeks ago it became apparent none of the international guests could make it – that’s my entire family.  Obviously I’d never thought I’d get married without them there.

The border restrictions and difficulty travelling has made family feel very far away.  As someone who’s lived here for a decade now I’ve been back to see my family every year for those ten.  I’ve always taken it for granted that if anything was to happen I could hop on a plane and be there in 24 hours.  At the moment it’s not that simple and comes with the risk of getting Covid-19 or not being able to get back home.

I’ve also, perhaps not coincidentally noticed a drop in my productivity.  My mood has dipped, I’m not as motivated and probably in need of a rest.  Reflecting on the uncertainty Covid-19 has brought to us all its hardly surprising.  We’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster with the uncertain nature of our life, business and the loss of some of that too – for some even the loss of life.  This takes it’s toll and even for those of us that are thriving, this year has been harder than most. 

As high achievers we can be hard on ourselves, we’re used to performing at our peak.  Any drops in that or less than brilliant performances we put in tend to bring inner criticism, guilt or that sense of not measuring up.  We’re driven by achievement and to always be at our best.  It’s why times like this can be tough, we expect to be on our A game all the time and sometimes, especially these times, we simply are not.  And that’s ok.  Just because we’re capable of brilliance doesn’t mean we should expect it all the time.  We have to roll with the peaks and troughs and know that at times like this we may see a drop in our motivation and productivity and that’s ok. 

Given all that’s gone on and the general covid fatigue that’s around I’d say it’s to be expected.  What this is generally a sign of for high achievers is the need to take rest, down time, recovery, a pause so that we can regroup and continue to perform in line with our expectations.  Let’s not beat ourselves up during these pauses, they are critical for us to stay at our best – I say this as much as a reminder for myself as anyone else!

So life is uncertain and for most of us not really going to plan right now but such is the nature of a human life and the world we live in.  It’s why it’s even more important we make the best of what we have, to reflect on what we might take for granted and be grateful for all we have.  Even if that comes with sacrifices. 

We also need to be mindful of the toll this takes on our energy, mood and motivation.  Whilst it might seem like we’re coping and getting on with it because, well what choice do we have, the underlying subconscious will have been on an emotional rollercoaster so we’ll likely feel fatigued, a little less tolerant than normal and perhaps not as productive.  Be kind, especially to yourself and know that this is normal, take rest and some time to recover.

I’m so lucky to live in NZ and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now, I’m lucky I’m not sick and nor is anyone I know and love.  I’m grateful I’m in a loving relationship and can get married, for the technology that’ll beam in my overseas family and the fact that my business, whilst it’s changed during Covid times remains viable and makes an impact.  I feel pretty lucky that I get to do what I love everyday in a country I love surrounded by people I love.

These challenges remind us to focus on what we can control and to see the sunshine amongst the clouds and that our world by it’s very nature is change, disruption and uncertainty. 

It’s not a case of trying to change the stuff we can’t control but changing ourselves so we can adapt to the challenges that arise. 

To know that we never really know what’s around the corner and therefore uncertainty is our normal.  So rather than trying to make life certain we need to learn to make peace with uncertainty.

How offsetting your negativity bias will increase your confidence

Most of us feel uncomfortable accepting praise, and the negativity bias in our brain means we’re wired not to think of the positives so much – this combined with our modest culture and upbringing of course!  We are predisposed to focus on the things we’re not good at rather than the things we are. We also emphasise this by spending a lifetime dwelling on this stuff and searching out evidence to prove ourselves right: we’re not as good as people think, and there are some fatal flaws within us that mean we’re not worthy and probably won’t succeed.

Our brains are predisposed to think more negatively. It’s how we’ve evolved and used to keep us safe. If we’re constantly scanning the horizon for the worst that can happen, we are able to react and prepare for that, which helped us survive back in the days of sabretooth tigers. However, in our modern life, this translates to noticing all the things we don’t like about ourselves, the things we’ve not got yet and what’s not gone well for us at work.

If I ask you to think of one negative thing that’s happened this week, it’ll probably come quite easy. Something that didn’t go well, someone who upset you? You’ll have probably been thinking about it for days since it happened and ruminating on it at night. Now, if I ask you the same question about something positive, it’s harder to recall; even if the positives outweigh the negatives for you this week, it’s the negatives we remember and reflect on.

We’re also very quick to move on to the next thing in our modern world so don’t spend time reflecting on the positive, what went well, why, what strengths we used. It’s about rewiring the neural pathways in our brain to see things more evenly. It’s not that life will be any different; we’ll just learn to see more of the positive as well as the negative.

Life has evolved at an amazing pace, and we’ve not caught up. Dr Barbara Fredrickson did a research study on positivity ratios and found to offset this bias that exists in the brain, we need a ratio of 3:1. That’s three positive thoughts, emotions or experiences to every one negative.

There’s a lot of work to be done in this space, as our negativity bias is like a well-worn walking track; we use it often so it’s smooth and easy to navigate. To even this out, we need to start firing more of the positive neural pathways and breaking down a less-travelled path in the brain, an overgrown track – you know those huts you find up in the mountains that have only been slept in once this year and are covered in moss?  It’s like that and the chances are the track is more difficult to navigate, overgrown and steep.

So how can we counter this negativity bias and help train our brains to be a more positive place to be.  It takes time, like training a muscle. We don’t go into the gym and pick up the heaviest weight, and this is similar. It’s not an overnight thing; we start small and build up – it takes practice.

The more we fire those positive neural pathways the more we’ll even out the bias and a more even positive distribution of thoughts will become our default state.  It’s not that life changes but the lens we view it with does.  We start to see the positives as well as the negatives.

It comes up often in my Imposter Syndrome courses.  If we’re asking ourselves if we’re as good as people think or course a negative brain will only see evidence of why this is not true – further evidencing these feelings of not being good enough.  However if we even out this bias to be a better reflection of reality that next time we ask ourselves that question we’ll see the answers have more evidence stacked in the positive corner to evidence what people are telling us – we are as good as they think!

One of the tools I love using for this (and still use today) is keeping a success diary.

This is my favorite strategy and started because I had a poor memory and wanted to prepare better for my annual performance reviews. By writing down the successes throughout the year, I got a lift each time I reflected on them. It provided evidence to offset my negativity bias and a place I could go to each time I doubted myself. These days, it’s an icon on my desktop because I’ve advanced technologically over the years, but choose what works for you.  An inbox folder, a desktop icon and old fashion pen and paper journal or even a corkboard in your office with achievements and feedback from customers/clients attached.

Every time we add to this we’re walking down those overgrown tramping tracks and helping our brain retrain to see more of the positive.  The negative will still be there sure but the voice won’t be as loud because we’ve been able to see a more even distribution of reality that includes some positives too.

If we were building our bicep muscle at the gym we’d keep doing the curls and the weight would build up until the muscle was naturally strong even when we weren’t at the gym lifting weights – it’s the same with our positive neural pathways in our brain.

My gratitude practice also helps me train the brain to be a more positive place to be and helps me notice more of the good that goes on. It’s a reminder every time I read feedback forms and notice one that’s not as good as the rest to check on my mind-set, the negativity bias, and ensure I’m seeing the full picture.

Check out the next Imposter Syndrome workshop or contact me to organise one for your business to learn more about overcoming your negativity bias and training the brain to be a more positive place.

Advice on facing fear and getting over nerves

I had the privilege of speaking on the TEDx stage recently.  It was an awesome experience and so much work that tested and challenged me.  With 6 months prep time, workshops and learning this is the most time I’ve ever spent preparing a talk in my life.  All 15 minutes of it had to be memorised word for word too.  No slides, no teleprompt, no notes – this was a first for me.  Add to that the on off nature and uncertainty of our Covid world where events like this are concerned.  Along with the challenge from the coaches to be more vulnerable, share more of myself on the stage and I was well and truly out of my comfort zone. 

With family in the audience and hundreds from across the globe waiting on the livestream I stood backstage waiting for my call.  Made up and mic’d up I was terrified and I’m a professional speaker so I thought I’d left the stage fright behind long ago.

So what got me through and why was it a success?  Largely it’s down to these well worn tactics I’ve employed for years and certainly fell back on to get through this experience. 

Stay calm

The biggest barrier to memorising a script in front of a live audience is nerves but it’s that very thing that makes us nervous in the first place!  I knew if the nerves took hold I’d be more likely to forget, have mind blanks and stuff up.  It was vital I put a lid on my fears and remain calm in order for me to deliver this well.

We admire those who are calm and composed and it’s something we can create even when we feel nerves on the inside.  It’s a trait the helps us navigate set backs, conflict, relationships and in the face of a challenge the best advice is always to stay calm.  It helps us respond rather than react and be thoughtful with our actions.  It also gives our brains the chance to think as we act and therefore be more considered in our approach.

Relying on the old adage count to ten, take a deep breath.  It breaks the thought cycle of anxious, nervous minds or when we get side tracked by thoughts about everything that could go wrong!

Taking deep breaths, affirmations and meditation are all great strategies and I use all three.  I meditated backstage before going on to calm my heart rate and ground myself.  I’ve also meditated for the decade leading up to this which helps too!  Taking deep breaths when I was backstage ready to enter really helped tap back into this calm feeling when the heart rate began to rise again.  Now there’s a certain amount of energy and adrenaline that’ll help us perform – it’s why some people do press ups and star jumps before going on stage.  But if you’re already full of nervous energy and adrenalin you’ll probably need to balance that out. 

Those who’ve been to my workshops or events know that one of my favourite mantras for this kind of situation is “I’m calm, confident and capable” repeating this or something similar in my head over and over helps me embody what I’m saying and offset the nerves.  If you tell the brain something often enough it will believe it to be true.

Be Prepared

If I’ve put the prep in then I know it’s as good as it can be.  If I’ve done the work I’m more confident in the end result.  A good nights sleep the night before is the best preparation for a clear, calm mind.

I also want to plan how this will play out, both visualising the success, how I’ll feel coming off stage and practicing the hell out of what I’m about to deliver.  But also considering how I’d navigate anything that didn’t go to plan, how do I prepare for the worst case scenarios?

What’s the worst that can happen?  Most of the time our fear relates to failure, looking foolish, getting it wrong.  When we rationalise the worst case scenario in our head and plan for this or develop strategies to offset this then the fear diminishes.  As my heart rate increased backstage I thought to myself ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’ I fall over on stage, the mic stops working, I forget my lines, I freeze.  Then I went back through all of this to figure out the answers, how would I resolve it if these worst case scenarios come about.

No-one knows my script but me so they won’t know I’ve lost my lines.  Any freezes can be taken as pauses, edited out of the video and we’d developed a strategy on stage with a table and water jug so those struggling could pour a glass of water to gather themselves mid talk.  If I fall over or lose sound people may laugh but they’ll forgive me, it’s not so bad, I certainly won’t be the first or the last!  As a back up the dress rehearsal was filmed and the video can be edited so really the worst case scenarios are not really that bad!

The support you surround yourself with

Surround yourself with cheerleaders, people who support and encourage you, who back you and stand beside you.  This was my family in the audience but also my partner helping me get ready, reminding me about things I might have forgotten, asking me what I need, ironing my shirt etc.  She’d also been there the weeks before as I rehearsed at home.  She’d probably seen this talk 20 times before the live version!

Having the coaches whisper words of encouragement back stage helped, as did the high fives and fist pumps post match too!

Let go of perfect and it’ll be great

Despite practising this daily for 3 months there were still small errors on the day, words I used differently, pauses I forgot to make and a couple of minor things I missed out.  Could you tell?  Probably not.  Was it still good?  I think so.  It was never going to be perfect word for word and nor did it need to be but close enough is good enough and the bits I missed didn’t change the delivery, the message or the impact it made.  If I beat myself up or worried about those small mistakes I’d have risked throwing the whole thing out and getting lost.  Done is better than perfect and perfect should not get in the way of good.

Fear is inevitable when we get out of our comfort zone and yet we shouldn’t let it stop us.  These strategies have helped me face countless fears and continue to do so as I push myself out of my comfort zone and grow.

leadership observations post debate

My feed is usually a political free zone, it’s not something you’ll often find me getting drawn into but I felt compelled to write about this weeks leaders debate in NZ.  Not from a political viewpoint but more from a leadership view point.

In the analysis that’s followed various media reports have suggested that Jacinda Ardern didn’t win, that Judith Collins combative style is what we should expect for people to ‘win’ in the debate arena.  I’m not actually sure what win in the debate area means these days and if it’s the same as win votes by becoming the leader the majority of the country supports.

Now I’ve always thought that these debates were an opportunity for each party to tell us what they’re all about and why we should vote for them right?  I know it makes better TV viewing if there’s some conflict and drama but this isn’t reality TV, this is real life.  It’s not for entertainment, it’s to decide who runs our country and helps it recover from Covid-19.

I’ve always been a firm believer that in politics you’re best off focusing on yourself, why should I vote for you, what policies do you have and why would you make a great leader of our country?  These are the questions I want answering to decide my vote.  Sadly around the world most political arenas have dissolved into who can throw the most insults at the other, who can find scandal and discredit the opposition.  Blood sport seems to be the norm and I think a leader who refuses to get drawn into this deserves respect.

Let’s face it, the job you’re in now probably had an application process and an interview at which people then voted on your performance (and what you’d bring to the role) to offer you the job.  Did you spend your time during interview discrediting the other candidates?  No, you focused on the skills you had and why you’d be good for the job – shouldn’t this be the same?

Whilst it might be common in politics, I believe a leader who spends their time heckling, shouting over others and eye rolling is not one I’d want to work for.  It’s certainly not one I’d trust leading my company or looking after the ‘staff’ within that company (that’s us by the way in this analogy with leading the country)!

We can all have fancy policies, adverts and social media campaigns, a great script, the right clothes and make up.  But you can tell a lot from a leader by the behaviours they exhibit, how they respond to challenge and how they treat others.

I’m aware that these figures of authority who we call leaders attract a lot of attention in the media.  These are our roles models for future leaders and our kids.  Our vote is also a vote for the kind of leadership we want to emulate - the behaviours they exhibit, the way they respond to challenge, the things they condone, the characteristics they epitomise.  What do we want our kids emulating?