Are you having enough fun?

Sometimes you notice the same thing coming up too frequently for it to be coincidence.  This was true for me this week and the theme was creativity, play and fun.

I attended a writers workshop on the opening of the NZ festival in Wellington.  Elizabeth Knox talked about imagination and relayed childhood stories displaying the depths of our imaginations as kids.  That night I saw this in action as I facilitated a goals workshop with 50 teen girls for Dream Night.  The brain child of a 13 year old girl who wanted her peers to aim high.  Their imaginations and world view, ambition and conscience amazed me.

Why is it as kids we have this imagination and creativity and how do we tap into it as adults.

I listened to the third week of a meditation series I’ve been following and was reminded of the answer.  Having fun and making time to play helps flex the creative muscles in our brain.  It gives us space to think, to be creative as well as lifting our mood.

 I’m hearing a lot about fun recently and how we need to have more of it.  How, as adults we’ve not got time for play or fun.  It’s a serious business adulting and we’re not often encouraged to play.

Something reflected as we went around the room at Dream Night.  Each table of teens had an adult role model to help them with the workshop and answer questions as we went.  These were some amazing women I was privileged to share the room with, some of whom I knew.  As we all introduced ourselves we spoke about our work and what we do and most of us followed that up with ‘I’m busy’, ‘I don’t get much spare time’ or words to the affect to explain the work related intro.  We didn’t mention our hobbies, interests or what we loved to do when not working – our play.

So it got me thinking this week. Do I play enough?  Am I having enough fun?

As an introvert, I’m often accused (by extroverts) of being boring so I worry that if I’m not out socialising all the time or at parties that maybe I’m missing out on my fun quota.  But when Deepak Chopra (who I assume to be an introvert) reeled off examples of fun in the meditation I listened to I realised fun looks different to everyone.

He mentioned reading, going for a walk, playing with the kids – things often deemed at the boring end of the fun scale by others – but it is fun if the person doing it enjoys it!  Fun looks different to us all and we get to define what fun looks like to us.  I believe it’s less about worrying what we class as fun and more about making sure we have it.  If it’s something you enjoy then it’s fun!

For me fun looks like; cooking dinner together, taking a dip in the ocean, playing with the dog, and it turns out I do have plenty of it, despite my concerns.  This is good news for creativity but also general happiness and wellbeing.

Do we make enough time for this, our creativity this we should. Are you having enough fun?

5 things I’m doing differently this year

It’s that time of year when we’re trying to be different, focus on new goals and stick to resolutions.  Often they’re big sweeping statements that run the risk of setting us up to fail, or they’re similar goals we tried last year that return at the start of every year – get fit, lose weight, change jobs – you know the ones!

I always start by looking at what went well in the last year, what can i build from, what habits am I proud of that I want to keep and can leverage.  From here I can then look at what do I want to do differently and what might I stop and start doing this year.

Starting small is the key.  I wanted to change my relationship with technology but banning it all together or removing all my apps was not practical.  So I’ve stopped taking my phone into the bedroom, removed my notifications, downloaded a screen time app and committed to one day detox per month – much more achievable.  I’ve also unfollowed all the accounts i’ve noticed make me feel inferior, not enough or just sad – like the news 😉

Making our goals achieveable means we’re far more likely to stick to them.  Remembering our why gives us the motivation to keep going.  If we simply want to lose weight that’s not enough to sustain us all year or resist temptation when it arises.  However if it’s linked to our health or running a marathon or an up coming wedding we’ve got a why and therefore increased motivation.

Really it’s about habit forming and votes for the kind of person we want to be.  Long ago I stopped counting weight and focused on my health when I looked at new year goals.  The activities are the same in terms of my exercise routines and what I eat but my focus shifts and it has become more rewarding and much easier to stick to.  I want to be healthy and fit regardless of what the scales say.  The offset of this of course is that the behaviour this desire drives means my clothes still fit!

When we set new goals it's really all about behaviour change and forming new habits.  As we watched the Queens speech after Christmas dinner (an English tradition) she spoke of the power of small habits to effect change.  It's so easy to get lost in big sweeping statement and audacious New Year goals which we then struggle to keep. 

It's all about the small changes, getting the ball rolling and giving ourselves the best chance.  Here’s some more tips.

Make it easy – I have an array of health supplements I keep meaning to take but if they're in the cupboard I forget, putting them next to the kettle means I take them daily when I get up each morning and make a cup of tea.  Making a habit easy means it's more likely to get done and become part of our routine.  Like having your gym kit in the car when you go to work to workout on the way home.  It's why Netflix binges are so easy – because it's easier to leave it running on autoplay than to press stop after one episode.

Off course the opposite is also true.  To stop bad habits making them harder helps.  If I don't buy biscuits at the supermarket I know I'm not going to smash a packet of them in one sitting!

Surround yourself with like minded people – usually when I'm in the UK for winter I do a lot of eating and not much exercise, it's easy to do when back home with family.  This year with my active partner with me I found myself going along to the gym with her.  We're more likely to keep up good habits when we're with others who have those habits.  If you're cutting back on drinking a weekend with boozy mates is always going to make that harder.

Make it rewarding – I never used to like going to the gym but loved the sauna, now I do both and the post workout sauna is my reward, the bit I look forward to and the bit that motivates me to get to the gym in the first place!  Linking new habits to things you already enjoy makes it more attainable and more likely you'll stick to it.

So what am I doing differently this year?

1.     Maintaining a healthy relationship with technology (see above)

2.    Making it harder to fall into the comparison trap so I can focus on me and stop feeling like I’m falling short when comparing to others

3.    Leveraging what’s worked well in 2019 - making sure I stick to the things that serve me well – yoga, meditation and getting out in nature

4.    Focusing on my health to ensure i stay at my best, being well nourished rather than limiting what i eat, moving everyday in a way that feels good – this includes just going for a walk rather than the gym on the days i’m tired.

5.     Giving myself a break, allowing mistakes and not beating myself up - keeping things simple and not making life complicated!

Of course it doesn’t have to be a new year.  A new month, a new week, even a new day is a clean slate to start again and it pays to remember this in our bid to stick to our new goals.

Why I don't buy into the New Year, New You theory

I’ve lost count of the number of emails and posts I’ve seen titled New Year, New You.  It’s the theme of the moment but I’m not buying into it, here’s why.

Whether we’re focusing on career progression, physical health and appearance, mental resilience or simply being the best we can be in daily life the same point is implied – that we are not already enough as we are, that we need to be different in some way.

I’m a massive fan of personal development and I’m part of the industry I mentioned above but I don’t buy into the self-improvement theory.  I don’t believe we should all feel the pressure to change or be something we’re not and I don’t believe we’re falling short in the way that so many of us feel.

You see I think self-improvement is all about being the best version of you, as you are.  Like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly – it’s always going to happen, it’s its destiny but it takes time, some are quicker than others and some butterflies are more beautiful than others, some have missing bits or imperfections but that’s what makes us unique and it’s about uncovering that beauty not trying to change it or wishing we were something or someone else.

I’m different now to who I was then but underneath it’s all the same – it’s all me.

The difference is I used to be confused about who I was and what I wanted, I was too busy trying to fit the mould to figure out who I was and what I wanted and I lacked the confidence to believe there was another way. I’d never heard of values, I certainly didn’t know I had them inside and authenticity filled me with fear because I desperately wanted to fit in.

I went on a journey of self-discovery, I travelled the world in search of answers, I walked away from a corporate career and rebuilt a life around my dreams. I figured out what my values were and how to live with meaning and purpose and I became more aware of who I was and what I wanted.

This gave me the confidence to start my own business, write a book and leave a relationship of seven years with a man because I was gay.

It’s a slow journey, one that takes time, one in which we learn from our mistakes and our experiences and each day we grow stronger and more beautiful like the butterfly. But it doesn’t stop there, I don’t think there’s ever a day that we’ve made it and all our dreams come true.

We continue to grow, learn and develop whether we’re 21 or 71.

It’s not about changing who we fundamentally are – about improving ourselves or being different but covering our true potential, growing into the person we’re capable of being and embracing that greatness that has been there all along buried deep within us – that’s development, that’s being awesome and it’s something we’re born with.

Much of the time we’re worried we should be better than we are or that we’re not as good as someone else. We worry about what others think when they judge us or why we’re not measuring up to others we are judging. We’re all worried about what people think of us yet the irony is no one is thinking half the things about you that you dread, do you know why?  Because they’re all too busy worrying about what other people think of them.

Unfortunately there will always be someone more beautiful, clever, talented or stronger than you. But the reverse is also true: there will always be people less than you in all of these areas.

So instead of comparing yourself to others, look to see if you’re fulfilling your own potential and celebrate the things you already have.

We are inclined to think more negatively, especially where our flaws are concerned and we’re designed to notice this above the positives. We spend more time focusing on our weaknesses than our strengths.

Everyone has weaknesses and no matter how hard we try we’re never likely to be great at this but if we focus on our natural skills and abilities – this is what helps us grown and be successful and the things others admire in us.

We often view our weaknesses as fatal flaws which need addressing yet everyone has them and we all have strengths too. By virtue of being human we’ll have a collection of both.

The trick is to focus on leveraging our strengths and accepting our weaknesses.

There’s an element of vulnerability to admit there are certain things we just can’t excel at (spreadsheets and accounts in my case!) yet that doesn’t make us useless or broken or defect in some way. There are also many things we excel at and strengths we have and embracing both sides of this coin is key to our success.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” Brene Brown

Being authentically you, true to all you are and all you believe in is the shortcut to being awesome and it’s an authenticity that develops as we age but exists within us all along, it’s our true heart and soul and when we’re are in touch with this, acting in accordance with this we’ve not need to improve ourselves or feel like we need to be different in anyway.

It’s not an excuse to sit and do nothing and to stay in a place that’s comfortable even when we know we can do better but it’s about being real with ourselves and allowing us to develop in our own time, pushing our limits and facing our fears but being patient, accepting and not beating ourselves up when we fail or when progress feels too slow.

This is awesome and this is being our best selves and by feeling comfortable and confident we show up beautifully in everyday life and inspire others with our flaws and imperfection and all.

It doesn’t stop us, it helps shape us into the best version of ourselves, no improvement necessary.

The dawn of a new decade and lessons learned in ten years

So we’re into a new year but not only that a new decade! A decade is a long time and much can happen over ten years. Take a look back at how far you’ve come, I'm sure there’s been plenty of ups and downs inside the last ten years. When I think back to what was happening for me ten years ago I was coming to the end of a year living in a campervan travelling the circumference of Australia with my then partner. I was emigrating to New Zealand and about to take up a position with Fonterra furthering my HR career.

The next decade saw me promoted at that job and then quit it all together. I left my partner of the time, I came out, I met my fiancé and moved to Wellington. I learned to meditate and met my teacher, friend and buddhist nun friend who taught me so much. We also fare welled her this decade too. I fare welled both my grandmothers and welcomed three nephews into the world.

I was lucky enough to spend time this decade in Bhutan, the kingdom famous from gross national happiness in place of GDP, I taught English to Buddhist monks in northern Thailand, spent time in Bali and qualified as a yoga teacher. I put on 10kg and lost 10kg and put on about another 8kg all in the last decade!

During that time I went from having a top job, company car, earning more than I thought possible to travelling, living in yoga ashrams and ultimately starting my own business.

Even within that journey there’s been a lot of ground covered in the last five years. I wrote my first book and then another two. I set up a meet up group and ran free events – sometimes no-one came! I now sell out events across NZ and am paid to speak along side celebrity names. I published my first blog online and set up my own website, I also went on to feature on BBC, TV3 and RNZ later that decade. It’s also been the decade where I acquired the Imposter Syndrome expert tag.

So much ground covered and I could never have imagined back then I’d be here now with all this water under the bridge both personally and professionally.

Here’s what I learned:

Don’t under estimate yourself – you’ve earned your place

We often doubt our abilities, underestimate ourselves or think that our success must have been down to something other than our ability – luck, a mistake, being liked etc.

Throughout my career I would wave away success and down play my achievements almost embarrassed by praise. I can’t say I’m there yet but I have since learned to respond to praise and recognition with ‘thank you’ which is a good start!

For many years in my former career I suffered from Imposter Syndrome. I didn’t get a degree, I left school at 16 and as I progressed into senior roles (where everyone had a degree) I used to feel like I was less intelligent, not as valuable or worthy – despite my performance and achievements.

Other people’s opinions seem to carry more weight than our own and it’s only the feedback I’ve had from others over the years that now allows me to believe I can do this and that people love what I do.

I remember worrying in my first workshop I’d been asked to do for a big business – am I qualified to do this? Will they enjoy it? Will it be good enough? Who am I to be posing as an expert in this field? – all those questions played on my mind despite having written a book on the subject I was speaking about!

If you’re getting praise you’ve earned it. The success you achieve is because you’re capable and have worked for it. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be success and you also don’t need to have all the answers.

You don’t have to have all the answers

For many years I’d put off leaving the security of my corporate job. I needed a plan first. If this wasn’t my career I needed to know what was before I made any changes. Where I’m at now I could never have foreseen then. It’s been a result of the journey I’ve taken and the things I’ve learned along the way that have helped informed my next move, developed me and taken me to where I am.

Often we feel we need all the answers, to see the whole stair case before we take the first step and begin.

There was trial and error, trying things to know if that worked or not. Training to teach yoga to see if this could be the future me or where else that might take me. Whilst I had a plan, I had no idea where I’d end up and it was only as I made progress the next steps began to emerge.

Sometimes we have to be comfortable with uncertainty because we don’t know what’s next. We might have a path set out but end up somewhere different, or sometimes we end up in the same place but take a different path or route to the one we planned, either way it works. I’m of the opinion now that there are no wrong paths and there are lessons learned and experiences gained even from the tough paths I wish I’d not chosen – I wouldn’t go back and change it.

Align with your values – be yourself

For many of my former years I tried to be who I thought I should be, what the world wanted, to fit in. I denied my sexuality for many years and took the corporate path of success as my own. It was only when I realised status and salary were not markers of happiness that I began to look for work that aligned to my values – I had to figure out what those were.

As a young leader I felt there was a mould to fit. I had to be a certain way to pass as a leader and as a result I devalued some of my skills that I didn’t think had a place at work. I used to leave my ‘Jess’ hat at the door to put my ‘Leader’ hat on. I now release these are the same hats and things like kindness, compassion and empathy are major leadership strengths rather than character weaknesses – what a relief because we all know pretending to be something we’re not is exhausting!

Being able to show up as my authentic self both in life and in work makes every day so much more rewarding. It also allows people to trust us when we’re genuine and relate to us if we’ve walked in their shoes.

As we head into the next decade I’m about to become a citizen of the country I was just emigrating to ten years earlier. At the start of the last decade I went on my first ever retreat, now I’m running my own in 2020. A lots happened in ten years, don’t forget how far you’ve come and the time it takes, the lessons we learn along the way. There’s no overnight success it’s all part of the journey.

The Superwoman Survival Guide

Is it a bird, is it a plane?  No it’s you rushing through life like it’s one big emergency, trying to be all things to all people and do everything without burning out.

Like superwoman our schedule is busy and we’re constantly responding to other peoples emergencies, rushing around trying to put out fires and rescue others!  High achieving women have this drive to do more, or better, to prove ourselves.  On top of all this most of us doubt our abilities, worry we’re falling short, get overwhelmed at the amount on our plate and worry we’re not enough.

So many of us these days admit to feeling overworked, overwhelmed and overscheduled juggling families, career, friends struggling to keep up with the never ending demands.

We go through life trying to support everyone else and then when we burn out we feel guilty for letting  people down – sound familiar?  Yes life is full, it’s fast but we also place additional unnecessary pressure on ourselves by trying to also make it perfect – to be superwoman.

Life has changed and evolved for women and whilst the opportunities are endless the same cultural norms and upbringings weigh us down with an expectation to fulfil many roles.  So now we’re encouraged to be career high flyers but are still required to be a great partner by taking care of things at home, raise the kids and be at the school gates at 3pm.  Expectations have increased, along with the amount of balls we juggle in the air, it’s led to this quest to be superwoman in all areas of our life – now we’ve got the equal opportunity or course we want to execute it perfectly and show we’re capable.

What do you think of when you think of superwoman?  The mythical superhero character in the movies?  A woman who’s simply doing more than the average woman?  Someone who pushes herself to excel at everything and succeeds?

For most of us we think of strength, world saving, someone who has it all, can do it all, she’s generally admired and respected and someone we wished we could be.  We nearly always think of her as someone else, someone better than us – they belong in the superhuman category right?

She may be the high flying career woman, who always looks amazing when drops the kids at school with their freshly made organic lunches, she’s been up since 5 doing yoga and making hand pressed veg juice for the family.  In her spare time she’s training for a marathon, volunteers raising money for breast cancer and she may well have not eaten a carb since 2005 but is she really perfect?

What about those women that seem to do it all, have it all and thrive?  How do they do it?  The answer most often is that they don’t!  Whilst it may seem on the surface that all their plates are spinning, take a closer look, get to know them, see what’s happening behind closed doors, in their heads, their stress levels, how they sleep, their relationships and they’ll be a wobbly plate somewhere that needs spinning before it topples.  Perhaps they’re using photoshop on those beautiful selfies?  Or have an entourage of people that help them at home?  A high performing team at work that carries the load? 

If we compare ourselves to these superwomen we fall short.  We can never see the full story and even the strongest superwomen have a weakness.  In fact the more like superwoman they appear the greater the chance that they’re battling insecurities, exhaustion, not feeling good enough or just tired of trying to fulfil those expectations.

Yet we look at these people and are encouraged to strive, lean in, be perfect whilst feeling like we’re constantly falling short and will never measure up because we’re human and sometimes all we need rather than doing more, is doing less, take a break, permission to be ourselves rather than superwoman and to not feel guilty that it’s not enough.

Let’s get some facts straight when it comes to superwoman;

Real women make mistakes, we cry (sometimes for no reason), we get emotional, we care fiercely for the thigs we love, we are social creatures, we also like to be by ourselves, we might drink too much wine on a Friday when we’ve had a tough week at work.  We sometimes shout at our kids/dog/spouse/call centre reps.  We buy fruit that we intend to eat or juice but it ends up rotting in our fruit bowls or on our desks.  We join the gym but don’t actually enjoy going.  We eat cake even when we’re supposed to be on a diet, we drink too much coffee, we can only post a selfie if it’s been taken 100 times and then filtered.  We keep clothes we can no longer fit into in our wardrobe in case we ever regress to a size 10.  We’re still not 100% sure we’re cut out for our job and as capable as everyone else seems to think.  We’re constantly beating ourselves up for the things we’re not good at, we’re too quick to see the things we don’t like about ourselves and don’t often see how amazing we already are.

In all seriousness, how do we harness the superwoman in us but make sure she’s not destroying us in the process.  Having sustainable expectations and knowing what to do to not only tame our inner superwoman but to uncover the innate potential that lies within us and makes us so amazing, to harness everything that does indeed makes us superwoman, as we are.

The higher the expectations we place on ourselves the more unrealistic they’re likely to be – we’re setting ourselves up to fail so it’s no wonder we don’t feel like we’re enough.  It also leads to a direct correlation with our feelings of overwhelm and busyness – the more we have to become the more we have to do and then the less time we get to be or do anything that matters!

If we hold ourselves to an impossible standard we will sadly, always fall short.  We think it’s all or nothing.  If I can’t be CEO, chair of the PTA, out earn my peers then what’s the point, I’ve failed.  If I’m not growing my own organic food in the garden, teaching the kids piano, learning to speak French, making raw meals from Real Food Kitchen each night and having mind blowing sex then I’m failing as a mother and wife so I feel guilty.  Guilty we’re not at that 430 pm meeting, guilty we didn’t go to the school lunch recital, guilty our legs are cultivating cellulite farms and guilty we’ve been too tired for sex for the last three years!

What if we were to enjoy life without these expectations and guilt that we place upon ourselves?

Trying to be superwoman makes us less productive.  Our ambition to be superwoman is actually our undoing and once we let go of this need to be perfect what we find is we become better, life becomes manageable and we succeed at what we’re attempting because we’re not setting ourselves up to fail.  We embrace who we are and what we have and find the joy in life, we find time for us and the overwhelm disappears.  Our schedules start to align with our priorities and we have more choices, we become healthier and happier with more energy and therefore more to give to those that depend on us.  We feel less guilt, we don’t spend as much time chasing our tail, we can think clearer, we sleep better and we are enough, as we are.

Be amazing, strive, have ambition but make sure you’re the driver of that, not guilt or some superwoman fantasy we’re seeing in the movies and magazines.

Appreciate our strengths as we are and tap into what makes us amazing without trying to be different, more, or better.  So be your own superwoman and know that she is real, imperfect and yet still amazing.  Let go of the superwoman complex to move from the impossible to the amazing reality we have within us.

You already are amazing so stop chasing the myth, its why you feel like you don’t measure up.  If we let go of trying to be perfect and have it all we might just find out we already do and we already are, life changes for the better and instead of superwoman you become you and no-one is you, that is your power.

Strive for the best version of you but stop trying to be superwoman – you already are.

Find out more about the book and launch dates here

The story behind Women Supporting Women

As a speaker I was tired of waiting for invites and I knew other women speakers in the same boat who were also good at what they did and had a great message to share.  I decided to make it happen and stop waiting.  I designed my own event that I was waiting to be asked to speak at and put myself on the guest list as well as those other women speakers I’d mentioned and admired – Women Supporting Women was born.

In the spirit of collaboration and my firm belief that we are stronger together than we are apart, I enjoy bringing women together to share their wisdom to help inspire, motivate and empower each other.

It was initially just going to be a one off but after 200 tickets and such great feedback it became an annual thing and I expanded into other cities.  There’s a magic that happens when women get together in a room and I soon started to notice more opportunities with what I’d created here.

With so many women in a room we had a platform to support other women in business who could come along and showcase their products and services and give their business a bit of exposure – businesses who were also keen on empowering women to be their best.

The speakers inspired the audience as well as getting their name out these and hopefully picking up some business along the way and what’s more with such large audiences we were able to make a portion of tickets free and support local community groups to attend. 

This has become an important part of the social impact mission at the heart at these events.  I don’t run them for profit but sell enough tickets and stands to cover venue and catering cots and ensure sponsored places are always available.

I also chose a local charity at each event, an organisation who empowers women, the help raise awareness of their great work and for people to support on the day with donations.  So far The Aunties, Dress for Success and Wellington Homeless Women’s Trust have been chosen charities of choice at these events.

The mission behind this not for profit event is to gather women together to be inspired and empowered, with amazing speakers to help motivate us but also a platform to empower them in the work they do.  At some of these events we also provide a platform to empower women in business and have expo type stands available for those women to showcase their business/products. 

Collaboration is such an important part of our success and so often we’re taught to compete with each other as women and that our success must be at the expense of someone elses.  Whilst many of these speakers are in the same line of work as me I see that as a reason to collaborate rather than compete and I believe in the saying lift as you climb, support each other.  We’re all sharing a similar message and trying to help the same people with the same issues so it makes sense we band together.  We’ll also do this differently with our own styles and personalities so I don’t think we’d be direct competition in that sense anyway – we all resonate with different audience members in different ways and that makes it all the more enjoyable when we collaborate and connect at events like these.

We make a large number of tickets free or minimal cost to ensure everyone has the opportunity to attend.  At our first three events all women were invited to bring their daughters along for free.  Local businesses donate prizes and in some cases goody bags are available for attendees on the day.

My mission is to empower women to be their best.  Whilst I love my work and sharing my passion to help others I also want to make it as accessible as possible, to ensure a more diverse representation and increase opportunities across the board for others.

Find out more about our events and the mission behind this work on the website

Our next event is 10 August in Auckland, with a Christchurch launch to come!  Join the Facebook Group to stay up to date and be the first to find out about tickets and specials.

Self-care beyond spas - powering you to succeed

Self-care is something I talk about a lot and also one of my non negotiables.  I learned the hard way, back in my corporate world days where the busier I thought I was the more valued I felt, the more hours I worked the more status I achieved and the more money I earned the happier I thought I’d be.  It turns out this isn’t the formula and whilst I’m still busy these days I’ve mastered the art of balance.

I use self-care as the foundation from which I build and if I feel good and have plenty of energy everything else seems so much easier, even when the tough times hit.  Self-care is a critical part of building our resilience but also giving us the mental clarity to create and the energy to succeed.

When you read articles from some of the most successful people in our society they talk about their morning routines, their self-care, how they centre themselves.  I believe this is the key to our success and how we reach our potential because I’ve seen the difference it’s made for me.

I don’t mind admitting I’m in bed most nights before 10pm.  It means I wake up fresh and ready for the day.  I spent years dragging myself out of bed and was desperately attached to the snooze button.  As a result I’d feel sluggish most of the morning and it’d take a few cups of caffeine to lift the brain fog.  I find these days my morning routine is so important to starting the day well.  My brain functions better and my mind is more clear and therefore creative.

I get up early, do some stretches and sit for 10 minutes to meditate, sometimes longer if I’ve got the time and sometimes not at all if I’ve not.  I believe in the 80:20 rule and if you’re doing things 80% of the time the 20% you miss is inconsequential.  I then have breakfast and get ready for the day.  I also like to get outside and walk the dog.

Exercise is key for me as is being out in nature.  I make sure this happens in some form most lunchtimes.  I also make sure I’m getting to a yoga class at least once a week to offset all the sitting I do.  Failing that I so some stretches or sit with my legs up the wall for 5 minutes, this releases my lower back and helps calm the mind too.

It’s so often the small, simple stuff that makes the difference, the things that don’t cost money or take up much extra time because let’s face it we need this stuff most because we’re so short on time!

Those who know me know I’m a fan of the sauna, particularly in winter.  It’s a warm, quiet dark space and I feel instantly relaxed when I’m in there.  It’s also where a lot of my thinking happens so important processing time.

I’m also a fan of the spa and a massage but self-care is so much more than this.  These are the basics that keep us well but self-care extends far beyond this.  A lot of self-care is how we allow ourselves to be treated.  The people we hang out with, how we allow others to treat us, the voice inside our head and how we let it talk to us.  The food we put into our body, the way we feel when we look in the mirror, how busy we allow ourselves to be and if we care enough about ourselves to make time for ourselves.

As women it’s too easy to feel guilty or selfish when we take time for us.  Especially if we have dependants and other people relying on our time and energy.  However, if we do take time for us it’s not only ourselves that benefit.  Imagine what a better partner, parent, worker, colleague we’d be if we weren’t tired and stressed, how much more we could give others, the quality of our relationships and how we’d respond to conflict and bumps in the road?

When we take time for self-care everyone around us benefits too.  If we’re compassionate by nature we can often find we’re last on our own list – but then how can we give to others if we’re pouring from an empty cup?  It’s the ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ adage.

So how else can we take care of ourselves and invest in self-care to keep us at our best?

Taking a break from technology once a month for a day or two helps clear my mind and give me a break from the constant social media messaging and body image, comparison, not good enough spiral that it’s easy to get caught up in – this is an act of self-care.

Simply sitting in silence for a few minutes before the rest of the house wakes – this is also an act of self-care.

Leaving a company that doesn’t align to your values, a boss who mis-treats you, a partner who doesn’t respect you – these are all acts of self-care.  As is saying no to demands when you’re overscheduled.

This is a tough one, when we’re conditioned to put others first and the please people, when we’ve based our identity on helping others and being all things to all people, saying no does not come naturally for many women.  Often saying no can leave us feeling guilty and selfish, like we’ve let people down.

I’ve never been good in this space and that’s why I get so busy.  Either because I don’t want to let people down or I’m worried about offending them.  I’m also a people pleaser and I also want to help others, not to mention feeling proud that they’ve come to me in the first place and therefore wanting to deliver for them (the drive to succeed plays a role here too).  This may resonate with many of you.

Over the last year or so as I’ve become more well known the demands on my time have increased.  More people want to meet for coffee, to pick my brains or simply to connect and it’s something I love to do.  However there are only so many hours a day and often this can dominate my schedule and take me away from my work.  It’s led me to reflect; where do you draw the line and how can we get comfortable saying no?

I think saying no has evolved to be selfish, negative and avoidable in our eyes.  If we’re superwoman and succeeding in all areas of life surely we say yes to everything and saying no is a sign we’re not good enough or up to the job?

Flipping the narrative here and knowing that saying no is how we deliver on our superwoman ideal has helped me.  Saying no to protect myself and to ensure I stay on top form to be able to deliver on expectations and be good to others.  Saying no to the one extra meeting when the week is full means I’ve more energy when I get home to be with my family.  Saying no to another 6 am start because they’ve happened all week means that when I get on stage people get the full me not a 60% tired version.

No doesn’t have to be no, it doesn’t have to be a negative or a sign I don’t care or a feeling of not delivering or letting people down.  It can be

“Not right now, maybe when I’m less busy”. 

“No but thanks for asking I really appreciate that you thought of me”

“No but I might know someone else that can help”

“No, not this time but feel free to ask next time”

“No but I’d have loved to if I had the time”

“No because I’m doing x, y, and z in stead”

“I already have plans” or “something else has come up”

“I’m not available but let’s reschedule”

So next time you’re overscheduled see balancing the busyness as an act of self-care

Next time you’re in an uneven relationship or a negative conversation see removing yourself as an act of self-care.  Next time you have to say no, see it as looking after yourself so you’re able to give more to others and deliver on your own expectations.

Self-care is our foundation, is where everything else builds from and it’s how we stay our best.  It’s so often the small things and that’s why we tend to overlook them but they make such a big difference.

Kindness & Compassion - happy volunteer week

Compassion and kindness are key ingredients for happiness.  It leads us to want to do good without expecting anything in return, to look after each other and our environment.   

National Volunteer Week celebrates the collective contribution of the 1.2 million volunteers who enrich Aotearoa New Zealand.  This year’s theme is “Whiria te tangata – weaving the people together”.  

It's easy in our modern world to get caught in the trap of looking after number one, to go out and get what we want—and the more of it we can have, the better.  Our society preaches survival of the fittest and often encourages us that to succeed it needs to be at the expense of others.

Compassion and Kindness have always been strengths I admire in others and something instilled in me from a young age.  My Grandmother who passed away earlier this year was the most giving person I know and I see that in my Mum too so it's obviously been a big part of my life and something that's important.

It's something I know has always impacted my sense of purpose and fulfilment, giving back.  Whether it's money or time giving to a worthy cause makes us feel good as well as helping said cause.  There's even a term 'helpers high' that's used to define the endorphins that are released in the brain when we perform acts of kindness

When I hit 30 I was unfulfilled and unhappy, despite having every material I could ever have wished for.  I had a good upbringing, climbed the corporate ladders, earned good money, had a company car and a house by the beach so why was I unhappy?  At this point I set off on a journey that lead to understanding there was another way, the path to happiness and how to create a life we love.  I discovered what I valued, how to balance life, learned a new relationship with money and rediscovered what mattered.

During this journey I discovered my authenticity, made life more simple and rebuilt my life around my passions to find meaning and purpose.  Part of this involved quitting the corporate world and volunteering overseas.  I trained to be a yoga teacher, practiced mindfulness daily and did my life coaching certificate.  I now write books and run my own business and still enjoy volunteering.  In celebration of volunteer week I’d like to share why it’s so important as well as give thanks and gratitude to all those volunteers out there who give their time to good causes.

Vietnamese Zen Monk Thich Nhat Hanh said “The word compassion is a verb”.  Just think back to the last time you performed the action of helping someone in need.  How good did you feel? 

Our natural response to seeing someone in distress is the impulse to help, we care about the suffering of others and we feel good when that suffering is released.  This applies if we do it ourselves, see it in a movie or witness it in real life.  It makes us feel good.  Feeling like we’re making a difference in the world and helping those who need it brings us joy, it gives us meaning 

James Baraz quotes statistics on why giving is good for you in his book; ‘Awakening Joy’.  “According to the measures of Social Capital Community Benchmark survey those who gave contributions of time or money were 42% more likely to be happy than those who didn’t.  Psychologists even have a term for the state of euphoria reported by those who give, it’s called ‘helpers high’ and is based on the theory that neuroscience is now backing up; giving produces endorphins in the brain that make us feel good, this activates the same part of the brain as receiving rewards or experiencing pleasure does”.

You may say, that’s easy if you’re happy, have money and the time to help.  But when you’re busy, worried and burned out it’s not so easy to find the space in your heart or mind to be compassionate.  Yes, it does make it harder but not impossible and can in fact be the opening to more joy in your life at a time when you need it most. 

I must admit that when I’m working full time and trying to run my own business I don’t get the time I’d like to volunteer but when I have periods between contracts and can focus on one job I make sure it incorporate a day to volunteer.  Not only does it give me a break from writing it gets me out mixing with others and that feeling of contributing to the community, being of service and doing some good for others. 

It’s not just for others though, it’s good for our souls, our sense of meaning and purpose, learning new things, social connection. All the things that are fundamental to our health and happiness.  It helps us think more positively about the world and our own contribution to it too.

It’s the voluntary work I’ve done over the years that I’ve enjoyed most above any paid job, no matter what the salary or benefits.  I spent time in Thailand teaching English to Buddhist monks, worked at yoga ashrams and Buddhist centres as well as doing the soup run for the homeless and volunteering to teach IT to the over 50’s and coordinate activities at elderly day care centres. I enjoy the company and get a sense of satisfaction from this work.

Studies are also showing there are physical health benefits of compassion and giving through the form of voluntary work.  United Health Group commissioned a national survey of 3,351 adults and found that the overwhelming majority of participants reported feeling mentally and physically healthier after a volunteer experience.

·         76 percent of people who volunteered in the last twelve months said that volunteering has made them feel healthier

·         94 percent of people who volunteered in the last twelve months said that volunteering improved their mood

·         78 percent of them said that volunteering lowered their stress levels

·         96 percent reported that volunteering enriched their sense of purpose in life

·         Volunteering also improved their self-esteem

Researchers at the University of Exeter Medical School in England analyzed data from 40 published studies and found evidence that volunteers had a 20 percent lower risk of death than their peers who do not volunteer. The study also found that volunteers had lower levels of depression, increased life satisfaction and enhanced well-being. 

It doesn’t have to be money, it doesn’t have to be a lot of time if you’re short on that.  It can even be as simple as starting with some random acts of kindness throughout your day.  When we think of giving we often think of charitable donations but it doesn’t have to involve money.  Donating items to charity collections, baking cakes for local events, helping out at a local animal shelter or using some of your skills to help others are all forms of giving.  Giving is not always about your money.  We all have skills and strengths we can share with others, we can all choose to be compassionate.  Even if we have very little material wealth, we all have infinite non material wealth we can share.

Take the project ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ for example.  They have many ideas of acts of kindness we can perform for complete strangers and at the same time encourage those who have been the recipient of an act of kindness to pass it on and do something kind for someone else.  This can be as simple as helping an elderly neighbor with their shopping, paying the toll fee for the car behind you, holding the door open for a stranger or making coffee for a busy colleague. 

It doesn’t have to be hard or take up a lot of time, there are so many ways to help and by doing so we’re not just helping the recipients we’re helping ourselves too.  In a world where we’re increasing too busy for kindness see if you can make space to volunteer yourself in some capacity – your health and happiness will thank you.

Living before we die

I love summer and admit to getting a bit sad once winter descends!  I find myself desperately grasping onto each sunny day and trying to make the most of it at this time of year, wishing the days were longer and warmer and wishing I’d made the most of the summer whilst it was here!  Crazy when we know that summer and winter come and go each year as the seasons change.  There’s some interesting parallels here on how we live life and something I’ve been contemplating.

This weekend I went to a course on, wait for it – death!  Not the most enjoyable way to spend a weekend you’d think and not at the top of most people’s list, but it was really interesting which has led to this article on my take aways and how it can help us.  Those who follow me know I’ve spent years studying Buddhist practices and philosophies on life and this one intrigued me having experienced loss a couple of times already this year.

You see one thing we all know for sure is that we will die, there’s no greater certainty and we’ve no idea when really.  Because of this it’s so important we live whilst we’re alive.  Some of us might get it pointed out in advance if we’re sick or receive a terminal diagnosis but we’re all on the same conveyor belt whether we’re aware or not.

How can this help us though rather than send us into a state of panic or depression?  We never think about death in our western world.  We live like we’ll be around forever and then when it comes (as it always does) we’re completely unprepared, scared and desperately hanging on to life, wishing we’d actually lived it – like me with summer!

Here’s the thing from a Buddhist perspective though.  If we consider that we will die one day (fact), it changes the way we live, it changes our perspective.  If we thought we may die today our interactions become different with people, we do the things that matter, we treat each other with kindness and the little things stop bothering us.

For anyone who’s been close to death, lost someone dear or been in the midst of an earthquake or natural disaster this may have become clear.  It doesn’t need to take those things though for us to have the perspective and awareness and to live each day with meaning and appreciate more of what we have.  The scary thing is that each day we live is a day closer to our death.

Yet we live like we’ll be here forever. The Buddhist nun this weekend likens it to staying in a posh hotel.  We know we’re only there for short time, we make the most of the fine white sheets, the fluffy bath robe and free shampoos.  We enjoy it, appreciate it but we don’t believe we’ll take any of it with us or cry when we leave because we knew right from the start that we’d be checking out.

When we think about our death we stop chasing after the things that we can’t take with us – money, status, material possessions and we focus on the things that make life meaningful.  We stop putting things off “I’ll be happy when I get… (the job, house, car, partner)”.  We learn to appreciate what we have and live in the moment rather than postponing our happiness to a point in the future.

When faced with death we stop worrying about getting it all perfect – our career, our house, the way we look.  We tend to not want to think about death, it’s a morbid subject and we certainly don’t want to think about the death of loved ones – we hope they’ll live forever.

Let’s face it though; it’s only when something ends we talk about how much we enjoyed it, miss it and how lovely it or they were.  This is true of holidays, leaving speeches and eulogys at funerals but why wait until then.  If, like Buddhists, this was our every day and not just in the face of something ending we’d learn to appreciate what we have, we’d spend our time doing the things that matter, with those we love and we’d tell people what they meant to us and what we appreciate about them.

Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, talks of this in her book Top 5 regrets of the dying.  What is it that people regret most looking back on life?  That they’d worked less, appreciated more and lived more true to themselves.

And when our final day comes, because we don’t always get the warning, we’ll have fewer regrets and we’ll have lived each day like we’d have wanted.

Find out more about beating the overwhelm and living life more meaningfully here

The power of collaboration: why I don’t believe in competition

I’m naturally an introvert so networking hasn’t always come easy to me.  When I started my business though I knew it was crucial so I started to attend different women in business groups for support and socialising.  One group I attended had different groups set up across the city but the one closest to me already had a coach in it and they had strict rules on non competition, “We’re only allowed one coach per group” they told me.

Now I know many coaches who are all very different; business coaches, fitness coaches, life coaches, wellness coaches and the list goes on – why would these people be competing I thought? Surely this would be a space for collaboration?  It’s like an author who writes kids’ stories versus an author of travel guides – the same job but different audiences.  Some of my good friends are coaches who do exactly what I do and collaborating with them on pieces of work has been some of my most enjoyable and successful events – whilst we all share a mission of empowering women to be their best we do this in our own unique voice.

It got me thinking about competition and the behaviours it drives – that there’s only room for one of us, that we should operate in isolation, that it’s every man (and woman) for themselves.

When I put on big events and invite other women to speak on the stage people say; ‘but what if they steal your customers?’  The speakers I invite to share the stage are generally women who want to empower women, just like me – that’s the whole point.  This work enables me to provide a platform for these women to showcase their work but also helps my audience hear different perspectives that may resonate. Yes, it may also mean that someone may become a follower of them not me, off the back of my own event!  But in all honesty it’s because the connection has been made in a way I could not have achieved.  If I don’t resonate with that person they are not my customer and it’s great I’ve been able to help someone else in the process and connect them to someone who does – we can’t expect to always resonate with everyone.

One woman who came and spoke at my recent Auckland launch confessed afterwards – I was worried our subject matter was too similar and given my topic was so close to yours I thought ‘shall I even get up and give my talk now?’ – she did and it was great, it resonated in a totally different way and reinforced some key messages around authenticity we both share.  However, she delivered it in a totally different way and told her own story which of course will always be different person to person.  In this example we’re both women who’ve quit our corporate jobs to focus on empowering women to tap into their authenticity and use mind-set to succeed – pretty similar yet collaborative rather than competitive.

This has been a lesson I've had to learn. A younger me totally bought into competition, I wanted to be first and prized my success on winning at all costs. I played a lot of sports and even as part of the team would strive to be the stand out individual, top of the class. To win player of the year even though there were eleven other plays in that team. At work I believed I had to look after number one and focus on my own success to make sure it was me that won. It's not that I wasn't competitive rather that I've learned how we succeed together and now put collaboration first that we can live in a world where everyone wins.

I believe we’ve been taught for too long to compete, that it’s about survival of the fittest and that our success needs to be at the expense of someone else’s.

It comes from a place of fear, of threat, of insecurity and can lead to poor behaviour that is unsupportive – you’ll have all heard of examples of women who move up the career ladder only to pull the ladder up behind them rather than supporting others to do the same.

It is at odds with the lift as you climb approach I strongly believe in – where we help and support each other in a way we can all succeed.  We can only do this though when we feel secure in ourselves, aligned to our values and believe in our product/service.

It’s the same reason some of my on-line course material is freely available, do people rip it off?  Of course they do, like most things that are available on line these days it gets copied.  However I’m comfortable and confident in the message I have, the product I deliver and from that comes a place of strength and support rather than fearful competition.  Despite who copies my work they will never deliver it the way I do because they are not me and that’s what’s special about us all.

No-one will ever tell your story the way you do, no-one will ever deliver your content the way you do and this is what makes each of us powerful and we are so much more powerful together than we are apart.

It’s why I’ve put so much energy behind Women Support Women and will continue to do so because I believe we all have a gift to share and even those with similar gifts will all resonate with difference audiences and supporting each other doesn’t just help us but those we serve too.

The superwoman balancing act – how perfectionism sets us up to fail

We are all on a mission to be the best we can be, to be happy, to have the perfect houses, families, partners, and jobs, to complete our to-do lists, to complete our bucket lists, to make our parents proud, to get promoted, earn more money, and be successful. Good enough is no longer enough. We live in a world where we are so developed, we can have everything and instant gratification. Normal is what we have, but it’s not what we want to settle for—it’s no longer enough. We expect to have everything and for the fairy tale to be a reality, and it won’t be. We set ourselves up to fail; our imperfect lives (which are the best they can be) are never going to be perfect. We aim for perfection and are then disappointed because it never arrives.

All this against a backdrop of not quite feeling good enough those nagging feelings of self-doubt.  According to the International Journal of behavioural science 70% of us think we’re not as good as others believe we are, it’s called Imposter Syndrome.  It’s exacerbated by our fear of failure, trying to please everyone around us, striving for perfection but worried we’re falling short all rolled into one!  It’s particularly prevalent in women and given rise to these superwomen tendencies that so often end up in busyness, burnout and breakdown.

Woman are good at being perfectionists; this comes from our need to please people but also our very high standards and expectations of ourselves. It can be a strength and what makes us good at what we do, but can also be our undoing. It’s where we set ourselves up to fail, expect too much, and lose touch with reality, and where the bar actually is - often we raise it far higher than it needs to be. 

Perfectionism is also our fear of failure manifesting. Sometimes our self-doubt means we’re so scared of not making the mark or falling short that we go way over what’s necessary, work twice as hard, to make sure we don’t fail. Whether we’re applying for a job, having our hair done, going to the gym, or just doing our day jobs. We want to be the perfect parents, workers, friends, and partners; we want to look like a perfect cover of a magazine and live in perfectly clean, tidy houses with perfect lawns. 

We place massively unfair expectations on ourselves. To work hard at work but not feel guilty if we can’t be at the school gates at 3pm everyday or to be a good mother and not feel bad for arriving to work at 9am. Much of this guilt comes from ourselves – we feel bad for leaving at 3pm even if we arrived at 7 – we worry what others will think and we are constantly trying to prove ourselves worthy.

It’s no wonder we’re so busy and can never find time for ourselves.  We are so busy in our modern world, the pace of life has quickened, expectations are higher and we’re all trying to do more things in less time. We have this superwoman complex where we try to juggle multiple roles in life all masterfully - with overflowing to do lists and excessive demands on our time – there’s never enough hours in the day.

We’ve also attached our self-worth to being busy.  It means we’re needed and valued and that we’re contributing.  Often it can be martyrdom at play as we struggle through our busy lives feeling secretly pleased the family/workplace might crumble without us.  So we wear busy like a badge of honour and attach our identity and worth to society in just how busy we are – this means we’ve deprioritised rest, relaxation, time out and anything that is the converse of busy – no wonder burnout is becoming more common!

Often its our own high expectations that drives this behaviour – especially if we’re perfectionists.  So what can we do about it?

Top Tips

It’s not about not doing our best or lowering the bar but resetting it to a realistic level.. Understanding the difference between excellence and greatness and perfect and what is achievable in reality.  If we’re perfect in one area of life there’s bound to be another far from perfect that’s not getting the attention it needs!

• Give yourself permission to make mistakes – we are human

• Knowing that we don’t have to be superwomen to be enough and to be worthy

• Stop comparing to others

• Putting ourselves first for a change

• Making time for self-care – balance the busyness and build resilience

• Leverage your strengths rather than trying to be good at everything

• Asking for help when you need it and delegating tasks (both at work and at home)

• The to-do list will never be complete.

• You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got, and that is enough

“We don’t have to do all of it alone – we were never meant to” Brene Brown

Top tips to help women thrive #IWD2019

It’s International Women’s Day this month and a time to celebrate what makes women great and bring awareness to the importance of a more gender balanced world.  It’s also the one year birthday for my second book, Like A Girl and a special 2 for 1 deal throughout March is on offer to celebrate!

The theme for IWD2019 is #balanceforbetter and I’m a firm believer that equality for women is not about the downfall of men – equality is everyone’s business and balance is definitely better! Likewise, equality is not a women’s problem that can be solved by women alone, we’re all in this together. 

I've heard many awesome successful women as well as mentioning abhorrent stories of bullying, sexual harassment and gender bias also talk about men who have been their sponsors & cheerleaders. I’ve also been privileged to work with some great men. We often forget this bit.  It may be true that some men (& women) are part of the problem but many more are also part of the solution.  Men are a key part of us making change towards a more equal society, they still make up the majority of our positions of authority, not to mention important parts of our family too, so it’s critical we bring them along on the journey with us.

Having said that though it is still harder for women, things are not yet equal.  In gender pay, in leadership numbers, in the way we are treated, the expectations on us and how we are judged.  Many women are doing the lion’s share of housework, social organising and child caring despite having full time jobs.  We also have a habit of beating ourselves up for either having career ambitions and not being at the school gates at 3pm each day or for not contributing financially whilst that career is on hold so we can be at the school gates at 3pm every day – no wonder we feel we can’t quite win.

Quite simply if you walk in a woman’s shoes, life is different than if you were a male wearing those same shoes.

Often though some of these issues are with us; who are the people who have the highest expectation of us, those who judge us most harshly, those who think it’s not ok to ask for help or say no – most often, as women that person is ourselves!  So what can we do in light of IWD2019 to ensure we’re being our best and thriving at life?  Here are 6 tips to enable women to thrive.

Be you and let that be enough

We’re always trying to be more, never feeling good, pretty, clever, rich, fit, strong, thin (place your word here) enough! We have so many molds to try and fit as women, in the workplace and at home.  It can leave us feeling like an expat living in a foreign country far from who we truly are and adrift from what matters to us, and it’s exhausting trying to ‘be someone’.  We live in a society though that puts pressure on us to fit in, to be liked, to follow the norm.  At work we have to tread the careful line between being more assertive but not labelled a bully, or be more vulnerable without being labelled as weak – it’s no wonder authenticity is so hard!

Knowing who you are, what you want and what matters most is key.  Making decisions in line with our values and doing things that align with our passions ensures that our schedule matches our priorities.

Speak up, lean in, take risks, back yourself

We can be guilty of standing back, waiting for permission, waiting for that idea to be 100% before sharing or waiting for someone else to speak before we ask the question, not speaking up at meetings or apologising too often before we speak or ask a question and waiting for a bit more experience before we apply for the promotion.  When we do this we can miss out.  If we lean back rather than lean in the opportunity will go to someone else. Sometimes we have to back ourselves, lean in and take a risk.  This is how we grow and develop.  It’s easier said than done though and here’s why:

Face your fear, challenge yourself and have permission to fail

Generally fear is what stops us!  Fear of what people think, the unknown, leaving a familiar space, what if we make the wrong choice, what if fail.  We can be guilty of playing it safe to avoid failure, our fear of rejection sometimes means we don’t even ask.

It’s called our comfort zone for a reason and sometimes we think it’s better the devil we know than the devil we don’t. We’ve been taught to avoid risk and to play it safe – we don’t want to fail at any cost.  However getting out of our comfort zone is the only way we grow and develop, challenging ourselves and taking risks is a key part of this and yes sometimes we might fail and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

So often failure is a stepping stone to success, it’s how we learn and grow.  I’ve learned things from many trial and error moments that I’d never have otherwise known. 

It’s easy to look at those we admire and think they’re doing it right and we’re doing it wrong but quite often they’ve made mistakes, learned from them, bounced back from failures and that’s got then to where they are today.  Even the best fail in fact it’s often why they succeed.

So give yourself permission to fail and know that it’s often how we learn to succeed.

Let go of perfectionism

This can be difficult though if we’re perfectionists.  Sometimes we’re so scared of failure we go right to the other end of the extreme.

The irony with perfection though is it sets us up to fail, it’s not real.  Whether it’s an airbrushed photo in a magazine we’re trying to look like or a perfect side of someone’s life on Facebook we’re trying to emulate – we’re always going to fall short because we’re not comparing full stories, real life! Yet we still beat ourselves up when we fall short and compare ourselves in this way.

Navigating perfectionism isn’t about not doing a great job, it’s about resetting the bar to a realistic level and understanding that sometimes done is better than perfect and being in touch with the imperfect reality that exists.

We area breed of people pleasers and always so concerned with what others think.  We’ve probably spent our whole lives trying to make our parents, teachers, friends, bosses etc. proud of us.  We feel we have to work twice as hard, exceed expectations and constantly keep raising the bar on ourselves to a point where we’re struggling to keep up.  We all know where this leads and it’s why so many of us are busy and burnt out.

Balancing busyness and avoiding overwhelm

We do have a tendency to be superwoman!  To do everything and do it perfectly.  We take on too much, over schedule ourselves and then feel like we’re failing when we approach burn out.  Saying no and delegating is a key part of avoiding this overwhelm and managing the busyness.

Resilience is key but so is having good boundaries and taking time out, prioritising self-care, prioritising us.  For people who put others first, don’t like saying no, feel we have to do everything and do it perfectly, please everyone around us – this can be tough.

We also have an attachment to being busy though. We wear it like a badge of honour, it makes us feel valued and attaches to our self-worth.  This leads us into the trap of not taking time out or feeling like down time is lazy, selfish or unproductive.  However this stuff is the foundation we build on, to enable us to be superwoman, without it we’re always fending off burnout and exhaustion.

Celebrate success and own it, get comfortable accepting praise

We are so busy focusing on what we haven’t got, the things that didn’t go well, the bits about ourselves we don’t like that we forget about the good stuff.  Our brains are wired to think more negatively and as women we’re often taught to down play our success and wave away praise to avoid being a tall poppy and to appear modest.  So often we put our success down to something outside of ourselves or we respond with things like ‘it’s nothing really’.

If you’re receiving praise or acknowledgement it’s because you’ve earned it, saying thank you is a great start. Remember to celebrate your success, own the praise and know that it helps address the negativity bias in our brains as well as doing wonders for our brand!

We are more powerful together than we are apart

We are often taught to compete and that our success must be at the expense of someone else’s.  I’ve learned that we are far more powerful together than we are apart and collaboration is key for us to flourish.  In the spirit of #balanceforbetter we are all in this together regardless of gender!

IWD2019 recommended viewing for more inspiration

Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability

SherylSandberg - Why we have too few women leaders

InspiringTED Talk - why do ambitious women have flat heads?

Genderbias, equality and why its still harder for women

Navigatingperfectionism blog

Impostersyndrome resources page

Navigating Perfectionism

As I write this I’m about to fly to Auckland to do a TV interview. Thankfully I’m not as nervous this time around having now done one I feel slightly more comfortable knowing what to expect. You can watch my last TV interview on Imposter syndrome here. What you can’t see is that out of shot my legs were shaking!

The producer told me after the show ‘that was great, can you pitch us some more ideas and we’ll have you back on’ so I did but heard nothing. I thought perhaps she was being nice or said that to all the guests (Imposter Syndrome in action – right there!) but then they got back in touch recently and here I am now preparing for an interview on perfectionism on TV3s The Café. 

This is something I know well. I remember as soon as the last interview was over the first thing I did was re-read my script to see what I’d missed, which bits could have been better and the parts that had not gone perfectly – do you find yourself doing that with meetings, presentations, conversations with family?

We are all on a mission to be the best we can be, to be happy, to have the perfect houses, families, partners, and jobs, to complete our to-do lists, to complete our bucket lists, to make our parents proud, to get promoted, earn more money, and be successful. Good enough is no longer enough. We live in a world where we are so developed, we can have everything and instant gratification. Normal is what we have, but it’s not what we want to settle for—it’s no longer enough. We expect to have everything and for the fairy tale to be a reality, and it won’t be. We set ourselves up to fail; our imperfect lives (which are the best they can be) are never going to be perfect. We aim for perfection and are then disappointed because it never arrives.

Woman are good at being perfectionists; this comes from our need to please people but also our very high standards and expectations of ourselves. It can be a strength and what makes us good at what we do, but can also be our undoing. It’s where we set ourselves up to fail, expect too much, and lose touch with reality, and where the barrier actually is, often we raise it far higher than it needs to be. 

Perfectionism is also our fear of failure manifesting. Sometimes we’re so scared of not making the mark or falling short that we go way over what’s necessary to make sure we don’t fail. Whether we’re applying for a job, having our hair done, going to the gym, or just doing our day jobs. We want to be the perfect parents, workers, friends, and partners; we want to look like a perfect cover of a magazine and live in perfectly clean, tidy houses with perfect lawns. 

Rather than settling for a standard “good enough,” we find our “good enough” can be way over real expectations. So on a scale of 100 percent, where 80 percent is good enough, perfectionists feel they have to deliver 120 percent—that’s their good enough. Even 100 percent, in a perfectionist’s eyes, is failure, despite this exceeding good enough on the scale.

It’s not about lowering our standards, but being more realistic and understanding that sometimes as a perfectionist, our bars will be set way higher than everyone else’s and higher than they need to be. It’s exhausting and often leads to disappointment when we fail. Sometimes done is better than perfect, because perfect isn’t always possible.

If we have our hearts set on perfection, we’re setting ourselves up to fail. Things don’t exist in a perfect way. It may seem like this when we compare our lives to others on Facebook or celebrity magazines, but what we see is the perfect side of what is always an imperfect life. For everyone, no matter how rich or successful, imperfection is always present. There will be parts of their lives not going to plan, a bit about themselves they’d like to change, something outside of their control that upsets them.

When we meet our soul mate everything seems perfect until the novelty wears off. We get to know each other better and find out that as humans we all have imperfect flaws. We may not always agree and be less tolerant of our differences. New jobs have bits we don’t like, and even our bodies age and change in ways we don’t view as perfect eventually.

Adjusting our mind-set on perfection is key to helping us thrive. If you aim to look like an airbrushed picture in a magazine, you’ll be disappointed. If you’re looking for a Mr. Right without any faults, you’ll also be disappointed. If you’re searching for the perfect job, you’ll find there are always downsides; this is true for me, even now with the job of my dreams—I have to spend time doing my accounts and marketing! If you make plans, they won’t always turn out right. It’s not being negative; it’s being realistic! Rather than aiming for an unrealistic goal of perfection, we need to be more realistic and enjoy everything for the good that it brings to our lives. Everything has its perfect and imperfect side—our jobs, our partners, and our lives. Embrace and appreciate both sides!

I spent years striving for perfection in all I did, at work and at home, trying to conform in a bid to please people, and it made me unhappy and unfulfilled. The perfect life always seemed just out of reach, and yet my life on the outside might have looked ideal to everyone else. During my life transformation I learned a lot about myself and learned, from others about how we can live an authentic, perfectly imperfect life:

• Things won’t always go according to plan.

• The to-do list will never be complete.

• You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got, and that is as perfect as it can be.

• No one has a perfect life (despite what it may look like on Facebook or in a magazine).

• Happiness is not a point you arrive at in the distant future when you resolve all your problems and achieve perfection. It’s available all along in those imperfect moments scattered throughout our everyday lives.

• Often, it’s our quest for perfection that stops us from being happy.

So give yourself permission to make mistakes and stop beating yourself up for being human. Ask for help when you need it, say no from time to time and stop worrying about what people think. It means we’ll take more risks, get more done and accept our life just the way it is – perfectly imperfect.

Lessons learned on a business anniversary

Fear, Authenticity, Self-worth, growth and not giving up

Facebook reminded me this week that 4 years ago today I graduated from my Yoga Teacher training in Byron Bay – I’ve not taught much yoga since but have done so much else and learned so many lessons which I’ve been reflecting on.

I’d quit my corporate career a few months prior and had embarked on a year out to discover my passions and try and find a new career that aligned with my values – and a new life really having just walked away from a seven year relationship too as part of a process that resulted in me come out.

This journey took me to places like Bali, the Kingdom of Bhutan, teaching English to novice monks in Northern Thailand, silent meditation retreats, debuting in public speaking, starting my own business and writing my first book.  A book that was published a year later and contained much more about the inner journey that had unfolded.

4 years on I look back, incidentally on the verge of a holiday back to Byron Bay next month with my wife to be.  I’m now an author of two books with my own business and invited to speak at events and conferences across the world.  I’ve discovered my passions and feel comfortable aligning with my values to be my authentic self – it was a longtime coming and hasn’t always been easy but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Here are some lessons I’d like to share with you following that journey:

Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean you can’t do it

When I left my job I had no idea what else I could do.  I’d trained all my life for one career which wasn’t fulfilling me.  I didn’t know what else I wanted to do or if I’d be capable of anything else, I certainly wasn’t qualified.

When it came to running my own business I didn’t know where to start.  There’s been a lot of learning over the last few years, trial and error and a lot of failing too!  I’ve learned to do things like accounts, marketing, social media and more that I’d never had to consider in my former career. 

It’s also pushed me out of my comfort zone in other ways – networking, building a reputation and a brand as well as being the face of my business (having been someone who prefers to be in the background!)

I used to think – I’ve never done this before it’s not in my skill–set, I’ve no experience in this but I’ve learned over the years that just because we’ve not done it doesn’t mean we can’t, it’s just something we haven’t learned to do yet.

It’s so important that whatever we’re doing we make sure we always learn new things, push ourselves and take on challenges so that we learn and grow.  It also leads me nicely onto my next lesson

Get out of your comfort zone - don’t play it too safe

I avoided risks because I didn’t want to fail but taking on my own business, re-inventing my career meant I could no longer avoid this. I had to take risks and I became familiar with failure as I battled through the trial and error of learning so many new things. 

I faced many fears as I embarked on this journey; leaving the certainty of what I knew, a career I trained 15 years for and knew well, a regular pay check and company car, an image people had of me – what would they think now?  What if I failed?  What if I’m making the wrong choice?

I had no choice but to get out of my comfort zone but sometimes it seemed tempting to stay there –better the devil you know!  As I stepped out of my comfort zone I faced the fears, uncertainty and risk and at times I also failed.

I put on events that no-one showed up to.  For the first couple of years I earned no money from my business.  Most of my speaking was for free and my first royalty cheque was worth less than $5.

After each rejection letter from a publisher I could have decided to give up.  In fact there’s been many times business got hard, I was out of my depth, I wasn’t earning money and it felt like I’d failed, reached the end of the line, I was tempted to give it up.

One of the things that always kept me going was asking “What has this taught me and what can I do about it?”  This solutions focused reflection forced me into action, rather than wallowing in the fact it was hard and I’d failed it immediately turned my mind towards – what am I going to do about it and scanning the options I had.

Failure is how we learn and grow and is often how we learn to succeed, it’s also something that’s unavoidable if you push yourself, take risks and face challenges, I now see how it can be a positive.  But we can see failure as a sign of our lack, a mirror of our self-worth and it encourages us to devalue what we’re capable of.

Don’t under estimate yourself – you’ve earned your place

We often doubt our abilities, underestimate ourselves or think that our success must have been down to something other than our ability – luck, a mistake, being liked etc.

Throughout my career I would wave away success and down play my achievements almost embarrassed by praise.  I can’t say I’m there yet but I have since learned to respond to praise and recognition with ‘thank you’ which is a good start!

For many years in my former career I suffered from Imposter Syndrome.  I didn’t get a degree, I left school at 16 and as I progressed into senior roles (where everyone had a degree) I used to feel like I was less intelligent, not as valuable or worthy – despite my performance and achievements.

Other people’s opinions seem to carry more weight than our own and it’s only the feedback I’ve had from others over the years that now allows me to believe I can do this and that people love what I do.

I remember worrying in my first workshop I’d been asked to do for a big business – am I qualified to do this?  Will they enjoy it?  Will it be good enough?  Who am I to be posing as an expert in this field? – all those questions played on my mind despite having written a book on the subject I was speaking about!

Late last year arriving at parliament to do the same workshop I finally felt like I belonged, that I’d earned my place and that I had something important to share that would be of value to those who’d asked me to come.

If you’re getting praise you’ve earned it.  The success you achieve is because you’re capable and have worked for it.  It doesn’t have to be perfect to be success and you also don’t need to have all the answers.

You don’t have to have all the answers

For many years I’d put off leaving the security of my corporate job. I needed a plan first.  If this wasn’t my career I needed to know what was before I made any changes.  Where I’m at now I could never have foreseen then.  It’s been a result of the journey I’ve taken and the things I’ve learned along the way that have helped informed my next move, developed me and taken me to where I am.

Often we feel we need all the answers, to see the whole stair case before we take the first step and begin.

There was trial and error, trying things to know if that worked or not.  Training to teach yoga to see if this could be the future me or where else that might take me.  Whilst I had a plan, I had no idea where I’d end up and it was only as I made progress the next steps began to emerge.

Sometimes we have to be comfortable with uncertainty because we don’t know what’s next.  We might have a path set out but end up somewhere different, or sometimes we end up in the same place but take a different path or route to the one we planned, either way it works.  I’m of the opinion now that there are no wrong paths and there are lessons learned and experiences gained even from the tough paths I wish I’d not chosen – I wouldn’t go back and change it.

Align with your values – be yourself

For many of my former years I tried to be who I thought I should be, what the world wanted, to fit in.  I denied my sexuality for many years and took the corporate path of success as my own.  It was only when I realised status and salary were not markers of happiness that I began to look for work that aligned to my values – I had to figure out what those were.

As a young leader I felt there was a mould to fit.  I had to be a certain way to pass as a leader and as a result I devalued some of my skills that I didn’t think had a place at work. I used to leave my ‘Jess’ hat at the door to put my ‘Leader’ hat on.  I now release these are the same hats and things like kindness, compassion and empathy are major leadership strengths rather than character weaknesses – what a relief because we all know pretending to be something we’re not is exhausting!

Being able to show up as my authentic self both in life and in work makes every day so much more rewarding.  It also allows people to trust us when we’re genuine and relate to us if we’ve walked in their shoes.

Choose your people wisely

I’m lucky to have had support around me, cheerleaders, people who believe in me.  Support from my family even though they had no idea what I was doing and feared my exit from a corporate well paid job to clean composting toilets in a yoga ashram may not be a great career move!

It’s taught me the value of those who surround us.  The people I’ve learned from and aspired to be who inspired me to carry on, even when it got hard.  But equally those who’ve challenged me to grow and pushed me.

I used to feel jealous when I looked at those who’d succeeded, like they’d done it right and I was doing it wrong; “why can’t I be on the stage at this event rather than in the audience?”  It made me feel like I wasn’t as capable rather than just on an earlier stage of my journey.  It’s important we respect these people, learn from them but never compare to them or feel their success threatens our own learning.

Find people who support you but challenge you positively to grow, respect them and be inspired by them but don’t compare yourself to them or feel jealous.  Avoid negative people who hold you back –surround yourself with those who’ll nourish you.

It’s also taught me the power of collaboration.  I’ve met so many amazing people doing similar kinds of work and often now when I organize events I’ll use it as a platform for other women to inspire my audience too and invite guest speakers.

I’ve also been fortunate to join business groups and communities full of supportive people willing to share their knowledge and time with me.

Often we’re taught to compete, that our success needs to be at the expense of someone else’s.  I’ve learned that we are much stronger together than we are apart.

Find out more about Jess on her website www.jessstuart.co.nz  and visit the blog at www.inspireyourlife.org/blog

Being a good person isn't always enough

The spotlight is well and truly on violence against women since the recent murder of Grace Millane. And whilst many may question, why the outrage now when so many others have gone before? I was at the vigil last night in Wellington with many others and something resonated. When asked to put up our hands if we’d travelled alone offshore, felt unsafe, had families fear for our safety the majority of the women there did – we could have been Grace, we identified with her story and we can walk in her shoes. Like Grace, at 22 I arrived in Auckland from England on my OE over a decade ago, this is our reality that’s why it resonates.

But regardless of the name on the vigil there are many names that sit alongside, lesser profile perhaps but equally important lives - the statistics speak for themselves. It’s a sad fact that it took a young, white foreign tourist to die in this way on our shores to bring violence against women in NZ into the spotlight and the undeniable fact that in the vast majority of cases this is at the hands of men.

But we all know and love many men who don’t fit into this category, these same men join us in our outrage but is that enough? What are we doing as men (and women) to stop violence against women. To talk to our men and boys about their responsibility in how we treat women and how to balance out the power dynamic when it comes to gender.

Are we calling out the men (and women) who still assume when this happens a woman must be, in some way, to blame – she was out late at night, unaccompanied, using a dating app, wearing the wrong thing, behaving inappropriately. Why should it rest purely on women’s shoulders to try and protect themselves from men or to justify why they didn’t deserve to be victims of violence – don’t we all deserve the right to live safe?

Especially when all the evidence suggests the rules we’ve been taught to follow for so many years still do not protect us, summed up perfectly in this article by Emily Writes. And even if they did is it fair that we should live life differently, more cautious, less privileged and free to our male counterparts because of the threat they pose to our life?

So what is the answer and how do we ensure this is not just another women’s issue that women alone try to resolve because we know that’s only got us so far.

I had the privilege to see Author Clementine Ford speak recently when she was over in NZ. Having written a book with a similar title to mine and spoken a lot about empowering women I was intrigued. One thing she mentioned really stuck with me. She talked about those who we put in the ‘bad’ category – perpetrators of violence against women, those who discriminate or harass/bully females in the work place. Then on the other hand those who are ‘good’ people, obviously we do none of this, in fact we condemn it but is that enough? Clementine talked about the many men (and women) who may be in the ‘good people’ category but still are too passive, we stand by as this stuff goes on and feel because we’re opposed to it and refuse to partake that’s enough, but is it?

You see I’m not the protest type, I’ve never seen myself as a feminist (although I respect those that are and the work they’ve done massively). My mantra is that we focus on ourselves and empower each other to deal with this rather than what happens externally.

However it is apparent that we can’t do this alone and the success of women relies on us bringing our male counterparts along on the journey. The balance of equality and making our country safer for women is something men must help with – we can’t do this alone, we are in this together and we must take action together – all of us.

I’m aware that I prefer to stand in the background, I prefer quiet, subtle action and have always shied away from conflict. I’ve no desire to be the lighting rod for abuse that Clementine Ford admits to having become. But sometimes this is at the risk of me being too passive. I’m a good person but what use is that unless I’m actively doing something to help, speaking out, having the right conversations?

I’ve worked with many good men (and women) and indeed outside of work too but so many of us (myself included) are passive in this space. We think that because we’re not perpetrators of violence against women or believe we would never discriminate based on gender that we put ourselves firmly in the ‘good’ category. However, how much change does simply not being bad create? Is more than that required? Given the statistics 125 years after women won the right to vote in NZ it may suggest that yes, more is required.

Whilst I’m not ready to pick up my placards and hit the streets it has given me food for thought, along with other ‘good’ people. Standing by passively being good people is sometimes not enough. And that’s not to say we need to be protesting or petitioning our governments (although that can help too), it’s thinking about the conversations we have with each other, the small actions we can do and how we can use our privileged positions for greater advantage and change in this space.

Imposter syndrome on-line course out now

To get your early bird discount and download the course click the link below www.jessstuart.co.nz/imposter-syndrome

Imposter syndrome is something I’ve encountered throughout my career and is one of the topics from my latest book that has resonated most with people.

I used to think it was just me but after 15 years working with people in personal development and then running my own training and coaching business, it transpires that many others feel exactly the same.

I spent most of my career doubting my abilities, and getting promotions didn’t seem to help. I still felt like an imposter who’d be found out one day. The reality was I was good at my job and even bigger jobs as the promotions came—but each new job would raise the same fear: I’m not sure I can do this.

It’s called imposter syndrome, and it’s a lot more common than we think. I thought it was only me, but every woman I speak to who confesses they feel it too also believes she is the only one! According to the Journal of Behavioural Science, 70 percent of people suffer from imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud.” It’s that voice of self-doubt that, despite our successes, keeps us feeling like we might fail, we might not be good enough, and we might get found out.

Those with imposter syndrome have a tendency to attribute their success to external factors—like luck, or the work of the team. It takes courage to take on challenges and pursue dreams that leave you open to the risk of failure, falling short, losing face, and being “found out.”

Over the last week I’ve released the following video blogs on Imposter Syndrome to help you identify it and tips on how to handle it.

What matters most is not whether we fear failing, looking foolish, or not being enough; it’s whether we give those fears the power to keep us from taking the actions needed to achieve our goals.

If you missed the free content that's been coming out this week you can view the short video blogs here for top tips and more information on handling Imposter Syndrome http://youtu.be/ycgVQvg7NvU

http://youtu.be/1nw893bfAY4

http://youtu.be/WSMChcUdO-I

To get your early bird discount and download the course click the link below www.jessstuart.co.nz/imposter-syndrome

Is fear causing you to play small? Learn how to think big!

Do you have big dreams that always seem to be on the back burner?  Are there goals you’ve yet to achieve, a step out of your comfort zone you’ve been terrified to make so far?  Are there people out there you admire yet you’re not sure how you’d ever get to where they are now?

There are many reasons we play it small and sometimes we’re not even aware of what’s guiding our choices as it sits in our subconscious.  Either way the result is the same - the answer is yes, if you play it small you will always miss out on making it big.

One of the main things that stops us is fear!  Fear of what other people will think.  Fear of losing what we have, of leaving what we know.  Fear of being different.  Fear of the unknown.  What if I get it wrong?  What if I lose what I have?  What if I fail?  Fear of rejection means that sometimes we won’t even ask the question.  Our fear of failure means that we often prefer to play it safe to avoid failure - but at what cost?

And is failure really such a bad thing that it brings about such fear in us?  Giving ourselves permission to fail is part of learning to play it big – the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures.  I used to think that if we avoided failure we’d be successful by default but I now believe that failure is actually part of the path to success and each failure can be a step closer to success.

I spent years learning what I don’t know (the art of writing, marketing 101, and the business side of publishing) and still I sometimes fail!  I put on events and no-one turned up, my first royalty cheque was worth less than $5.  It didn’t stop me because if I gave up all the hard work to date would have been for nothing.  It’s taught me to learn to see the success in failure - the lessons learned. 

But as well as fear of failure, it’s worth noting that we may also (ironically) experience a fear of success!  Summed up perfectly by Marianne Williamson who said “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Fear is what happens when we try to take a step outside of our comfort zone.  It’s called that for a reason.  It feels nice, safe and comfortable and that’s why it’s so easy to stay there.  It takes courage to step outside our comfort zone and do things that are different and unfamiliar.  But if we can move outside of our comfort zone it expands, as our comfort zone becomes bigger we learn more. 

Things become easier as there are now fewer things outside our comfort zone, therefore less that scares us.  Think of public speaking, a thing that sits outside most people’s comfort zone.  It makes many of us nervous, me included.  But once we’ve done one, we can do another and by the time we’ve done 30 our comfort zone has expanded and now includes public speaking.  So it no longer feels so nerve racking and our confidence improves.  Yes, it’s a challenge, yes they’ll be fear, danger and maybe even failure along the way, but that’s part of the path and unless you travel the path you’ll never grow. 

Our fear of failure can also breed a perfectionism in us that means if we can’t do it 100% right and right now we don’t do it at all.  Well, sometimes done is better than perfect and getting the ball rolling, making a start, taking action is key on the road to making it big.  You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress – in fact it is the only way.  We’re always learning, never perfect and continuously developing.

We do struggle with being a work in progress though and many of us (70% according to the journal of behavioural science) suffer from Imposter syndrome which can also be a major contributing factor in our playing it small.  Imposter Syndrome is an inability to internalize accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".  Often feeling like you’re not as good as people seem to think therefore not as deserving or capable of the success you’re experiencing.

It impacts both men and women, no-one is immune to the self-doubt this feeds (apart from narcissists). But what matters most is not whether we fear failing, it’s whether we give those fears the power to keep us from playing it big. 

Imposter Syndrome can also be blamed for us downplaying our achievements and not claiming deserved credit.  It can also be from our need to please, to fit in and be liked.  We may have been brought up not to boast of our achievements and to overplay modesty as a way of being liked.  This can lead us to downplaying our achievements or waving away recognition and simply not valuing our success. 

Our cultural expectations can play a role here too; “don’t get above your station” – the tall poppy!  Your success may appear as a threat to others so we downplay it to protect them; older siblings, best friends, male partners.  In many cultures girls are taught to avoid risks whereas boys are encouraged – it can have lasting impacts on us and that decision we take on whether to lean in and go for it or not.  We downplay achievements because no-one likes a big head and we all desperately want to be liked or we step back rather than lean in because we’ve been conditioned to and we want to fit the mould – either way we chose to play small each time.

Whether we’re frozen to the spot due to fear or imposter syndrome or (highly likely) a bit of both, when things scare us we can find so many excuses that prevent us from moving forward.  It’s already been done, I don’t have the time, I need some more experience or money or the time just isn’t right yet.  We worry about leaving our comfortable familiar place to step out into the unknown and most of all we worry about the potential impacts of making that move.  What will people think?  What if I get it wrong?  What if I lose what I have?  What if I fail?  All valid concerns and all potential outcomes we risk when we take a step into the unknown - but there’s no way of getting around it, it’s part of the journey.  Growth is not supposed to be comfortable, it’s supposed to stretch us so that we can learn and grow into the people we’re capable of being.

Don’t forget as well that if we are playing it small it could also mean we don’t want to make it big.  Not taking up a promotion opportunity could be for any of the reasons above but it could also be because we simply don’t want it.  The seniority is not for us, we don’t want the hours and pressure or we may be in the wrong job all together so it pays to be aware of this option as well in order to guide our decisions.  Sometimes playing it big can mean saying no, walking away from something that isn’t right to play it big elsewhere.

Playing it small is easier and safer, it appeals to our aversion to risk taking and desire to stay in the comfortable, familiar place we know.  Playing it big is hard, it’s scary and it takes courage to go there but it pays off – it’s worth it and there’s no way of doing it without the tough side effects we have to navigate.

There’s no short cut and those who’ve got to where you’d like to be haven’t found a certain secret you’ve been missing, nor have they got it right and you’ve got it wrong.  They have just faced their fears, worked hard, learned from the mistakes and decided they want to play big.

6 hacks to handle Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome is something that I’ve suffered from most of my life—and I thought I was the only one.

After 15 years working with people in personal development and then running my own training and coaching business, it transpires that many others feel exactly the same.

I spent most of my career doubting my abilities, and getting promotions didn’t seem to help. I still felt like an imposter who’d be found out one day. The reality was I was good at my job and even bigger jobs as the promotions came—but each new job would raise the same fear: I’m not sure I can do this.

The same voice also told me I’d never be a writer. Who would read it apart from my mum? You’re not good enough, you’re not qualified, you can’t spell, and you don’t even have a degree.

It’s called imposter syndrome, and it’s a lot more common than we think. I thought it was only me, but every woman I speak to who confesses they feel it too also believes she is the only one! According to the Journal of Behavioural Science, 70 percent of people suffer from imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud.” It’s that voice of self-doubt that, despite our successes, keeps us feeling like we might fail, we might not be good enough, and we might get found out.

Those with imposter syndrome have a tendency to attribute their success to external factors—like luck, or the work of the team. It takes courage to take on challenges and pursue dreams that leave you open to the risk of failure, falling short, losing face, and being “found out.”

So what can we do about it?

It’s something I’ve learned to handle and to live alongside because it’s always there. Sadly, it’s not something we can easily overcome—but we can learn to navigate through and succeed in spite of it. Here’s how:

1. Own your successes.

You didn’t get lucky by chance. We tend to be modest when it comes to our achievements, and have been brought up not to boast about our strengths. We feel uncomfortable accepting praise and our negativity bias in our brain means we’re wired not to think of the positives so much.

I’ve found that keeping an achievement journal helps. I also have a folder on my computer where I file messages of praise and feedback to look back on when I’m having those moments of doubt. Remembering positive feedback from colleagues and friends helps too, as it often carries more weight than when we praise ourselves.

The most important thing to remember is that if we’re getting praise or positive feedback, it’s because we’ve earned it and deserve it. Own it and let it help counter some of those moments of self-doubt.

In fact, let’s start now: write down your top three strengths. Why do people come to you, what do your colleagues at work value in you, and what do people tell you you’re good at?

2. Give it your all and know it’s enough.

Sometimes our imposter syndrome is due to our fear of failure and our perfectionism manifesting all at once to give us this fear of not being good enough. We fail to meet our own unrealistic ideals of perfection—either in the way we look, our abilities in life, or our achievements at work. Perfectionism so often sets us up to fail and feeds these feelings of self-doubt.

Overcoming the imposter syndrome requires self-acceptance: you don’t have to attain perfection to be worthy of the success you’ve achieved. It’s not about lowering the bar, it’s about resetting it to a realistic level. You don’t have to be Einstein to be a valuable asset or worthy of love. Nor do you have to attain perfection to share something with the world.

3. Don’t let your doubt and fear stop you.

We need to continue to take risks and challenges even though we might not think we’re ready—especially women. Too often, we stand back and let the opportunities pass us by because we doubt our capabilities. The best way to see if you’re ready is to dive in and take on the challenge!

There will always be a feeling of fear and the risk of failure—we grow and develop by facing these fears and getting outside of our comfort zone. Don’t let your worries hold you back. I’d often use the “fake it till you make it” technique to overcome these feelings of fear and doubt when I took on new challenges. I’d act and dress confidently so I at least looked the part, and took comfort in the fact no one else could see what was going on in my head.

4. Remember: your thoughts are not common knowledge.

I know how it feels to be gripped by imposter syndrome—we spend all our energy trying to prove our worth to everyone else to make it go away. The funny thing is, only we believe that we’re not capable. For example, we wouldn’t have been offered the job if people didn’t think we were capable. The only person we need to prove anything to is ourselves.

5. Acknowledge it and know it’s not just you.

We need to be mindful that the voice in our head is often swayed. We are wired to see the glass as half empty, to focus on the negative. This comes from evolutionary times when it was helpful for us to always see the worst that could happen in order to survive. In the days of cavemen and women, it was useful for us to be wary of a saber-toothed tiger around the corner because then we’d be prepared to run.

What this can translate to in our modern world is a constant focus on what we’re not good at, things that went wrong, and why we’re not enough—in our jobs, how we look compared to our friends, who we are as a person, or what we’ve achieved in life.

This negativity bias can leave us feeling like we’ll never be good enough. So to counter the bias, we need to focus on what we have, not what we haven’t, to direct our energy toward the things we’re good at rather than on what might go wrong and where we might fail.

Know that it’s not something we experience alone. Some of the most successful people I know who seem to have mastered life admit that underneath, they feel the opposite some days. Even famous people earning millions and excelling at what they do admit to having moments of self-doubt.

6. Stop comparing yourself to others.

It’s the fastest way to feel inferior and feed our self-doubt. Unfortunately there will always be someone more beautiful, clever, talented, or stronger than you. But the reverse is also true: at times, you will be the most talented and successful. So instead of comparing yourself to others, look to see if you’re fulfilling your own potential and celebrate the things you have.

We are all capable of more than we know, and we can do amazing things if we’re not busy doubting our abilities. Next time that negative voice in your head starts to speak, turn down the volume.

What matters most is not whether we fear failing, looking foolish, or not being enough; it’s whether we give those fears the power to keep us from taking the actions needed to achieve our goals.

Detox Lessons

As my 10 day detox draws to a close I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned and how I might take some lessons forward to make sustainable tweaks to the way I live.  To keep it going but in a more moderated way, some middle ground – both with food and technology!

The detox has been like pressing pause and a kick start for healthier habits but beyond this it’s made me so much more aware.

It wasn’t as hard as I’d imagined and at times I found myself actually enjoying it – and other times I’d wish I’d never thought of the idea!  Particularly the first few days before the headaches wore off and my body ached liked I was getting the flu – apparently though this was just the toxins working their way out.

Admittedly there’s been a few breaks in the 10 day detox, a treat cup of tea with milk – the caffeine high lasted all morning and left my feeling like I was a bit drunk!  And a couple of healthy meals when I needed that extra boost.  But the strange thing is despite thinking about pizza so often I don’t actually want any.  My cravings now are for the simple things I missed; a cup of tea with milk, a piece of cheese on a cracker, toast with butter!  It seems the more healthily we eat the less junk food we crave and I suppose the reverse is also true.  That’s why it’s so easy to get stuck in unhealthy cycles.  That’s been my main lesson from this experiment – the power of habits and our ability to form new habits, press reset.

So I’ve lost a few kilos but that’s just a bonus in terms of the real benefits, the way I feel – which is somehow just brighter and lighter, how my body functions and the lessons I’ve learned.  So what have I learned and what might I do differently now?

To create some healthier habits around my device, not having it in the bedroom so it doesn’t become the last thing I do at night and the first thing I reach for in the morning.  Resolving to check it only at certain times of the day to reduce that habit of constantly reaching for it.  Removing the notifications from apps so each time I use my phone I’m not distracted by these little calls for attention and promises of social validation.

The food detox has really increased my awareness around my relationship with food.  We’ve been brought up to clear out plates, don’t leave the table until you’ve eaten all your dinner.  Even when we’re out for dinner there’s a feeling of eating more to get value.  I’ve become much more mindful about what I eat and why.  Stopping when I’m full and knowing that that’s after less food than my brain often believes.  Being more aware of emotional eating and not just reaching for food because its midday or we’ve been invited to a party and there’s snacks.

It’s been an interesting experiment and one that’s benefited my health but I’m also keen to return to something more balanced and moderated – that will be the big test!

The Detox Continues

This is the week of detox.  Following on from this weekends impromptu digital detox I’m now trying the food version, it’s the end of day 3 of a 12 day detox.  They say the first few days are the hardest so I thought it’d be a good time to share my thoughts.

 

It’s true I’ve been indulging over the past few months and have picked up some unhealthy habits I feel I need to address.  By doing this detox I’m hoping to kick start a new healthy routine and give my health some much needed attention.  It’s a first for me, whilst I’ve had yoga ashram diets and lived very healthily at times I’ve never done a detox so I’m intrigued what I find.

 

I have a love of food (bread in particular) and knew I’d been getting into unhealthy habits.  I also knew this would be a real challenge for me given my attachment to food but I’ve surprised myself by sticking to it religiously so far and not kicking and screaming anywhere near what I was expecting!

 

It mainly involves eating nothing but raw fruit and veg, mostly blended.  Three meals and snacks but no caffeine, meat, dairy, wheat, sugar or alcohol.  Gentle exercise of 30 minutes a day is recommended which even for me is achievable and what’s more it recommends I stay out of the gym and away from high intensity workouts (a bonus!)  The bits I love most are the rest days, saunas and massage on the schedule though.

 

I have always loved food and am aware I often eat for reasons other than being hungry.  I have attachment issues with food.  It’s not just the steady weight gain though that forces me to action but the drain on my energy, the clarity of my skin, my concentration levels and how fit I feel when I exercise.  I’ve been aware for a while that all of this needs improving and there’s a bigger issue at play but it’s easier not to bother sometimes and reach for those foods and habits that comfort us.  But eventually I am at a point where action is necessary and I am ready.  Especially as we head into winter.

 

So I’ve taken the plunge and so far surviving well.  Yes there’s been cravings and temptations but there’s not been as much hunger as I’d imagined, however that’s not always the reason that we reach for food I know.

 

It’s amazing how much time we spend thinking of food, what we’re having to eat, buying the ingredients and then preparing meals.  Once we’ve done our morning juice that’s it for the day (aside from some raw veg snacks and nuts and seeds).  There’s much more time in the day.  However, much more time spend day dreaming about food since I’ve been detoxing – mostly pizza!

 

It’s a good chance to rest too as for the first few days I didn’t feel like doing much else.  It’s funny that I’m eating more healthily than ever yet I feel worse!  It’s those initial few days whilst your body starts getting rid of the toxins and withdraws from things like sugar and caffeine that are the worst.  I'm glad to say my 2 day headache has now gone though :-)

 

The energy levels are much improved once the body has adjusted, not to mention better skin, a flatter stomach and just that feeling of health.  Healthy food tastes better and the cravings for junk food are diminishing (although I do still spend a lot of time thinking about pizza).

 

Support has been an key ingredient.  My partner and I are on this journey together which when you live together makes this so much easier, it also gives me someone to compare notes with, encouragement and a feeling of not being alone in the challenge.

 

So I’ll keep going and let you know what next week brings at the conclusion of this challenge.