helping women succeed in leadership

I’ve spent all my career working with women or leaders and often both, I have been one, I am one! There’s some reoccurring themes that sparked my passion for delivering this content and helping other women succeed in leadership.

Before starting my own personal development business 5 years ago I had 15 years in HR progressing to senior roles, sitting on leadership teams across multiple industries and multiple countries including UK, Australia and NZ. Manufacturing, government, education, data and technology.

Being in HR you have a unique position in that you’re often the coach and confidant of senior leaders. Not only do you get to sit on the leadership team but you get to be privy to the recruitment to that team, talent and performance conversations and see what everyone is being paid. I began to notice across countries and industries that women were generally the minority at these tables, generally the higher performers and most often the lowest paid. They were also generally last to put their name forward for promotions even when they were the most qualified. This has ignited a passion in me to close the gender confidence gap and one I had to close for myself first when progressing leadership, often in male dominated industries and then again when starting my own business. My passion is sharing this knowledge to help others succeed.

Combining my own experience, three books, my HR background and over a decade working with women in personal development I share the best kept secrets to help women progress their career development and become the leaders they are capable of being. I believe if we close the gender confidence gap, equal pay and the numbers of women in leadership will follow. After all if we apply for more promotions, negotiate our salary and are equipped with the tools necessary to navigate the leadership journey (which is still more challenging for women), our chances of success greatly increase.

So many of the women I work with are high performers, they’ve had promotions in many cases but still feel this doubt over their capabilities.  That they need to know all the answers, do more, prove themselves.  We talk about speaking up in meetings, commanding respect and building reputation.  Not in a way that we need to build more assertiveness (a common myth) but how we embrace our authenticity and build on our style to leverage our strengths and gain the confidence to succeed.

This is why I created my Women in Leadership Programme, now in its third year and available just once this year (2nd October) and in Wellington. A place where women can learn to be the leaders they are capable of being, how to navigate the world of leadership as a woman, build your brand, deliver results, develop resilience and confidence and understand the role of emotional intelligence. Inspire and motivate others by leveraging your strengths and embracing authenticity. And how to stop fear and self-doubt getting in the way, which is common if you’re a high achiever.

Often this can be why we play it safe. I’ve witnessed countless men ask for pay increases and training investment in them year on year, which is fair enough if you’re performing well (some still ask even if this is not the case!) Women don’t ask so much, we fear rejection, being told no and a lot of this is influenced from the way we’ve been brought up as girls. Whether it’s your salary increase or an investment in your development to go on a training course or conference the answer is always no until you ask the question. No is your starting point so sometimes you’ve nothing to lose by asking, especially when it comes to your own development. These days many businesses have money aside to invest in their women because we want more women in leadership roles, we also have a gender pay gap most organisations are tasked with closing, if they need any more convincing click here  

I can’t wait to work with you and look forward to sharing this to empower more women in their career development.

If you'd like to book onto the 2020 programme click here for details.  With an early bird discount available for those who get in quick this will fill up as there’s a maximum of 10 places only.

belonging & finding home

This month I am about to become a New Zealand citizen and I feel pretty lucky.  After a decade of calling Aotearoa home I’m becoming an official kiwi – much to my Dad’s dismay.  A staunch British man who’s never left his own country he’s horrified I would cast aside my nationality and disown my heritage to ‘switch sides’.

The thing is home has never been a place for me and certainly wasn’t something I connect to the place I was born.  In fact if anything here is where I really became me so in fact the me you know today was born (or reborn) here.  You see for me home is not about a place.  It’s more soul than soil, it’s what we carry within us and the feeling of belonging we experience.  It’s who I’m with, the life I have and the person I am when I’m there.  This defines home and it’s much more of a feeling than a place could ever articulate.

Now more than after following Covid-19 am I pleased to call NZ home.  We are so lucky to have what we have.  When I look at the way the rest of the world has been impacted by covid-19, the governments that have managed it (or mis managed it), the way people have reacted and the consequential futures that now present in those countries I am forever grateful to be here.  Summed up best by the various slogans each government chose to adopt as we navigated covid-19.  This road sign near my house in Wellington mirrored across the country on signs, government briefings and the way in which people treated each other ‘Stay Calm, Be Kind’.

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I love and miss my family tremendously, they are always part of my feeling of home but whenever I return to visit England, I realise I love where I am.  I love my life, I love the people I surround myself with each day, I love the laid back, friendly, no stress attitudes, the wide green open spaces, I love our team of 5 million and the population we have that strikes the balance between economy without crowding.  No queue or commuting jams, no overfilled hospitals, classrooms, no 3 week wait for the doctor.  Yes there’s room for improvement, isn’t their always but we’re also one of the luckiest countries on the planet.

Most of all I love the person I am when I’m here and who I’ve become on the and of the long white cloud.

The sun always shines above the clouds

It’s a grey cloudy day, typical of Wellington winter.  As the plane take off we have the usual bumps navigating the breeze as we ascend.  There above the clouds the sun shines on my face, it feels like summer, like I’ve just gone on holiday.  Yet I’m only flying to Hamilton and the weather sounds pretty wintery there too!

That’s the thing with the weather, it comes and goes can be warm and sunny, cloudy and cold.  It’s natural, it’s the seasons.  Whatever the weather though the sun is always there.  On any given day if you fly above the clouds the sun is always shining, we just can’t always see it.

Life is the same.  It can get heavy, cloudy and dark but the sun is still there shining behind those cloudy moments.  Clouds come and go in our life but the sun is always there, we just have to look for it and sometimes that means waiting for the clouds to pass or getting above them to bask in the sun.

Those that know me know I’m a bit of a sun seeker, I’m not a fan of winter.  This winter not being able to travel to sunnier places has left me facing winter with no way out.  Even though I’m only flying to Hamilton (that’s the Waikato, not Hamilton Island Queensland!) I’m reflecting on the fact I can still find the sun.  Maybe I didn’t need to head to far off islands after all.

It’s similar with our life, sometimes we can be so lost in the search for more we miss what’s right under our noses.  So it’s only 12 degrees but this sunny, still day in Raglan can replace any tropical island beach – I just might not be swimming!

Seeing the sunshine that exists in our life helps us cultivate gratitude and stop lusting after more.  We know that craving is never fulfilled – like a bottomless bucket, there’s always more.  What if we didn’t need to seek the sun, because it’s been there all along?

Becoming more mindful has allowed me to notice more of the things I’m grateful for in life – the little sunshine moments that exist even on the cloudy days. And let’s face it we need the cloudy days, they bring rain and that leads to growth both of our plants but also in our life as we grow from our challenges.

Whatever the weather in your life currently remember the sun is always shining behind those clouds.

Matariki - vision, intention and reflection

Matariki is a time of celebration, thinking about the year ahead and of course reflecting on what's past and celebrating the success.  It's important to have these check points and set our intentions to move forward.  This was traditionally a time the crops were harvested so another cause for celebration.  I often think of my work as planting seeds and watching them grow so reflecting on this feels like a harvest sometimes.  What seeds have you planted and how are they growing?

This is my vision board, it sits on my desk.  It’s something I see daily and tend to redo every year or so.  It’s a combination of my personal goals and dreams and business aspirations.  One of the things I’ve recently achieved has been in the making for many years now and featured on 3 vision boards including this one!
 
I’m excited to be working through the TEDx coaching programme in preparation for speaking at TEDx Ruakura in September in Hamilton.  TEDx has become a speakers holy grail.  For me it’s a chance to hone my skills, rehearse my keynote and benefit from some coaching and learning that prepares me to take the stages.
 
I often get asked about my speaking business and TEDx is one of most speakers goals but so often when I have this conversation people will say ‘I’d love to do a TED talk’ and it's a question i've asked of others - how did you do it?  It sounds silly but one of the obvious things is applying - it's like wanting to win lotto but never having bought a ticket.  We have to be in the game to win it and then we have to be consistent and keep trying, even when we fail.
 
I started applying for TEDx about 3 years ago, it was a small step towards achieving this goal.  I got knocked a few times or just simply didn't hear anything.  I’d seek feedback, readjust my pitch, try again.  Each year until the answer was yes.  I often talk about this concept of getting outside our comfort zone, failing and learning what we need to know to try again.  If I’d have stopped after the first unsuccessful application and though ‘well I tried, they said no, clearly it’s not meant to be’ I’d never be preparing to take the stage now.  Those red letters would adorn my vision board yet I’d be no closer to realising the dream.
 
So what’s on your vision board?  Where is it?  - can you see it and is it what you aspire to in your daily actions?  Are you taking small steps towards those dreams, are you giving yourself every chance to succeed?  It’s no good having these goals and dreams if we’re not making a plan towards achieving them and taking the small steps and action required to bring it off the page and into reality.  It’s like hoping to win lotto without buying a ticket.

green shoots and new growth

It always amazes me that these beautiful flourishing plants can be reduced to twigs and still bounce back and regrow.  This pot in summer was full of beautiful blooming hydrangeas and during winter was reduced to dead wood – or so it seemed.  I’m not much of a gardener, you can probably tell!  It’s more my partners domain, she loves it and is very good at it.

When I see the beautiful hydrangeas flourishing in summer and the result of their ‘winter trim’ I can’t help thinking they might have been accidentally killed off.  But sure enough in a few weeks those twigs begin to spring back into life, new shoots appear and grow begins again until they’re once again blooming come summer.

It’s a bit like life.  It’s sometimes when we’re cut right back that we can renew and grow again.  Sometimes we have to wipe the slate clean and lose the dead wood – the bits that no longer serves us to gain those new shoots and regrow.  Whether it’s a new job, a new relationship or letting go of emotional baggage, limiting beliefs.  This time of year is ideal, just like the plants to consider what we need to let go of and cut back to allow those new shoots to spout and regrowth to happen.

If you feel like those dead branches, don’t worry, green shoots may be about to appear.  But only if you feed, water and nurture the plant so check you’re doing that for yourself too and new shoots will grow.

Arohanui Jess

Join me on retreat as we explore new shoots and grow in a restorative nurturing environment

The invisible load at home

Last week I had to go and get my smear test done, it’s one of those tasks that’s necessary but never really looked forward to – or is it?  The nurse shared with me that post lock down women had been saying ‘it’s nice to come here and have an excuse to lay down for a few minutes’ – even a smear test had become a luxury and time away from the demands of family life! 

The UN tell us that globally women are still doing three times more unpaid care work than men and we know from lock down the biggest burden was on working women.  Research from the University of Cambridge in the UK show mothers during lockdown, whether working or not, took on 30 per cent more of the homeschooling duties than fathers, and up to 50 per cent more childcare duties. The gender divide was higher for high-income households, where women were spending seven hours a day on schooling and childcare, and men 4.5 hours.

I work with many intelligent working women with kids; lawyers, doctors, CEOs and whilst we mostly talk about work they’ll all admit to being exhausted and tired.  Most of them have a mountain of work to do at home and when I ask about support from a partner they say ‘it’s not really his thing’, ‘he’s so tired when he comes home from work he just sits in front of the TV’ ‘he goes to the gym after work’ or any number of other excuses as to why they’re doing the majority of the work at home on top of their day jobs – no wonder they’re tired and burnt out.

This has to change and we have to be the ones to change it.  There’s so much baggage and history that provides a barrier to this though – our roles as ‘good’ wives, what our mothers (or mother in laws) did and therefore the example that’s been set.  The need to keep all the balls in the air and be seen to be coping as well as the fear that if we ask for support we’re admitting defeat or saying we can’t cope or get accused of ‘nagging’.

It’s costing us our health and our relationships with our families, not to mention the knock on effect in our careers etc.  There are many reasons why we don’t ask for help at home.  But I don’t believe it’s asking for help because that implies it’s our job.  I’m in a same sex relationship so it’s not about gender roles, we both live in the house so we’re both responsible for the work that involves – this should be the case regardless of gender.

It frustrates me to hear these clever, busy, career women taking on more than their fair share and wonder why they can’t juggle it all perfectly.  It’s like trying to do 40 hours of work in a 24 hour day – we’re setting ourselves up to fail.  We’ve also created a society in which men are praised for doing their fair share – further evidencing this feeling that it’s actually a woman’s role.

Our time is just as valuable (if not more so given the amount we actually get done in that time).  There are apps that can help and some women use spreadsheets of job distribution – what needs doing around the house and for the kids, who wants to do what and what can we outsource.  Right from washing, cleaning, school drops offs, feeding the cat, booking the social engagements and buying family birthday cards.  At the very least he’ll realise just how much of the invisible load you’re carrying, hopefully it’s also a catalyst to talk about how you may share that load better.

Most often they’ll not do anything until asked and will assume if you don’t ask you don’t need help (or in many cases are completely oblivious to what’s actually going on at all) – the magic wardrobe that just keeps refilling with clean clothes. 

If we’re to achieve our potential as woman and live and healthy happy life where we can be our best both as partner, parent and person as well as in our career this is a major factor.  Most of us know from experience we can’t do much when we’re exhausted all the time and on the edge of burn out.  We need support, we need time for us and we need to not feel guilty about it.

So have the conversation, ask for help, either from your partner, the kids (if they’re old enough) or family.  And let’s get this straight, this is about the household taking responsibility for the household needs not you asking for help with ‘your’ workload. 

“I’ve got the washing in for you”

“Oh, were your clothes not out on the line too???”

It should be a shared workload if it’s a shared house.  Think about flat sharing – you wouldn’t have done all of the cleaning and cooking for your flat mates whilst also paying the same rent so why do it for your family, especially if its at the expense of your wellbeing. 

It might just be the pick ups or taking the kids so you can go to the gym.  It might be that you delegate the cleaning or gardening and pay someone else.  Sit down with your family armed with a list of everything that needs doing and work out who’s going to do what. 

It’s better for you, it’s better for your family and it’s only fair.  Especially if you’re working full time.  Value yourself, value your time.  The collective success of our families depend on the health and happiness of all those members within the family, like the tribes we used to coexist in – we shared the load.

Find out more in my latest book the Superwoman Survival Guide available now

Lessons from lock down

With family overseas still in the midst of the Covid battle I keep forgetting, moving freely around New Zealand, how lucky we are and just how we’ll we’ve done. But before Covid-19 becomes a distant memory for us let’s reflect on what we’ve learned and make use of this experience for our greater good.

I read a post a few weeks ago saying of you’re not panicking about this there’s something wrong with you, you’re not normal. I paused to consider this, was I missing something? 

I was seemingly breezing through lock down.  I feared as an introvert lock down would suit me well and maybe I’d suffer this end – reintegration and reverse culture shock – but no. It’s been nice mixing with people I missed, getting out and about, not having to queue at the supermarket and going for dinner and weekends away again.

It’s not that I’ve been unaffected by covid-19, although I acknowledge I’m in a position of privilege. With my closest family overseas in covid ravaged countries there’s worry and concern about the separation. I know people who’ve lost loved ones overseas and not been there for funerals – and this is a very real prospect. I saw half of my business disappear overnight when conferences and events ground to a halt and a book launch with no books midway through lockdown, a looming wedding that none of my family may be able to attend. Plus the challenge we’ve all had of coping with being on house arrest for a month! 

I don’t share my experience to revel in my seemingly perfect life – it’s not – it’s a human life like everyone else but I tell you this because despite that I’ve remained calm, happy and content so as I reflect on the reasons why I want to share those lessons. 

We never know what’s around the corner yet we all want to have control over life. We want things to be a certain way, to turn out how we planned. And of course it’s life so inevitably it doesn’t. We have a tendency to chase after the good stuff and hope it never goes away and yet avoid the challenges in life or numb out our pain. It’s a normal part of the human condition but also the root cause of much of our suffering. Something I learned from studying Buddhism with monks and nuns across the globe. The art of acceptance. Instead of trying to change it accept what you can’t change. Like lock down, like being separated from loved ones overseas, like losing half your business overnight.

Having said that though, a massive part of being resilient is to take positive action to solve problems and change what you CAN. The things we have control over is where we must focus our attention and take action. Checking in on family more often despite not being with them, pivoting the business and making the best of lockdown to stay healthy and well.

Mind-set is such a massive part of this – it’s less about what happens to us and more about how we react to it. The things that have made the biggest difference to me in this space have been controlling my device time. A lack of technology and scrolling, filtering negative news and people positively impacts our state of mind.

Meditation is something I’ve done daily for a decade and I attribute as the single biggest reason I’m so calm and content, it allows me space, processing time and perspective. There are a hundred different ways to meditate, it’s not all about oms and incense so find what works for you and make space in your life for space. The impacts on our mental health of something seemingly so simple can not be underestimated.

Exercise – I saw so many people walking and cycling during lockdown which was great – I guess there was nothing else to do and it was the only way to get the kids out of the house. That seems to have disappeared in our return to normal now. Did you gain exercise or lose it during lock down and how can you ensure you continue getting out in nature, spending time with family and getting enough exercise?

I also noticed things I didn’t miss that seemingly because I didn’t miss them I now know I can go without – shopping and buying new stuff for example. Commuting into the city everyday because much of the work can be done from home. 

It’s also been key to note who’s enjoyed their bubble and why. The people you surround yourself with is so key but never more so than in lock down. These are the people that influence our thoughts and energy (either positively or negatively) and also those we gain support from.

The other lesson I saw from lock down was our attachment to busyness. Being forced to slow down and not have to be everywhere doing everything was a glimpse at a new normal. So do we have to fill the diary with things to do to make the most of life and social time out of work – classes, drinks, events etc. Do the kids have to do an activity after school everyday or be in all the sports teams at the weekend? Where can we find more balance in this space?

All this is critical to our mental state, building our resilience and how we handle tough times. We don’t know when the next pandemic may come and of course it may not take the form of a pandemic – earthquakes, terrorism, health issues. We never know what’s around the corner and much of what comes our way on a global scale we’ll not have control of. The only thing we can control is how we show up, the way we invest in our own health to tackle it and how we chose to react to it. This is key to staying well in the face of life’s challenges be it personal or global.

We've also seen a new kind of leader celebrated as part of the global pandemic.  A leader who favours collaboration, empathy and kindness.  A team of 5 million that protect each other and make individual sacrifices for the good of all.  Not only has this impacted the example we set our children, how we live together in Aotearoa but has also lead to the rest of the world taking notice, recognising the success this example has demonstrated.  This I believe could lead to the biggest impact on our new normal.

So what did you learn from lockdown and how does it change life going forward? Use these experiences to define your new normal rather than rushing back to all the things that made life difficult in the first place.

Want to chat about defining your new normal? Book a free 20 minute consultation call to find out more.

The secret behind surviving as superwoman

As I took this photo below of my third book hitting my bookshelf I had to remind myself to celebrate the success. I'm very good at moving onto the next thing and in this case it's the next book - the one i haven't written yet not the three I have - it might resonate with some of you!

So on the subject of the third book here's a bit of background about The Superwoman Survival Guide from a recent interview I did.

Tell us a little about The Super Woman Survival Guide.

This book is not about changing who you are it’s about changing the way you think about who you are. Freeing yourself from the pursuit of a superwoman ideal that’s unrealistic and is making so many of us unhappy.  So many of us these days admit to feeling overworked, overwhelmed and over scheduled juggling families, career, friends.  We go through life trying to support everyone else and then when we burn out we feel guilty for letting people down.

This book helps you understand that you don’t have to be perfect to be amazing, as I teach you to master the art of self-belief and minimise the negative self-talk that’s holding you back.  Understand your superpowers and how to use them.  Overcome self-doubt and gain the confidence to succeed, as you are.

What inspired you to write this book?

I meet many amazing women in my work, women who are high achievers and making a difference in the world yet most of them think they’re nothing special.  They focus on their weaknesses not their strengths and feel like they’re falling short of this high expectations society (and ourselves) place on us.  We feel overwhelmed and overscheduled, last on our own list and then when we burn out we feel guilty for letting people down.  I wanted to tackle that subject and help women see there’s another way.  To be first on your list and be your best but without burning out in the process.

What research was involved?

I’ve worked with women for over a decade and having spent the last 3 years teaching women to overcome self-doubt and imposter syndrome there were a lot of reoccurring themes around the superwoman complex and juggle we struggle with.  The research I undertook with NZ women asked questions like what’s our biggest challenge, what do we admire in others and what are our super powers.

Words like resilience, calm, empathy and kindness came back as things we admire in ourselves and others along with confidence and optimism.  Our biggest challenge by far was motherhood, followed by the juggle (which I guess is the same thing just with the addition of kids or not!)

What was your routine or process when writing this book?

Little and often.  Writing a bit here and there and blocking time out of my diary to make it happen.  There was quite a bit of procrastination thrown in too!  Some days when I wasn’t at my most eloquent I just had to sit and write knowing I’d need to edit a lot of it on round two!

What do you hope readers will take away from reading The Super Woman Survival Guide?

That our quest for perfection is often our undoing – it doesn’t have to be perfect to be amazing.  That we can be amazing as we are.  Putting you first isn’t selfish – it’s necessary to give you the energy to show up and help others.

That we need to focus more on our strengths and celebrate our successes.

What did you enjoy the most about writing guide?

How many women it resonated with, the reoccurring themes we struggle with and the response to the research and questions to test some of the theories I’d collected.

What did you do to celebrate finishing this book?

Started planning the next one – then I had to stop myself and remind myself what I teach others.  Pause, reflect, take a moment and celebrate before rushing onto the next thing.  It’s photo is in my success folder now and I lined it up on my bookshelf along with my other books and took a photo!

What’s next on the agenda for you?

Writing book number 4, running my weekend retreat later this year and connecting with more great women to help them see their potential.

You can get your copy of The Superwoman Survival Guide here

Your job as a leader isn’t to know everything or do everything

There’s been a reoccurring theme on my Imposter Syndrome workshops, Women in Leadership Programmes and Coaching sessions. High performing women who are finding their feet in their roles yet feel they need to be more in order to ‘be good enough’ or fully capable of the role.

They’ll say to me I need to know more about x, or I’m not sure I have enough experience in y, I should be doing more of z. I haven’t got a tech or finance back ground and now I’m leading those types I feel out of my depth and I worry I’m not up to the job if I don’t know this stuff. Should I retrain?

It might have been something you’ve said to yourself, especially when new in role. Here’s my response.

Leadership is not about knowing it all or doing it all it’s about the team you surround yourself with to complement your skill set, delegating and tapping into the skills and expertise of others. 

Look at Jacinda Ardern, a fine local example of great leadership currently! When she came to power many cited her lack of business and finance background as an area for concern. I don’t think she had much of a health background either! Look at how the world are discussing her leadership example now and the team she’s fronted this global pandemic with. The expertise she’s tapped into through the likes of Grant Robinson and Ashley Bloomfield who front the media when it’s their skill set required.

Jacinda also talks a lot about the team of 5 million. Leading from the front but empowering everyone to be part of the solution and bringing us all along on that journey. When we involve others and empower them to be part of the solution we find they’re doing the work alongside the leader not just ‘for the leader’ as a more instructive/command model would promote. It promotes an environment of ‘we’re all in this together let’s support each other’.

Leaders like our own PM embody this, she also talks about kindness, calm and trust more often than we’re used to hearing from leaders. Again this is something that comes up a lot on my programmes and coaching sessions – emotional intelligence and how we leverage this skill in our leadership roles.

Often we worry, as women that these skills may make us seem weak or too soft. Yet leadership examples like Jacinda Ardern are showing the strength in EQ and kindness. When we have trust we build great relationships and when we do that we are able to influence people, ask tough questions and they are more likely to chose to follow us, go the extra mile, give their skills and experience to the greater cause.

As a leader I’ll ask your opinion, I’ll defer to you when you know more than me and I’ll trust your advice, that’s why you’re in my team because health/finance etc is not my strength – we can’t be good at everything and are not supposed to know all the answers.

Your job as a leader isn’t to know everything or be able to do everything but to surround yourself with those who can and lead together. When we leverage our collective skills we all succeed.

For more check out my Women in Leadership programmes and coaching sessions.

When nothing is actually everything

It’s not often I post pictures of me in my PJs but this image captures something important.  Taken with my partner during lockdown week 6 on the eve of our new floors getting installed (now we’re in level 3). 

Even though we love each other and have faired well in lock down by week 6 we were tired and the expected consequences of spending 24 hours a day together for 6 weeks had started to show.  Sharper tones, less tolerance, a need for space.  Busy with work commitments, reorganising life post lock down and shifting furniture into the garage had left us further weary.
 
We were not dressed for dinner, preferring the comfy pants lock down has allowed.  No make up or polish – we were there as we are, simple, just us.  I was weary my PJs which to be fair have become my lock down uniform, especially at the weekends!
 
We sat on the floor eating our Sunday roast chicken dinner sharing a wine, chatting and reconnecting.  I looked around me and there was nothing.  No home comforts, no furniture, no possessions no things.  The room was empty, sparse and yet an odd realisation dawned.
 
Sat in this room with nothing I had in fact got everything.  Good food, good company, my loved ones (the dog was also sat with us).  These are the things that matter and in a room full of nothing we can still have everything we need.

There’s plenty we’ve missed and had to go without, adjusting our life during lock down but with this has come perspective about what matters. The busyness lives we had, the many things we needed to have and do. Lock down has given us many lessons and along with them a perspective on what we really need to survive, the things that matter most to us and an opportunity to keep this front of mind as we return to a new normal.
 
Lockdown and this global pandemic has given us perspective on some of this as we were forced to alter our daily life dramatically.  This kind of perspective often gives insight into what really matters and all that we’re lucky to have.

The week that could have been

This week is the week of my book launch. It looks very different to how I planned though. Pre Covid-19 lockdown I was due to fly to Auckland today, tomorrow I was due to line up alongside Mike King and other celebs speaking at a conference of 300 followed by a champagne evening in Ponsonby to launch the book. The following day was a leadership conference speaking engagement before a TV interview with TV3 on Thursday morning. After which I was due to fly back to Wellington to repeat the champagne launch that night in my home city.

It might have been one of those career defining weeks and then Covid-19 happened. We all know plans have changed over the last few weeks and with this has come challenges for us all as we grapple with the uncertainty and a massive change to our usual routines.

Following the global pandemic many media bookings disappeared overnight, along with all the live speaking gigs booked.  The print factory went into lock down so despite being a month early on my deadline I'm still a week behind on getting copies delivered to those who've ordered.

So now I prepare for an online line book launch (with no books ironically) and a home haircut (which didn’t go as well as I planned)!

I could complain about the media disruption to my launch or cancelled speaking gigs, lost business and major inconvenience but it seems like a first world problem. After all I don’t have Covid-19, nor do any of my friends and family. This bump in the road is just that and it happens. In both business and in life. Learning to go with the flow and adapt is key to our resilience. Seeing each challenge as an opportunity rather than an inconvenience has shifted my mind-set in this space. There is always an opportunity and from our challenges we’re forced to think differently to adapt and grow.

The week that could have been though can be again - maybe it'll look differently, maybe it was always supposed to? If we have confidence in our skills and are grounded in our purpose the way it unfolds is sometimes out of our hands. Sometimes there's no right or wrong path just the path as it unfolds.

In hindsight it was a massive week – I’d have been exhausted by Friday but the point is much of this is out of my control and worrying about it will also exhaust me. Things change, plans don’t turn out. I’m certainly going to be much more relaxed now and my book still gets to launch!

I’ve also found I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. Lessons about going with the flow, accepting what is. Dealing with uncertainty and making the best of what comes within the hand we’re dealt – like lock down for example.

It’s another lesson for me in seeing the positive and looking for solutions. Yes it’s not ideal, yes I had other plans but that’s how it is – this is what is and I’m still very lucky to do what I do and have what I have.

So today I find myself in a different week that was ready to launch my third book and being grateful for what I can do even if it’s not exactly what I planned.

How can we use our Covid moments to define our new normal?

We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, an end in sight perhaps? So now we’ve adjusted to lockdown and got used to its ups and downs we’re busy thinking about what we’ll do when we ‘get out’. We talk about when all this is over, when we go back to normal.

But will we go back to normal, will we want to? What does normal even look like?

As we reflect on what we’ve learned what do we want to take forward into our post lock down life, what will be different? Do the kids need to have social activities to go to every evening? Do we need to get up at 6 am to commute to the office every day? Have we enjoyed having dinner as a family? What new routines have we adapted to and what have we missed?

Sometimes the downtime and perspective this kind of major event gives us means there’s a new normal waiting on the other side. We might have considered some bigger questions about life during this time:

·       Do you like your bubble?

·       Do you want to go back to your office?

·       What bits of life did you miss?

·       Which bits do you know realise didn’t matter as much as you thought?

·       Who supported you, who didn’t you hear from?

It won’t just be life that changes, the economy, the way we travel, the way we gather in public and the jobs we’ll be doing may all change too in this new normal post lockdown. So many things to consider and over the last few weeks potentially the time and space to get some perspective on what really matters.

We might have noticed more gratitude for the things we have and reflected on what we’ve actually missed. Was it the shopping and meals out or seeing family and friends for example.

I’ve noticed as a nomad always planning the next trip and wanting to explore beyond my own back yard more about the space I call home, there’s less need in me to do more, go further, be somewhere other than where I am and I’ve found gratitude for the things I surround myself with at home.

But back to those bigger questions and realisations. When we go back ‘to normal’ or come out of the other side of this what do we want life to look like and what will we have learned?

For me there’s not much I’d change but that’s because I had my own Coiv19 type lockdown about 5 years ago from which everything changed. Let me tell you about that as many of you will be getting that opportunity now and potentially feeling the way I did then. This is a chance to get that perspective and look back in a few years time from a place you’d rather be.

I’d burnt out from a busy corporate career but at the same time trying to live a life I wasn’t aligned to. Mentally exhausted at age 30 my physical breakdown and the need to lock down came in the form of a ruptured cruciate ligament at a step class at the gym after work on my 31st birthday. This left me housebound and on the sofa and off work with more time to think than I’d had in years. The truth was during that time when I was forced to stop, be home, let go of busy and think I discovered:

·       I was making a living not a life

·       I didn’t belong in the bubble I found myself

·       My job was sucking the life out of me

·       I had no energy to do the things I really wanted

·       My priorities seemed way of balance

·       I wanted life to be different but at the same time realised I didn’t really know who I was and what I wanted

This lead to me considering what I wanted from life, what was important and what really mattered. What did I want my bubble to look like, what job would align to my values and passions and how would I be remembered once I’d gone (to clarify - the surgery wasn’t that serious that I had to contemplate death)!

So I gave it all up and started again. I wanted to rebuild a life around my passions and to find out if plan A wasn’t the answer, this dream of success, what was? I walked away from my long-term relationship, gave up my career in the corporate world and decided on a change of direction to follow my passion in writing and personal development.

I spent a year writing my first book and doing other things that made my heart sing, including visiting Bhutan, the country that operates gross national happiness (GNH) in place of gross domestic product (GDP). I taught English to Buddhist monks in Thailand, lived in ashrams and mindfulness centre across the globe, spent three years studying Buddhism and qualified as a life coach and a yoga teacher. I discovered myself, I came out and now five years down the track find myself running my own business, speaking on stage in front of huge crowds, the author of three books and about to get married.

This enforced lockdown was a catalyst to figure out life, get clear on what I wanted and then make it happen which has been my mission during the years since and subject of my books. It’s a long journey but it starts with stepping back, taking perspective and making the most of our covid19 moments.

If you’d like help making sense of your coiv19 moment and what the new normal looks like in your life going forward get in touch for coaching sessions

Lockdown for high achievers, productivity guilt & mental adjustment

How’s your lockdown going? I must admit to getting very excited about our trip out to the Supermarket today. It’s been over a week since I got in the car and I even got dressed up – as in I put shoes on and changed out of my hoodie 😊

It’s been interesting hearing everyone’s experiences and whilst we’re united by lockdown we can be feeling anything from isolation to overcrowding depending on our bubble. I’ve witnessed people enjoying the time to slow down and be with family right through to those in a mad panic to get out there. Get stuff done and be even more productive during this ‘down time’.

It leads me to my point for today. During the Imposter Syndrome work I do we talk a lot about perfectionists and high achievers as there’s a particular risk for that group in our new normal.

If you’re working from home now and it’s something new there’s a tendency to want to get it perfect. To be extra productive, to be a great family leader in these uncertain times, to be the best teacher your home schooled kids could have wished for and stay healthy and well despite the challenges this way of life presents.

Many people are reporting feeling tired and having off days. This is a pretty big event the world is having right now and these are strange times so it’s normal we may have off days, we might feel tired and our motivation might struggle. Instead of beating ourselves up about this allowing this to be and knowing that in our current circumstances it’s perfectly normal. It takes some mental adjustment events of this scale so go easy on yourself.

We also might find we’re not as able to achieve or ‘prove ourselves’ like we can in the workplace. It’s harder to deliver in these times and a lot of firefighting might be happening in your day to day role. We’re also in an unfamiliar environment if we’re not used to working from home without the collaboration with team members in the office.

This can drive this need to do more. The work and home lines are blurred now too so it’s easy to find ourselves working beyond 5pm and logging on at night, home and work are now the same place.

All of this can lead to productivity guilt. Often brought about by everyone else posting about how much they’re doing and how productive they are at home. We can feel guilt if we’re working all day and the kids feel abandoned. Or guilty if we stopped work at 3 to occupy the kids. Guilty that we’re not training for a marathon with our spare time or doing personal development webinars or baking bread.

So here are a few top tips to offer in this space.

·       Set good boundaries for yourself and your own energy

·       Set your work hours and stick to them (be flexible in how you do that, it doesn’t have to be 9-5 if that’s not going to work for you from home)

·       Have a separate space at home that you use as your office

·       Use this time at home wisely – rest, connect with family

·       Put family first

·       Give yourself a break – go easy on yourself and expect off days, we’re human

·       Drop the ‘shoulds’ (increasing the amount on your to do list)

·       It’s a marathon not a sprint

Get more support top tips from the blog and the Covid19 support page on the website

Tapping into the retreat within & brand new webinars

Today I’m talking about retreats because I was supposed to be running one this weekend (it’s now moved to September) and because being in isolation has been like a forced retreat in many ways.  I’ve certainly been doing lots more yoga and meditation and staying home relaxing because, well, there’s little other choice at the moment!
 
If you’re a parent of young kids though and your partner is an essential worker and you’re busy trying to work from home it may well be the opposite and you’re longing to go on retreat!
 
Either way retreats are todays subject because what I’ve found over the years (and going on many retreats across the world) is the feeling of rejuvenation, perspective and realignment retreats often bring.  A feeling many of us could do with right now.
 
In our current climate we may not be able to ‘go’ on any retreats but what I’ve noticed over the years is this ability to cultivate a retreat within.  It’s a place inside yourself where you can go when times get tough, when you need a break, to recentre, to gain perspective.  It's a place that always bring calm and peace.
 
After years of practice I carry that place within my all the time and it’s the place I go when I need to feel all of the things going on a retreat gives us.
 
It’s something not all of you may know.  If you’ve started following me in the last couple of years off the back of Imposter Syndrome fame you may not realise that six years ago my first book (which incidentally comes out as a revised second edition later this year) and much of my workshops and teaching centred around mindfulness, resilience and happiness.
 
When I left the corporate world I initially trained to be a yoga teacher but rather than the physical asana practice mindfulness and meditation became my passion, the subject of my first book and a subject I’ve taught around the world.

With a decade of study across the globe including countries like The Kingdom of Bhutan, Bali and Thailand I’ve studied with experts across the globe.  Completing residential training in Plum Village, France with Thich Nhat Hanh, teaching English to Buddhist monks in northern Thailand and a decade of training in New Zealand alongside my teacher Gen Kelsang Demo. 

Having lived in Ashrams across the world, built a daily practice of my own and undertaken regular silent retreats I have a unique combination of eastern teachings, lived experience and an ability to translate this to apply to our western busy lives.
 
It's something I’m going to be doing a lot more of, not just because revising a second edition book has reignited my passion in this space but because it’s what we need most right now in the world.
 
As humans we’re very good at wanting to be anywhere other than where we are.  Especially when we’re technically on house arrest!  What we often overlook is that that place exists within us and is accessible anytime we just need to cultivate it.
 
Getting still, finding your centre and being with the breath in the moment.  That’s all it takes (and a lot of practice).  We all have it, we’ve just forgotten it amid the busyness of life.
 
Is the one reason I can stay calm in the face of chaos, remain optimistic about the future and has helped me overcome the tough times along the way.  It helps us find inner peace and contentment regardless of our external circumstances because sometimes, like now, they’re out of our control and not what we’d choose!
 
It’s time like this when we need that place the most so join me as I help you uncover your retreat within, stay calm amid the chaos and experience inner peace.

It's the subject of a few webinars I'm running over the next month.  In fact a new schedule has just been realised and all places are available with a 50% discount to reflect the current times and additional support that may be required.  View the events page for details and to get your spot.

Embracing slowing down and other isolation impacts

At the end of week one in isolation I reflect on the new things we’ve learned.  It’s different for us all and that largely depends on our bubble and where we find ourselves isolated.  I’m very fortunate and recognise my privilege in that space to be in a loving home with people I love hanging out with a the means for life to continue and be less challenging than for some.

I’ve continued daily walks with my dog, am doing far more yoga than when I used to have to go to a studio hence the online accessibility of my classes now and have found myself having zoom drinks with friends over the weekend (and enjoying not having to get changed and still being home by 10pm).

It certainly is a new normal but I also believe a massive opportunity.  Not withstanding the obviously facts that we're in a global pandemic, people are losing loved ones and not everyone thrives in this kind of lockdown.  However, as an optimist I'm always drawn to look on the bright side.

Over the weekend I witnessed many family walks, couples jogging and kids out on their bikes with parents. Everyone amusing themselves in their own bubbles.  It dawned on me that this is what we used to do before the days of cafes, malls and busyness – we went outside, we spent time together, we connected.

Life has slowed down all of a sudden and whilst it might not be by choice it is what we’ve all been secretly wanting amid the stress and busyness that plagued our life up to now.

So what will change and what can we learn?  Already at week one we’re seeing the initial panic wear off, an adjustment, embracing uncertainty and the positives that emerge – the impact on climate change for example.

We’re also seeing an increased connection, people reaching out to neighbours, helping family and spending more time together (within the bubble of course).  We actively seek connection when that is cut off so another benefit of covid isolation has been compassion, virtual connections and check ins, people reaching out to ‘connect’ with other humans.  We share meals together, we cook together and there’s no rush to head out of the door.

For once we’ve not so over scheduled with work meetings all over the country and social activities and classes to get to each evening.  I love my home office, my comfy pants, morning tea in the garden and I’ve also started an office romance……. with my wife.

It’s uncomfortable to embrace stillness and silence when we’re used to noise and busyness, it can be uncomfortable to embrace down time when we’re used to being conditioned to be busy and productive.  It can lead us looking to fill the void, to keep busy doing, even within the confines of our new normal – getting virtually busy.

I sat and read books this weekend and had afternoon naps.  On occasions I felt guilty but then remembered I’m not allowed to do anything else.  Initially I looked to fill the gaps, webinars, zoom meetings – productivity and then I realised the benefits embracing this down time could give me.

It’s a time to embrace the lack of commute, the increased family connection, the daily routine of exercise and being out in nature (even if it is just to amuse the kids) and re assess how we live and what’s really important to us.

It may be true that less is more. I’m wearing far less of my wardrobe but I’ve never been comfier – there’s less washing too.  I’m not spending as much because I don’t need as much.  I’m creating new meals based on what’s in the fridge to avoid supermarket shopping (and because there’s no take aways) and I get home approximately 3 seconds after my work day ends!

For the first time we have the permission to stay home, relax, slow down.  Let’s embrace it and make the most of it not look for things to fill the ‘void’.  What we see as the void is in fact our body and mind being given space to rest, time to think and most importantly time to just be.  Make the most of it 😊

Life is just postponed, not cancelled

Today I announced my online resilience course has been made free to everyone for the next month – now we need it more than ever.

I also reflected on the postponement of life, not cancellation.  Like many I've been postponing events, flights and holiday plans lately.  I've watched as business disappeared overnight, like many.  But there's one important distinction I need to make - most have been postponed not cancelled, including my holidays, flights and events.

Much like life at the moment - it seems to have been postponed - but it isn't cancelled.  Life looks very different at the moment for many of us across the world but it's not forever.  Whilst it feels like life is on hold, like my flights and my events and many of your plans they are not cancelled - just postponed.  Normal life has been postponed but will resume - let's remember that amid this uncertainty.

In these trying times it’s never more true that we don’t always control what happens to us but we do control how we react to it. Here are some useful links and top tips based on the majority of feedback I’ve been hearing over the last week and hopefully ways we can help with the common problems we’re experiencing right now.

Be kind – to yourself and others.  Look after yourself and others, these times will have impacts on us and the mental health foundation have this advice on protecting our mental and physical health.

Self-care is important, keep it up.  Isolated walks are fine, getting out in your garden is fine. 
Can’t go to the gym – free workout apps give you the gym at home

Social connection is important (and can be arranged virtually), use zoom, skype, facetime and telephone

I’ve just sent all my over 70 relatives in England food hampers as care packages due to their isolation – all from my sofa in NZ and our own quarantine plans!  I’m offering care packages across NZ too if you’d like to send them to any of your loved ones in isolation click here

Be patient – we’re going to be spending more time in each others pockets if we’re isolated at home as a family, designate your office space, designate a quiet space where family members can be alone

Struggling to adapt to working from home – take a look at these tips

Worried about money?  Check out the government subsidy and get your application in

Not used to uncertainty – adapting is how we survive as a species, treat it as a learning opportunity.

Feeling panicked – sit and listen to one of the free meditations from the insight timer app.

Feeling helpless – reach out to a neighbour by phone to see if they need anything.

Feel like it’s all doom and gloom – disconnect from the media, practice gratitude and
reflect on all we’re lucky to have.

Feeling fear and wanting to panic buy at the supermarket?  Remember it’s not a supply problem so don’t be the demand problem, there’s enough loo roll to go around.  Consider others

Arm yourself with the facts and keep an eye on advice from our government here

Feel like you’re loosing the big picture – get out in nature, looks at the stars, sit under a tree (alone), feel the sun on your face.  It puts things into perspective.

Most importantly kia kaha, and look after each other this will pass.

All this information and much more available on my Covid19 support page

Self-care in uncertain times - free care packages :-)

It seems we’re all adjusting to a new way of working as more of us work from home and consider social distancing.  As a writer and an introvert self isolation is pretty much my BAU but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea I know!

I’ve been reflecting on the impacts and whilst some are negative there may also be some positives to come out of this.  You know i’m always one for making the best of the hand we’ve been dealt.
 
We’re seeing support for our community, embracing technology, adapting to uncertainty as well as a hightened sense of compassion for others.  There are also some benefits for climate change as unintended but welcome consequences across the globe with a reduction in pollution due to our low public profile.
 
This amidst the fear mongering from the media, scarity mind-sets and some very real impacts on businesses and people’s incomes.
 
So in light of the good and the bad how to we make the best of what is and look on the brightside of covid 19.
 
The fact we’re spending more time at home suddenly means we’ve got more time to be with family but also at the risk of getting bored, suffering cabin fever.  One of the things i think this may help though is our busyness.  If we don’t have to be in the office for 8:30am everyday or take time travelling to meetings which we now do from our sofa imagine the extra time we’ll have.  It’s got me thinking, all of the things we currently say we’ve no time for may just be allowed to become part of our routines now??
 
If we’re stuck at home bored, we’ve time to read books, time to start a gratitude practice and time to meditate.  The laundry pile won’t have to wait until the weekend!
 
Can’t get to yoga or the gym?  Try online classes and at home workouts, there’s lots of apps out there to support this.  Go for a walk at lunchtime, cook nutritious meals, sit down and do vision boards with your family.  Staying home means less spending which in light of economic impacts could also mean more savings for the rainy days that may follow!
 
For me personally as a professional speaker I found that all my keynotes, conference and events i’ve been booked for over the next three months have disappeared overnight and with it my income.  It’s time to think outside the box, embrace the virtual world and implement contingency planning.
 
On that note you’ll be seeing an opportunity to attend some of my workshops via zoom over the next few weeks as well as coaching via video and a special across all of my online courses.
 
For now anyone who orders a copy of Like A Girl over the next 2 weeks you'll also get a free mini care package included – this includes sweet treats, beauty products and a signed photo click here to order your copy with bonus care package all for just $30.
 
We’ve also got a deluxe care package available if you’ve got anyone in self isolation and you’d like to send them your thoughts this package includes all of the above along with a locally handmade scented candle, a gratitude journal and an online course of your choice – all for just $99.  Click here to order

Social distancing, self-isolation, working from home (navigating times of change)

Given our current circumstances and impacts on the way we work, many if us are considering how we may adapt.  It’s a useful exercise, not just for current climate but future ways in which our world changes.

As New Zealand closes its borders and advice filters across organisations on new ways of working and contingency plans we’re forced to change our routines and get out of our comfort zones.  I’m inclined to agree with Jacinda Adern it’s better to do more than less, take a short term hit for long term protection.  It will have significant impacts though and forces us all to think differently, change our habits and routines and think outside the box.  Many of us will be uncomfortable with the change and if we’ve brought into the media hype and hysteria feeling the fear right now too.  We’ve seen this play out in our scarcity mindsets and public panic buying.

These are uncertain times but they can also be opportunities to consider a new future, prepare and adapt – this is unlikely to be the last pandemic we see.  Personally I think it’s a great time to trial working form home and see the impacts on productivity that may lead to more businesses embracing this new working style – albeit for the wrong reasons right now.

If you’d have mentioned working from home and self isolation to me when I was in the corporate world stuck in a noisy open plan office I’d have jumped at the chance.  The introvert in me celebrates and one of the things I’ve valued running my own business from home is the freedom to work in a way that works for me.  Many of my writer/freelancer friends agree this is much how we work already – business as usual.

Working from home, by yourself, for yourself – it’s pretty much self isolation but even for an introvert you can have too much of this. It looks like social distancing will become our new normal for a while, and maybe even self-isolation so as a social species how do we cope with this and avoid it negatively impacting.  I find if I’ve been at home too much and by myself too often it stifles my creativity and impacts my mood, not to mention our need for social connection (even introverts).

So I thought it timely to put together some top tips and advice for those not used to working from home or struggling to come to terms with social isolation as we implement our contingency plans and pandemic control measures with working from home schemes and travel restrictions in light of Covid 19.

Embrace technology, our chat bots, video conferencing platforms, intranets and emails.  Virtual events and summits have been in place long before the travel restrictions.

Make yourself a comfy place at home free from distractions, set up a home office space and stay in a routine like you would if you were going to the office.

It can take additional discipline to work from home and we’re all different in terms of what we prefer to make this conducive to productivity.  Play music, or not.  Sit on the couch, or not.  Go for a walk at lunch, or not.  Open a window, or not.  Find what works for you and enjoy the freedom of being able to do this rather than being stuck in an open plan office under UV lights with air con nobody ever seems to have control of.

Take regular breaks, enjoy having your own kitchen to hand for lunch – try and not raid the pantry every hour though or end up in the laundry room!

Break up the social isolation with music, calls to colleagues rather than emails and make sure you have everything you’ll need to hand.

More information and advice can be found on this free information guide

And of course don’t forget the wider advice given during this pandemic.

·       Don’t travel unless it’s essential - use technology for meetings and events where possible

·       Wash your hands

·       Arm yourself with the facts

·       Unplug from technology and media hype occasionally

·       Become comfortable with uncertainty and don’t panic

Remember our species has survived thus far because of cooperation and collaboration.  Be considerate, kind and look after each other and remember there’s enough toilet paper to go around!

For me personally I carry on as normal, steer clear of the media hysteria and arm myself with the facts.  After next weeks final workshop in Auckland I’ll not be arranging anymore public events until further notice.  However it’s probably a good time to mention that all my workshops already exist on line anyway.  If you’re spending too much time at home or would like to get to an event and can’t download the workshops online and study from your own place at your own pace.

happy birthday.....advice on age

Next week is my birthday and this combined with a recent interview for a podcast for midlifers has caused some reflections on my ageing – this is the first time I’ve considered I may be nearing the middle of my life and therefore perhaps half way to my death – what an inspiring thought! 

I’ve always felt young and never worried about my age, in fact I’ve always been young until recently!  However I’ve also been referred to a number of times as an old soul, wise beyond my years and my closest friends are all about a decade ahead of me. 

Maybe I am ageing, well obviously I’ve always been ageing since I was born but it’s becoming more apparent.  I find more hairs that should not be growing out of my chin than I ever used to, grey ones now grow out of my head and when I smile there’s a heap more lines appear around my eyes than I remember.  I’m pretty sure my joints weren’t this stiff before and finding the car keys used to be much easier.

Having said that when I go on meditation retreat sometimes I am the youngest person sat in a chair whilst nuns twice my age sit crossed legged on the floor for hours so maybe it’s not age in the way we think of it.  The number on our birth certificate or the candles on our cake but how we feel, how we live and the way we treat ourselves that determines our real age.

Despite the changes I’ve started to notice as I age there’s a flip side; I feel so much more settled in life, comfortable in my own skin and with who I am and much more wise than any previous younger versions of me have ever been.

We live in a society where we’ve been taught the younger we look the better that is, to conceal our wrinkles and colour our hair, even consider surgical intervention to slow the natural ageing process. 

In some culture the wisdom we acquire with age is what’s celebrated, it’s mark of respect not shame.  It means we’re growing into ourselves rather than growing out of our beauty, this is how I like to view it.

However, ageing can be a scary thought, if I am midlife it means I’ll only live until 74, this doesn’t seem old.  Not compared to the ages we are living to these days, particularly women. 

All the women in my family have outlived the men but whilst we’re living longer the quality of our life is deteriorating, especially those last 10-15 years.  It begs the questions if the quality is to deteriorate do I want to live longer? 

We also have a relativity when it comes to our own age.  I can have women of 33 telling me they think they’ve left it too late to have the career they dreamed of or a life they love whilst at the same workshop women of 60 are telling me about leaving their marriage of 20 years and setting up their own business. 

There are many more determining factors of our capability, wisdom and potential than the number of years we’ve been on the earth.   Our experiences, our community/support network, our upbringing, our mind-set and our resources to name a few.

This leads us to the realisation at some point we will all die and we don’t always get the choice or the forewarning.  It’s not the most joyful topic to consider and one we ignore until it slaps us in the face and we lose someone we love, who we’d hoped would be around forever.  Yet something that is unavoidable and so certain, everything is impermanent, including us.

But let’s take a less traumatic example first! I love summer and admit to getting a bit sad once winter descends. I find myself desperately grasping onto each sunny day and trying to make the most of it at this time of year, wishing the days were longer and warmer and wishing I’d made the most of the summer whilst it was here.

Crazy when we know summer and winter come and go each year as the seasons change. There’s some interesting parallels here on how we live life.

You see one thing we all know for sure is that we will die, there’s no greater certainty and we’ve no idea when really. Because of this it’s so important we live whilst we’re alive. Some of us might get it pointed out in advance if we’re sick or receive a terminal diagnosis but we’re all on the same conveyor belt whether we’re aware or not.

How can this help us though rather than send us into a state of panic or depression? We never think about death in our western world. We live like we’ll be around forever and then when it comes (as it always does) we’re completely unprepared, scared and desperately hanging on to life, wishing we’d
actually lived it – like me with summer!

Here’s the thing from a Buddhist perspective. If we consider that we will die one day (fact), it changes the way we live, it changes our perspective. If we thought we may die today our interactions become different with people, we do the things that matter, we treat each other with kindness and the little things stop bothering us.

For anyone who’s been close to death, lost someone dear or been in the midst of an earthquake or natural disaster this may have become clear. It doesn’t need to take those things for us to have the perspective and awareness and to live each day with meaning and appreciate more of what we have. 

The scary thing is each day we live is a day closer to our death.  Yet we live like we’ll be here forever. The Buddhist nun who taught me this likens it to staying in a posh hotel. We know we’re only there for short time, we make the most of the fine white sheets, the fluffy bath robe and free shampoos. We enjoy it, appreciate it but we don’t believe we’ll take any of it with us or cry when we leave because we knew right from the start that we’d be checking out.

When we think about our death we stop chasing after the things we can’t take with us – money, status, material possessions and we focus on the things that make life meaningful. We stop putting things off “I’ll be happy when I get… (the job, house, car, partner)”. We learn to appreciate what we have and live in the moment rather than postponing our happiness to a point in the future.

When faced with death we stop worrying about getting it all perfect – our career, our house, the way we look. We tend to not want to think about death, it’s a morbid subject and we certainly don’t want to think about the death of loved ones – we hope they’ll live forever.

Let’s face it though; it’s only when something ends we talk about how much we enjoyed it, miss it and how lovely it or they were. This is true of holidays, leaving speeches and eulogy’s at funerals but why wait until then. 

If, like Buddhists, this was our every day and not just in the face of something ending we’d learn to appreciate what we have, we’d spend our time doing the things that matter, with those we love and we’d tell people what they meant to us and what we appreciate about them.

Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative care nurse, talks of this in her book Top 5 regrets of the dying. What is it people regret most looking back on life? That they’d worked less, appreciated more and lived more true to themselves. 

And when our final day comes, because we don’t always get the warning, we’ll have fewer regrets and we’ll have lived each day like we’d have wanted.

Being your best on IWD (and every other day)

It’s something i’ve devoted my business to and the topic of my third book, The Superwoman Survival Guide. How do we reach our potential without burning out in the process?

For me i think it’s two sides of the same coin. The belief in ourselves that we have potential and then the energy to deliver on that potential.

This week at our special lunchtime talks i’ve spent time talking about both of these subjects. 

As women, we’re often brought up to be people pleasers, last on our own list, juggler of many roles. We also have high expectations on ourselves and expect to deliver all this perfectly. Often we set the bar too high and then beat ourselves up when we fall short.

Busyness is fashionable, it’s become a badge of honour. It also makes us feel needed, valued and productive when we’re busy. Our society has glorified the term and as a result, the opposite of busy has been deprioritised. We no longer see the value in rest, recharge, down time and it’s costing us our health. Many of us report overwhelm, stress and worse in this busy society we have conditioned ourselves to believe leads to success. In my experience it also leads to burn out and decreases what we’re capable of. 

Often we feel selfish, guilty or lazy if we take time out or time for ourselves. There’s a pressure when we sit and do nothing to think of all the things we ‘should’ be doing instead. However, for me, sitting doing nothing each day is key to giving me the energy to do everything else!

Looking after ourselves is key. What ever you call it – putting on your own oxygen mask first or filling your cup the principles are the same. You must come first if you’re to be of any use to anyone else.

It’s a subject I refer to as slowing down to speed up. I know this sounds counterintuitive. Especially in a world when we’re told to do more things in less time. However I’ve found that when we make the most of our pauses, take down time and take time out for us we become more effective.

If I’m well rested and focused on my task in hand, taking regular breaks and having time for me I am healthier, happier and have more energy. My mind is more focused and sharp and I can think clearer. This means relationships are easier to navigate, conflict is easier to overcome and when I have to make decisions or solve problems these things don’t take as long and I make fewer mistakes. Therein lies the secret to slowing down in order to be more effective and therefore speed up.

Self-care is as much about what we don’t do though as well as what we do. Saying no, setting boundaries, delegating and asking for support are all critical when it comes to keeping yourself in top form.

Time out is a foundation from which we build not luxury nice to have that sits at the bottom of our to do list until we’ve done all the important stuff. Gilbert Enoka, All Blacks Skills Coach explains it in terms of waves when he talks about peak performance. After game day when players have performed at their peak and given everything they need rest. Each wave of performance and pushing is followed by a wave of easing off, relaxing and recharging. We are the same and we simply can’t be at our best if every day is an upwards wave of pushing without the downward peaks in between.

It also helps build our resilience which we know is key to surviving the busyness. I liken it to a bank account that we pay into over time so that when things get tough we can withdraw ‘funds’. 

The trouble with resilience is that we often don’t think about it when things are going well. When we need it and tough times hit it’s too late, unless we’ve been building it. It’s like a tree in a storm, it’s grown its roots when the weather is fine so it can stand strong in a storm. We are the same, we need to be growing our roots and building our resilience when things are going well so we can weather the storms when they come.

It’s easy to be happy when things are going well but we know that isn’t always the case. Good and bad happen to us all, life has it’s rough and its smooth patches. It’s not about what happens to us as we can’t always control that but how we react to it and that’s our resilience – our ability to bounce back. 

Mind-set is key as this is how we control our reaction to the stress, busyness and bumps in the road. The mind is so important in terms of managing our busyness and overwhelm, as well as our self-talk and self-belief. Everything starts here.

What we think becomes how we feel and that the becomes how we act. Everything beings in the mind. It also comes everywhere with us. If we’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed with a busy, disturbed mind full of problems it doesn’t matter where we are we’ll struggle to be happy. We can be on a tropical island in a five star hotel on holiday with the perfect weather but if our mind is in that state we won’t enjoy it, regardless of our external circumstances.

The fact that we have an average 50 thousand thoughts a day (95% of which are the same) contributes to our sense of busyness in the brain, overwhelm of information and therefore pressure on the amount we have to do and think about. We find we’re constantly going over the past or worrying about the future and our brains suffer from this information overload. Especially in our device fueled constantly connected lives.

If we clam the mind and make it a more positive place we reduce our sense of overwhelm and we start to cultivate better relationships, with ourselves, our problems and with those around us. It’s that simple. It’s why mindfulness and meditation have become my daily go tos to stay at my best.

What we think is what we get and as Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or cant you’re right”

So take some time out for you this International Women’s Day and know that it’s critical to our sucess, our energy, beating overwhelm and cultivating a clearer, calmer mind-set.